Becoming Parents

My peeps

2009-04-05T08:32:00.001-07:00

The peeps in my life are amazing, I am lucky to have all of you as my friends and family.

Enjoy the Peep show... it's that time of year.

No joke...

2009-04-01T06:36:00.000-07:00

THIS is such an important cause. I find myself passing out the Luna bar shoved deep in my purse to the man at the freeway on ramp, holding a sign with a request for money. I have given out bags of dog food to the lady who has a cute pooch, holding her own sign with a request for food or money - my theory, It's not the dogs fault. I never give money, ever. Food is a different story, food is love, it is nourishment both physically and emotionally. Listening to NPR on Monday, they spoke about how 3 of every 10 homeless adults were in the foster care system and "Aged out" meaning that while these homeless adults were in the foster care system they were never placed and at age 18 they essentially became ineligible for foster care. Fortunately, today there are companies that offer transitional services for these kids, one that I know of here in Riverside servicing this demographic of kids who have the responsibilities of an adult without absolutely any support, both in Riverside and San Bernardino counties and was started by a classmate of mine at University of Redlands.

The link above will take you to the April food day blog where I learned...

One in eight Americans are at risk for hunger?
Four million Americans receive assistance from Feeding America each week?
Children who are hungry have slower emotional, social and educational development?
Millions of elderly Americans go to bed hungry every night?

It is so critical that those of us who are not in this position help those who are. So many people who never thought they would need food assistance are now asking for help from their local food bank. They have lost their jobs through the massive down-sizing's and layoffs. They have exhausted all of their resources. Elderly people on fixed incomes are finding that costs are out-pacing their incomes

Make a difference, every dollar counts - DONATE TODAY!

Finding myself and the happy pills

2009-03-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

I know, I know.... a new blog - I promise I am still working on that. Until then, I have to be quite vague in giving info on this one as I am confident there are folks reading here that are, um -how shall we say - UNINVITED. Yes, soon to be ex-husband's new girlfriend that would be YOU.

Any special shout outs to "Soon to be ex-husbands new girlfriend" - please feel free.

So, what can I share?

My life is wonderful

I have lost an enormous amount of weight

I got the boob lift and reduction I wanted

I am having hot, hot amazing sex

I have a man in my life who is kind, loving, intelligent and just all around plain amazing

I moved out of cubeland, got the amazing corner office, found out I don't have to go to furlough and I still have my job

School is great, kicking ass - making good grades my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades

So for those of you who know me IRL you know the truth, for those of you who know me through the Internet I hope you haven't think I have completely lost my marbles and I promise the "real" writings of Kara will soon be available and for the poor schlep (or any poor schleps in the future) who are dating my ex- please go seek professional psychological help.

Some of the above information may be completely fabricated, slightly exaggerated or untrue.

***

I am putting together the email list for the new blog - if you are interested and want to keep in touch, please email me - karabrickel@hotmail.com

XOXO - Kara

Luck... Hell - I was born Irish

2009-03-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

Wish I was here today.

I have loads of single chick crap to lay on you.... breaking hearts, blind date drama and an accidental boyfriend.

Intrigued? I'll post soon, promise. I 'm off to go celebrate my most favorite holiday... by working my tail off and then hoping to catch up with chums at our only Irish bar in town.

Wherever you go, Whatever you do

May the luck of the Irish be always with you.

Happy St. Patrick's Day friends!

3500 bucks

2009-03-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

For $3,500 you can choose one of the following:

A) Take a KICK ASS Euro vacay (Think Virgin Atlantic, upper class - flat bed pod and staying somewhere super she-she)

B) Plastic surgery- My choice would be a lift and reduction though after looking at link I am feeling much better about the current state of my rack.

C) Write a check (TO AN AMAZING ATTORNEY) in the above stated amount for what I like to call "the most expensive way to change your name- EVAH".

I chose door number 3 today and while it was a moment that I think should have a complimentary shot of tequila and yes did take my breath away - it was also a moment of redefining clarity in a sense that is indescribable.

Thank God tomorrow is Yoga day, my body needs a super huge heaping dose of some yoga love.

**** And because I do have a huge heart - I did think to list Philanthropy as an option however I think you have to give gazillions of dough, on a recurring basis, for it to be called Philanthropy and thus should just be spent on moi.

He may have the house.... I got to keep my sense of humor

2009-03-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

or maybe I should label this post...venting, whining and bitching?

There is so much to write about and I don't know where to begin. My thoughts are definitely not organized so I am warning you that this post will be pretty sporadic and all over the map.

I am still searching for a new blog name so I will continue to post here until I can get it together to find *the perfect name*.

Dating... it's bizarre now a days - just plain freaking weird. It's like Drew Barrymore states in the commercial for "He's just not that into you" -because we have advanced in technology, you can now be rejected by 5 different pieces of technology... or something close to that. I have to say that the Internet does create an efficient way to meet people.

The ex factor... I have come to the realization that over the course of our marriage I strived for, struggled and worked my ass of so that we could live a better life, have better insurance coverage, be able to take nice vacations, own a home. Well, if I didn't have to shell out an additional $500 bucks (a month) to keep the ex on my insurance at the County I would be able to take a nice vacation right now. OK, something to look forward to in 6 months - once things are finalized.

I also find it HILARIOUS (ok, being just a little sarcastic) that the ex used to pride and brag about himself being the one who in the relationship that was financially savvy while the home we purchased only had one person qualify for the loan -me, his work truck is in my name and I am paying for the lawyer.

The weather...I know a few of you out there are buried under inches or feet of snow so I will try not to complain too much but when you are used to living on the surface of the sun, it is difficult to still put on a heavy winter coat in March. I know I'll soon be complaining about the heat and how we are breaking 100 degrees but I need it to be just a bit warmer.

Yoga...The very frayed thread I have been hanging by has been strengthened and is renewed each time I practice yoga. It seems to be the only place where my mind is not processing 890 gazillion things and I can find some peace/tranquility and self soothe.

This is my new favorite pose... I don't stick out my tongue though like this chick and my ass is about 10 times the size. It is such a good stretch - Dhanurasana (Bow Pose). Like anything in life, I was not able to do this pose on the first try and I cannot lift nearly as high but if you give yoga a shot, commit to at least a several classes. Yoga is one of those things that adds beneficial aspects to the different layers of our life.

Boost Mobile TV Commercial - Bicycle, Unwronged

2009-03-02T21:25:00.001-08:00

I had to share this... how freaking funny is this commercial?

The walking paradox

2009-03-01T07:39:00.001-08:00

The last four weeks.... whew, there were good times and there were bad times and fuck if I can't find my happy pills - they were lost somewhere in the move. There are days where I would just like the option to have one.

I feel like one giant walking paradox. I have friends that remind me of things I said the day my world fell apart and feel as though my perception of the situation has evolved and morphed consequently driving said friends bananas. Here's a helpful hint though - don't analyze me please, just be my friend.

Yoga has been amazing, I have been taking a restorative/relaxation class that focuses on stretching the ligaments and connective tissue, not the muscles. It's an hour and 1/2 long and I have come to live for that class.

I can't believe it's been four weeks, time literally has flown right past me. The first two weeks were a hoot - oh my gosh so much fun. Uh, no - actually, I was on auto pilot and the cylinders were not firing. I was able, thankfully, to pull it together enough to *appear* somewhat normal while at work. Fooled them.

The moving of the crap - I hate moving and moving really sucks. Oh and I love my mom but seriously - returning to a parent's home in this situation should be illegal and is not recommended. Once again, I love my mom but she is hovering big time. So back to moving... I rented a Uhaul (cussing profanity mixed with the ex's name - the ENTIRE TIME) and drove said Uhaul to the house where a few guys I hired were able to take my belongings and place them in the storage unit where I pay 80 bucks a month to have my shit just sit there. I need my own space....

So, the big plan for my next move is to pass the freaking CSET and then get a job in either Orange County or LA. Orange County is my first choice because it is just alot easier to get to and fro to visit family, I love being close to the water and located within that county is one of the prettiest places ever - Laguna Beach. Before it became a show on MTV, it was this sleepy artist community that hosts the Sawdust festival and the Pageant of the Masters. The city has rolling hills easy to run up and down, charming little cafes and brings back a flood of happy child hood memories. The cons are that it is probably one of the priciest places to live and the chances of finding a teaching job at a low income school in that county are slim - unless I want to commute.

Los Angeles will probably be where I end up- I've always loved LA. My parents would take us into the city all the time when we were kids. I lived there for a short time in my 20's and truly love the hustle bustle, the energy, the vibe and it's still close to the water. Job wise, it will offer more of an opportunity. Urghh, the traffic and it's just not as easy to get back to Riverside as quickly as Laguna or OC.

Then there is Monaco - oh, did I forget to mention that it was in the running as well? I watched Samantha Brown on the travel channel last night and decided I really should consider Monaco as a viable option (TALKING OUT OF MY ASS,btw) as it met all of my needs and since Je parle Francais, find french men completely mesmerizing and love french food - it's a win/win/win. Last night, I learned that Monaco is the second smallest country in the world (the vatican is the first, I remember that from traveling Europe), has free cable and the only autocratic country. The entire country is the size of Central Park. Job-- what job?

Things I have learned -

Men still find me attractive - THANK GOD.....I don't know why I ever doubted this - oh maybe it was the low self esteem induced by fertility drug blubber that surrounded my gut and brain. I am sure that the jackass I share a last name with had a little something to do with it, as well.

I exercise, want to look great and feel good - FOR ME.

When one separates/divorces, one should be independently wealthy so the mundane details can be handled by staff, while one can go off on African safari while recovering from botox and then jet off to St. Lucia and get daily one hour massages by hot, young men.

I do not need food to be happy.

I always knew this, so it is less "something I learned" and more like "something I am eternally grateful for" - I have a group of amazing friends.

I heart Texas

2009-02-24T21:20:00.000-08:00

Years ago, in a land far, far away a twenty-something girl named Kara told her parents she was going to travel Europe by herself. The parents laughed and said - yeah right, you're our only daughter, over our dead bodies etc... The parents and daughter negotioted for weeks until they finally agreed that she would go on a "Guided tour" to Europe with Contiki.

She boarded the big British Airways plane at LAX and didnt get nervous until she heard the captain announce that they were ready to "cross the pond". Only weeks before she rememberd being at the doctors office and reading an article in Newsweek about the plane that had mysteriously ended up in the Hudson. Nervously, she downed an entire 1/2 bottle of red wine and before she knew it the sun was rising over Scotland. She exited the plane finding people speaking her language yet she was not able to decipher or decode one solitary word. Welcome to Jolly old England.

Ok, enough of the third person, I feel like I am on facebook. Somewhere between England and Amsterdam I was introduced to this AMAZING couple from Orlando, Florida. I would keep in touch with them and eventually visit them. I consider the wife to be one of my truest friends though we have spent minimal time together. Always there when I need her and can never be thankful or greatful enough for her friendship. She was the first to introduce me to the infertility letter to family and friends. J is a great friend so why was I not surprised to recieve this from J + B today... guess which state they have recently relocated to? I found it to be cute and clever, just like J.

I know Kate will appreciate this, it's your home state with a whole new logo. Hope it makes you smile 1/2 as much as it made me smile.

I plan to put it on my desk at work tomorrow and/or possibly make a necklace out of it. Do you think that would be too much?

Serious crush...

2009-02-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

I think I am really late to the party but... where has HE been? What a babe and he's got two adopted kids which makes me LOVE him even more.

Tina Turner - Whatever you want

2009-02-17T22:10:00.001-08:00

Honestly....

2009-02-17T21:28:00.000-08:00

The lovely and talented Emily has given me this beautiful award where I am supposed to list 10 honest things about moi. Hmmmmm. Can you handle the truth? Honestly, I think I have overloaded everyone on the honesty and dirt in my life as of late - I will try to keep it light.

OK - buckle up cowgirls, here we go.

1). I hated being a red head - pretty much throughout my entire freaking life - until I was about 23-ish where I suddenly became insanely proud to be a redhead, like ridiculously proud. Did you know we comprise only 1% of the population. Choosing my favorite red head is hard - it's a toss up between Lucille Ball and Jessica Rabbit.

Red heads - Gotta Love them!

2). My new favorite invention. Dry Shampoo - I am LOVING it. Try it.Use it.Love it and save all kinds of time.

3). Tina Turner is not only one of my favorite artists but someone I think about daily who inspires me in a nearly religious way. Seriously, sometimes I say - What would Tina do? and usually I find my answer. She is one classy, bad ass chick and I love her. My all time favorite song is listed in the post abov. I still struggle with posting a Youtube video within a post - urghh.

4). If both of my parents were to pass away I would immediately move to either London, Paris or Venice or perhaps all three. I have always wanted to live abroad and would not mind becoming an ex-pat.

5). Given the choice, I could live off of Tacos for the remaining days of my life. I.LOVE.TACOS.

6.) Though I try to incorporate a funky edge and add trendy pieces to my wardrobe I am most comfortable wearing loafers, an argyle sweater, a string of pearls and jeans. I am a preppy girl at heart and I also LOVE Lilly Pulitzer.

7.) While I am excellent at second guessing myself and have mediocre self confidence I actually get a job interview high and turn into the uber-interviewer. I interview really well and love the rush of endorphins or seratonin or whatever it is.

8.) On the subject of jobs, I have been very fortunate to have AMAZING bosses. I have kept contact with nearly all of them and I think that is a testament to a persons character and work ethic.

9). My all time favorite book is Charlotte's Web.

10.) My favorite road trip EVER consisted of driving from Riverside to Humboldt - the entire length of our great state of California with my good friend Regina to attend our friend Panda's graduation from Humboldt. We had so much fun AND we are still close friends. Regina gets car sick easily and stuck it out while I read the material and wrote a paper on the life of Rigoberta Menchu. The mere mention of that name brings back a flood of memories from a very fun road trip.

My Funny Valentine

2009-02-15T14:43:00.000-08:00

The video I like to call - Two adorable kiddos, one sweetie of a mom and one very annoyed brother. I was able to catch a few moments before the game started and taped the worlds cutest kids. Since we purchased the tickets, I have spent the last week humming the brain glue that is "Sweet Georgia Brown".

After I went and got some food and drinks, I attempted to get a photo with my main man, nephew - Cole. Great photo of Auntie Kara, don't ask what Cole is trying to do.

My mom attempted another one and cut off the bottom portion of his face.

By this time, my niece Ella wanted in on this little game we call * How many times will it take to get a good pic*. Notice Auntie trying not to spill her vino? I do love, love, love this photo.

I also love this photo as well.

The turn out was really good, lots of various groups of children - from Brownies and Boy Scouts to a group of cheerleaders and children struggling with physical disabilities. I LOVE the interaction the Globetrotters have with the audience members, specifically - the kids. I think we counted at least 10 kids that got to participate and the game offered just enough adult humor to keep us entertained.

All in all, my first solo V-day in ten years was much better than I expected. I was able to laugh and smile - I think this is a sign of good things to come.

***

Speaking of life - I think I am gaining more and more stability with each day that passes. Alot of my current feelings remind me of the time we received our diagnosis of Unexplained Infertility. It was a batch of rotten lemons and I tried so hard to make some sort of semblance of lemonade. As I squeeze this batch it seems more lemon juice goes into my eyes leaving a stinging impression.

Some people may have felt I was sweeping things under the rug or not embracing the moment. I think that one can (in this and many situations) get overwhelmed with every detail of a situation, letting it eat away at the core of who you are and while the depth and seriousness is not lost on me - I choose happiness over sadness every day.

Sure, this situation sucks and *THIS* is not what I had envisioned my life to turn out to be, but I remember that I dealt with/processed/resolved (and continue to work on) my feelings regarding infertility and I will get through this. God willing - with grace and humor. I am in control of life and I have decisions to make - for this I am grateful and thankful.

Not that I can even begin to imagine dating or another relationship - it's just too early. I do imagine wondering how I will explain my infertility issues and all of its intricacies to the next person I am with. Then a fleeting thought occurs, perhaps D and I just weren't a good match and what if? What if I get PG the old fashioned way?

A girl can dream- right?

10 days later...

2009-02-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe it has been ten short days since my universe has been turned on it's side. I don't know where to begin so I decided to update you on my -so-called life with a list of firsts that made me laugh, cry, cower, shriek and helped me to grow.

Here are some thoughts located at the forefront of my mind...

Wondering how long I could stay at work, one night last week, when faced with the thought of where to go - I had no idea and my mom's isn't quite like home - yet.

Going from "we" to "me"

Killing a spider with febreeze - I know, who knew? Febreeze? (without begging D to come and kill it first)

Not wearing my wedding/engagement rings daily (I nearly wept when typing these words)

Meeting a friend for dinner and not worrying about "getting home" to the husband

Wondering how I was blessed to have such an amazing support system - family, friends (both IRL and in blogland). Thank you all for checking in on me.

Speaking to my RE's assistant who asked me to call her when I was ready to become a mom ( I will more than likely pursue adoption through the foster care system, once I get settled into my own space)

Realizing (for the first time in a very long time) that I have an entire, exciting life ahead of me.

Tomorrow I start my day early and pack the remnants of my married life, moving them from the home I own to a storage unit or to the home I am living in. D and I met this evening to discuss our finances. YUCK and super YUCK. I hate and love money all at the same time.

Wish us luck - er, wish me luck.

One month

2009-02-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

A month from today I will delete this blog.

I am no longer looking to become a parent as d has decided to no longer want to be in our marriage. He states that he is filing for divorce tomorrow. No shit.

Things I know... I am a beautiful, humorous, smart woman that will be able to love again (one day, probably not in the near future though) and while the curse of IF was not the exact cause of the end of our union I know that it certainly didn't help. I can't help but wonder what path we would be on right now if we were able to conceive or keep the girls.

There isn't a whole lot I want to talk about publicly however, if you want to keep in touch please email me so I can let you know where my next bloggy brilliance will take place. I will be deleting this blog, one month from today.

It's been a journey, I thank you all for your friendship, love and peace-filled thoughts. I count each of you as blessings and for this I am eternally grateful our paths have crossed.

Really????

2009-01-28T20:22:00.001-08:00

CBS news reports the US military warns of the rapid and sudden collapse of Mexico? Because our crappy ass economy doesn't have be freaked out enough? Then again... I heard this on the news so there you have it. Say it with me class - Pro-pa-gan-da. Another reason to keep watching the Daily show with Jon Stewart. Does anyone else have a super-size crush on him, just me ?- ok.

Update on Kashi - some guy named Phil called and sadly they did not offer me CEO of Marketing and Tasting. I got over it when he offered me some coupons though I pronounce it koo-po-nays (it's what my good friend Regina's dad used to call them and it just stuck).

I spent the entire day scared to death to open my email account from school fearing that I will receive yet, another email from one of the two teachers I had last term requesting some report, power point, upload to ecompanion or paper they seem to not have. Ironic, let me explain, I have completed and turned in all of my work and received ANOTHER email today requesting some random technology assignment that I have already completed and uploaded (and not received by Professor Hottypants).

And lastly,

Photo from Perez Hilton

This is my current fitness goal. And she is 60 years old, five years away from being Medicare eligible. Sadly, I will never have those legs but I love that she has the balls to do this at her age.

Smokin Serendipity

2009-01-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

Heed my warning.... It tastes (and smells) like an ashtray - totally disgusting. No Joke.

This was a huge bummer as I really love all Kashi products. Have you tasted their cookies - YUMMY. Back to the ashtray rice - It has to be the smokey black bean, perhaps the smokey black bean has taken to the coffin nails. It's rank, it's wrong and I have left a message for the Kashi folks. Naturally, their office closes at 4:00 PM - probably so they can all go to some super yoga class on the beach because they get to wear their yoga clothes to work and do sun salutations during staff meetings and are forced to take mandatory meditation breaks. I' am not bitter or jealous. at.all.

I look forward to a return call tomorrow asking me if they can pay me 100k a year to move to San Diego (where thier corporate offices are) to become a professional food taster/developer/extraordinaire or maybe they will just mail me a refund for the rice. Either way it will be a win/win.

I just wanted a tasty/healthy side dish to go with my greasy, organic ground beef tacos and all I got was the stinky, ashtray rice. YUCK. Fortunately, the Sun Vista pinto beans with jalapenos came through and shined like a big bright star.

***

On another note - I met with an employee who is planning to retire, yep, big surprise. Rarely do I share personal attributes regarding my life but today was a just a bit different. We spoke about the continuation of her health care benefits and she mentioned she used to work for Kaiser. Well, long story very short - she used to work for our primary doc (whom I love) and knows our RE (no comment) as well and then she shared that she was a fellow infertile. Moments later she was showing me a picture of her adorable 9 year old boy who they adopted when he was 2 months old. I typically end my counsels with a proper and professional handshake and for the first time I leaned into the arms of a stranger as she leaned forward to give me a hug. I will admit I wanted to just stay there and cry. Finally... someone, before my very eyes, who gets me and knows EXACTLY what I am going through and here.In.Real.Life. and reminded me how lucky I am to have the IF blogosphere of support. I love you guys.

I'll never forget her parting words to me. Don't give up and don't lose hope, it WILL happen and stay strong.

Once again I feel hopeful that I will be a parent oneday.eventually.hopefully.Godwilling. please.withcherriesandwhippedcreamandstrawberries.prettyplease.

School, snacks and the sucky economy

2009-01-26T20:30:00.000-08:00

I am so HAPPY to be sitting in front of the TV watching House, counting down the minutes until 24 starts. I am also incredibly HAPPY to not have to *physically* attend school and am THRILLED to participate via the virtual classroom. Spring I starts next Monday and I will be happily attending in the comfort of my PJ's while not wearing a bra. HALLELUJAH!!! Life is grand.

Speaking of school - with the light in the tunnel shining brighter each day I am becoming increasingly and acutely aware of the approaching feeling of burnout. I went full force through my B.S. program (while doing IF treatments and getting a promotion at work) and look forward to the day where I won't have some project hanging over my head or choreographing our social schedule around impending school deadlines.

While I look forward to being released from the ball and chain that is a Master's program I am not looking forward to paying the student loans *YUCK* or continuing to take the CSET (again and again and again). I find out the results a week from today and while I would love to think optimistically I have to remain a realist.

In other important news, I have found my new favorite snack from Trader Joe's. Edamame Hummus and Pita sea salt crackers. I promise, it's the snack that delivers - hearty, salty with the perfect amount of sweet but all savory goodness and fairly healthy. Ok, there are worse things - I could be chewing on some flaming hot funions.

I know - this has been riveting. Remember my whole Blood and bones, blah, blah, blah post about warning you to brace yourselves as I was going to be going so much deeper into the bowels of my brain. Yeah - well here it comes...

While our little world is comfortable, happy and quite pleasant, I am overwhelmed with much survivor's guilt knowing that at any moment now my parents business will close (unless there is a miracle lurking around the corner), my brother who is employed at said business will loose his job, I have friends and relatives who are worried about loosing their jobs in completely different industries. We revisited the thought of restarting fertility treatments using money we have locked up in savings and then realized what if we need to loan it to a family member or (YIKES) even to save our own mortgage. Fertility treatments seem totally and completely frivoulous, almost like a vacation in the Caribbean.

I never thought I would compare Chlomid to the Caymen Islands.

Happy (Chinese) New Year

2009-01-25T20:40:00.000-08:00

I went wine tasting and forgot how lucky we are to live so close to a fast paced wine growing area. It's not Paso Robles or Napa but it certainly works for a cold, wet and rainy day.

Pics from South Coast Winery.

The front area had these beautiful potted plants displayed and we had a nice, relaxing and yummy lunch

Our next winery stop was a small guy on the outskirts of the wine region.

After we tasted, we walked outside and said hello to a few friends. I was just a tad nervous (um, can you tell?) to be near this guy - he was rescued and the owner warned us about his nervous temperament.

My friend Andi at one of our wine stops.

I found this cute "B" at Anthropolgie and decided it would go nicely between two prints from Paris, in the kitchen.

D installed these faux wood blinds and while normally I am not a fan of blinds, these will work until we blow out this wall and start our kitchen remodel

My favorite phrase for 2009.

My family celebrates the Chinese New year (my father is engaged to a Vietnamese woman) and received our red envelopes this afternoon from my dad. This year the envelopes were very different than last years.

Envelopes from 2008

2009's envelopes and one of our favorite sayings.

We don't own a Buddha statue so we placed our big bowl of fruit near our owl cookie jar.

He kind of looks like Buddha. It is tradition to place a large bowl of food (usually fruit) at Buddha's feet in honor of prosperity, good health and plentiful food in the coming year.

Happy New Year and may 2009 bring you good health, happiness and fortune.

Innocence lost

2009-01-24T22:43:00.000-08:00

We watched the Clint Eastwood movie Gran Torino today. It was quintessential Clint - brilliant, absolutely effing brilliant. Clint is one helluva badass and I just love him. D has a tattoo of him on his back, he is his hero.

I don't want to give too much of the movie away so all I will say is that there is a Gran Torino car in the movie (not a huge surprise-right?) which led to significant flashbacks of the very first boyfriend I ever had who drove a Gran Torino. Ironically, memories of this boyfriend led me to memories of a time when I was a completely different person. Unsure of what the future will hold and scared to death that I would get accidentally pregnant and pretty much in that order - even though I was on the pill.

I had just graduated High school, most of my friends went to 4 -year reputable colleges and I was doing time at the local community college. At that time I enrolled, I was certain that I would drop out in a matter of days, not meet any friends, just be completely miserable, wonder the streets of our city aimlessly until I figured what I would want to be when I grew up. I joined the S.E.A. club - the sea and environmental awareness club on campus and meet two of the worlds coolest people that I still happen to be friends with in addition to the first man that would break my heart. This club proved to be a great social outlet - friends, a boyfriend and gatherings such as beach clean-ups that also counted towards extra credit in my science class. Win-win - all the way.

I struggled my first semester and often skipped classes to spend time with the heart breaker. He was from the East coast, the New York area and had this thick accent - I loved it, I loved him. We would go speeding off in his blue Gran Torino, when I was supposed to have my nose in the books and head to his house - where we gave into our raging hormones. He was a few years older and *experienced* and I was naive, very naive and thought it would be just my luck that I would get PG while taking the pill. Little did I know I would grow up to be an infertile. As I type this I have to chuckle about my mindset of that time and laugh at the irony of the situation.

There were some really turbulent and horribly sucky times which I won't recount here, not the time or place but watching that movie brought back so many good memories of driving in this fast car and the innocence we shared. Wind blowing in our hair, Van Halen blaring from the speakers and not a care in the world.

Ahh, youth.

Tagged and tired

2009-01-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

It's a chilly 57 degrees here on the surface of the sun. I love these days as they are so few and far between, in sunny California. What an amazing week- the inauguration, a new president, a fresh start.

I get emotional when I think about this letter from the Bush daughters to Sasha and Malia and while I am in complete disagreement about the political beliefs of both their father and grandfather (I am really holding back here, trust me) I think the letter is honest and poignant, written from both a daughter and granddaughters view. I got a bit choked up when I heard the letter read from Jenna and Barbara Bush this morning on the Today show. My favorite part of the letter is the very end...

"Many people will think they know him, but they have no idea how he felt the day you were born, the pride he felt on your first day of school, or how much you both love being his daughters. So here is our most important piece of advice: remember who your dad really is."

Has anyone watched United States of Tara? The premise is Toni Colette married to hunky Aiden (John Corbett) from SATC living the American dream, great family and dealing with multiple personality disorder. Her alter's come and go, each one being uniquely different from the next. I love it, it's great and I can completely identify with this character. Going through IF I have often felt like someone who has multiple personalities. There is Everyday Kara who deals with IF on a daily basis in the best way she can, there is K the chlomid induced bitch who rolls her eyes when she hears of another pregnancy in her life and is quite rude with the staff at the RE office. Another alter- Miss K who goes out of her way to host baby shower after baby shower or buy copious amounts of presents for people having babies. Catch the show, if you get a chance - brilliant.

My ass is seriously draggin and I couldn't be happier to be off of work today. Occasionally, we will get a three day or reduced work week due to a holiday and my 9/80 day colliding in the same week and for some bizarre reason I have yet to figure out - these weeks are the weeks I dread at work. The workload increases ten-fold and this week we had the addition of the air in the office is being filled with tension, the morale is incredibly low and our team at work where we are normally quite amicable have been notably *short* with each other. We are all just stressed, freaked out about the economy and very tired.

I am most happy to be working on the computer on a non-school related item. Kate assigned me the letter "A" in a meme I loved and I am no just now getting around to posting this.

So here it is...Ten Favorite things that start with the letter A

1. Anthony Bourdain – C’mon, you didn’t think I would let my ten fave things list escape AB. Why is he a favorite of mine? I find him charming, funny, witty, smart and sexy with the added bonus of loving pork almost as much as I do.

AB walking down a path in the Azores

2. Anantasana pose - http://yoga.about.com/od/yogaposes/a/sleepingvishnu.htm

One of my favorite poses in yoga that helps me stretch before and after I lace up the running shoes and hit the treadmill. It’s been awhile since I’ve hit the treadmill as I am STILL coughing violently. I’ve got an appt to see my PCP on Friday and if he can give me something – anything – you know, lung transplant, cough medicine with codeine- to help control this cough. Anyway, I love this pose and the peace it brings. It is one of my most favorite leg stretches ever.

3. Aged cheese (with a nice glass of wine, of course) currently, any cheese from Cowgirl creamery is such a treat. http://cowgirlcreamery.com/cheeses.asp. On Monday, I met my Aunt and Grandfather at a cute farm where they make Gouda (aged about 60 days). I purchased both smokey Gouda and habernero jalapeno Gouda, both strong and tasty and couldn’t believe that home-made cheese was a short drive away from my home. My Grandfather is doing really well these days, both physically and mentally and we all enjoyed moo’ing at the cows (that always reminds me of The Far Side) and taking in the whole farm scene.

4. Anthropologie – Though I mostly purchase gifts for other people at this fine store, I do love their clothes – they are just not in my budget. I am a *sales only* girl due to working retail early on in my career. I know that EVERYTHING goes on sale and I won’t purchase until it’s been discounted at least once. Our anthro store has a cool little room devoted just to their sale items. It’s fun to sort through the home goods and clothes.

5. Academy Awards – I love award shows… well mostly I LOVE the red carpet, the dresses, the makeup and the JEWELRY and the pre-show interviews. I am lucky to be married to someone who is not only patient enough to stay up for most of the entire show but who truly enjoys watching the award show, hearing the speeches and sharing a teary eyed smile when we watch something moving - like Kate Winslet's comments at the Golden Globes. I am a Lucky girl. Here's hoping that Mickey Rourke will wash his hair since he is now an Oscar nominee. I miss old Mickey Rourke from my raging hormone teen days and his pre-botox/plastic surgery days.

6. Avocados – Oh avocados, how I love thee let me count the many ways. My favorite thing is to take a ripe avo and slice it on whole wheat crackers or toast. I eat avos’ with everything and usually eat one a day with lunch during the work week and they have the added bonus of being heart healthy.

7 Alternative music - I graduated high school in 1990, right before grunge became the scene. I can vividly remember the transition from listening to the top 40's station featuring the hit sings I would love to roller skate to and then listening to Blondie, David Bowie and other 80's staples starting around 1984-ish. Suddenly, reading Vogue, Elle and dreaming of living in NYC as a famous fashion something (I can't draw/design and I am vertically challenged) replaced my roller skates. High fashion became a part of my life when I was freed from wearing the green, brown and white plaid Catholic school uniform where my life as a clotheshorse began.

8 Ashton Kutcher - He’s got good looks and a goofy sense of humor. I have to say I am not a fan of the truck driver hat look, so glad that fad has passed but I still think he just a major hotty pants.

Thank you Calvin Klein

9. Art – I can remember the day that Andy Warhol passed away, an icon in pop culture and realizing that art can impact so many parts of our lives. I don't have a favorite genre or artist. I love going to museums and living in So Cal we have many in close proximity. I have to say that my top two faves are:

The Getty Center (the Villa is ok also, my heart belongs to the center)

Walking into the NS is like visiting a lavish, palatial, Pasadena estate. It's welcoming.

and the first place I viewed a Degas in real life.

10. Adoption – It will help me achieve my goal of becoming a parent

Hope....

2009-01-20T18:20:00.000-08:00

I've had this song in my mind.all.day.long.

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life For me
And I'm feeling good

For the first time, in a very long time, I am hopeful that our country is headed in the right direction.

Support Local Business

2009-01-17T20:10:00.000-08:00

D and I have been on a mission to make a conscience effort to support our local business' lately, now more than ever. This statement comes from a someone who is watching her own parent's business struggle. Hmmm, that doesn't seem to really do the situation justice. The status of their business is comparable to a human being placed in hospice. The prognosis is not good and it will be something of a miracle if their business does not close. My parents are working hard to keep the business and their sanity in tact. I worry, not so much about my parents - they are both talented individuals and while there is a sense of sadness and loss at the possibility of them losing everything I know they can rebound. It is my brother, who I am worried about as he is the sole support for his family that includes my nephew and niece.

***

Tonight we went to dinner at one of our favorite locally owned restaurants. It's a long time Riverside favorite now run by the namesake's sons. One son in particular will join us at dinner and share a drink or appetizer with us, he is his father's son. My mom tells us stories of when his father would do the same. It is our restaurant we go to when we have a special occasion; in the past we have celebrated numerous birthday's, anniversaries and other events deserving recognition. The menu always includes unique and tasty special ranging from Ostrich, rabbit and other rare items. My personal favorite is the pasta with oxtail which I had tonight, Duane had the tortellini filled with veal and two other meats that currently escape my mind. It was, as always, memorable, delicious and relaxing all at once.

***

Going to a new hair stylist is like being on a blind date and I never liked blind dates. The last time I got my hair cut or rather trimmed was in August. The last salon I went to is very *cutting edge* meaning.... I had to remind them when they colored and cut my hair not to go to wild, I had an office job and while I love high fashion I was not working at a design house in NY or Paris that would welcome the latest trends in hair.

About a month ago I went to get my oil changed and walked over to an adjoining business, this salon/spa that I went to today. I had some time to kill so I walked in and asked for a price list, the owner was very welcoming and asked how I heard about her business. I explained that I was waiting for my oil to be changed when she invited me to sit on their porch, until my car was finished. So, a few days ago I made an appointment to get my hair cut. I nervously walked in to meet my scissor maker today. The stylist was sweet and down to earth, the salon had a "Cheers" ambiance and was just overall quite lovely. I left feeling a sense of community and an extra bounce in my step. God, I love a new haircut and a good stylist.

The whole hair thing is perplexing to me. I want to keep what little bit of hipness I have left. I know I am no longer in my 20's but seriously - I want to look like a hot mom. Which is funny that I am writing that exact phrase seeing that I am not a mom but clearly identify with wanting to look like and become one.

Ok, not a drug dealing hot mom but still a hot mom nonetheless.

This is my year, the year I become both hot(ter) and a mom.

***

I am recovering from the phlemy cough/congestion/cold from hell. The energy is slow going but gets better each day, the appetite is still MIA. Nothing really sounds good to eat ( with the exception of dinner this evening) so consequently my energy level has been low. I am so tired of coughing and blowing my nose. Speaking of tissue - I highly recommend the Puff's brand tissue WITH VICKS. Yes, vick's - it's quite possibly the best invention ever.

***

Monday is a holiday and I am excited about my three day work week approaching. I am grateful and thankful to have a job but still struggle with being a *retirement analyst* and going to school to be a teacher. Patience, patience, not my strong suit. So, I wait for Feb 2 to roll around to see if I miraculously passed the CSET.

Blood & Bones

2009-01-10T13:30:00.001-08:00

This is going to a long and bumpy post.

Regarding the title of this post...Nope, I am not referring to Halloween...It's just life on Planet Infertility and awhile back our very own Queen of the Stirrups spoke about blog posts that reflect the very essence, the very blood and bones of what we are going through. I believe this comment was in reference to choosing a post for L' annual Creme de la Creme.

Now the term blood and bones automatically makes me think of Anthony Bourdain, it sounds like what he would call the meat section of his cookbook. In fact, I just pulled out his Les Halles cookbook and he does have a chapter with a similar name - Blood and Guts which is even more fitting (especially regarding infertility).

The man, the myth, the legend...

I have, quite obviously, digressed here. My point being - I racked my big ol'brain trying to find a Creme de la Creme worthy post. A discovery was made or rather revelation. The problem is that before this blog I had a medical update sort of blog through a company by the name of Carepage. When I started Becoming parents, I decided to delete my carepage. I started a blog to find a network of women who were/are going through the same thing with the goal being to give and get support. Now, if you read my carepage, it was mostly close friends and family commenting in a more structured format. Meaning... I could see who *exactly* was reading my carepage, on what date they viewed in a very user friendly format and while I didn't write for my audience I was sure not to drop any F bombs in fear of giving my Grandfather a heart attack..

So, I say this because- I realized when it came to looking for my personal creme post that in my first year of blogging I was not giving much blood and bones for two reasons A) I wasn't sure who from the carepage audience was reading my blog (yep, I did a silly thing and posted my new blog address on my carepage right before I deleted it) and B) I didn't want to seem completely depressed or out of my ever-loving mind.

To my family members that I have given this link to - please keep reading and feel free to comment or email me. I love that I can connect to you through this blog.

Let me be even clearer when I say this:

To those of you (who I know IRL or read the carepage) who did not gain the link to my blog from me, no longer speak to me on a regular basis or have found this blog accidentally please know that this is my own little piece of Internet community and is my personal journal of a painful part of my life. I will be posting much more blood and guts in the future and will not edit it for any potential audience that might be reading. In fact, I would just rather you delete my blog link from your favorite list and pick up the telephone instead of you really feel the need to know what is going on in my life.

To my bloggy friends - Thank you for your unending support, we have an amazing community here and I promise to be both a better blogger and commenter in 2009.

****

Whew, so I got that off of my chest. Now onto my craptas-tic appointment with the best OB/GYN doctor EVAH!!!!! So, Mel had posted about going in for her annual appt with the *fun* doctor and it reminded me that I was LONG overdue. Yesterday morning I phoned Kaiser to see if I could get in for this phlegmy, hacking cough (today marks day 3, BTW) and my primary was not available and they suggested I go into urgent care. Thankfully, I remembered the other (and most important) reason for calling - to schedule the dreaded appointment. The nice Kaiser operator stated that my doctor just had an appointment cancellation and there was a 4:00 PM time slot available FOR.THAT.DAY. My response was less than enthusiastic and I dragged my phlegmy hacking cough into Kaiser hoping they would take one look at me and say - you are not well enough to have a pap done and instead we will be hooking you up to an IV of grape Gatorade in hopes of quenching your unending thirst you have for anything liquid and Anthony Bourdain will be here to spoon feed you your mom's famous home-made mashed potatoes that you have been begging her to make.

NOT.SO.MUCH.

Doctor R walked in and immediately asked why my last visit was in 2006 and I hadn't been in to see her. I started to explain that I had gone through the infertility program and figured my organs had enough action going on that I had some sort of IF reprieve. We laughed about internal sonograms and I joked that I learned more about my body than I ever wanted to.

And here is where the appt (and I) fell apart. Dr. R is AMAZING, so kind, patient, lets me babble and has an incredible bedside manner. She looked into my eyes and asked, so how did things go with your treatments? It was with such sensitivity and genuine-ness that tears then streamed down my face like rain against a window during a downpour. I gave the list of drugs I was placed on, our pregnancy, our miscarriage, our decision to stop treatments after we hit our personal level of what I like to call "EXTREME BABYMAKING COSTS"and called it quits. She came closer to me and hugged me and it wasn't creepy like - Eeeew a stranger hugging me, it was more like - this sucks and I am really sorry that you had to go through that because I think you would make a seriously Rockin' mom - which in turn, made me sob even harder.

It's that bit of generosity in those moments of falling apart that regain my faith in humanity and mankind or rather womankind.

***

Regarding the CSET, well after a mostly sleepless night due to my phlegmy hacking cough - resulting in a painful, re-occurring headache -it will be a MIIIIIRRRICLE if I actually passed this thing. The test was held about 45 minutes away so I decided to start my journey with a cup of hot tea. The very kind Barista at Starmillionbucks told me that he would have something fixed for me when I pulled up to the drive thru window after I sat, engine idling and wondering what to order. Keep in mind, my voice currently sounds like Ralph Wiggum's from the Simpson's and sometimes sounds a bit like Marge as well. Superfaboulousbaristaguy stood there with a Grande cup of Chamomile tea and asked if I wanted honey with it. It was the best tasting tea ever. EVER I say, ever. I took the test and read every question through runny eyes and blowing my snot filled nose. I am sure other test takers were pissed but I was not willing to throw away 75 bucks, sleep in and miss the test entirely though it was totally tempting. Instead I will continue to pray nightly for both world peace and for the possibility that Obama will ban this test forever or at least for prospective teachers going into special education.

I returned home and was lovingly forced by DH to lay on the couch for an hour and then we went to one of our fave hole in the wall Mexican restaurants where I nibbled on a ground beef taco, cheese enchilada, rice, beans and abondogas soup. The plate was so hot the waitress had to use hot pad holders and the beans were so yummy and comforting ( oh, lard - how I love thee) I almost asked for seconds.

While I would love to just be a lazy bum and lounge for the rest of today, homework beckons. THREE MORE WEEKS and then this term of school is over. I am going to go put on my P.J.'s. though.

***

Is it summer yet? I usually don't like when the Santa Ana's invade us however, we are supposed to have weather in the 80's tomorrow which does bring a smile to my face. YAY Summer is on the way and doesn't it seem like just yesterday I was complaining about living on the surface of the sun?

See ya later sinners....

2009-01-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

It's been a day and what a day to end this horrible week.... sore throat, earthquake during my lesson plan presentation at school and the worrying of the impending CSET on Saturday.

I was catching up on my google reader and came across this great video. I love Jack Black. See ya later Sinners.

Here's the link - I couldn't figure out how to post the video, please watch it - it's great.

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

I am over today, I think it's time to call it quits.

Open Letter

2009-01-05T20:12:00.000-08:00

Background: Day from hell was progressing in true, expected, Monday style - speaker for presentation showed up 5 minutes before we started sending my deoderent into uber overdrive, retirees who did not make a reservation for said presentation and showed up anyway - went ballistic and threatened to call the head of HR AND our local Newspaper (my personal favorite and not how I want my name in print) all of this after I assured them there would be room for them in the Board chambers however we had to let the people who made the reservations take thier seat first.

The icing on the today cake was when I finally got to go on a potty break and opened the door to our department leading to a public waiting area for the auditor controller and county assessor clerk recorder. This is always entertaining as it contains peeps from ALL walks of life such as people applying for marriage certificates and participating in mini-ceremonies on Tuesdays, county residents arguing with the tax collector staff and all kinds of interesting things and the general public applying for passports, copies of birth, marriage or death certificates. The door opened and I headed towards the employee restroom, I immediately heard three men snickering as if they had come across thier father's playboy magazine for the first time when I looked up and noticed a woman breast feeding in a not so very discreet fashion. Here is my letter to her.

Dear New Mommy:

I think it is great that you recognize the importance and significance of breastfeeding. Because you are offering your breast for your child to sustain life depending nutrients, they will have less chances of having asthma, less chances of becoming obese and you will have a decrease risk of breast cancer. Lest you think I am naive due to my lack of birthing a child of my very own and personally breast feeding I would also like to forge ahead and remind you that I do recognize the amazing nurturing experience that will bond you in an most incredible way with your child.

First and foremost, I am not your average uptight American who dislikes public nudity and know that I can appreciate beauty in all aspects. With that being said, the sight of your ENTIRE BREAST (minus the areola and nipple) gave me two immediate reactions. Sadness, no one has taught you basic breast feeding ettiquette and sad about the enept men snickering at your exposed tata. In fact, I almost said something to them but I had no idea as to how I would start an arugument in your defense. If you would have showed the slightest bit of caution and tact (at least for your child to eat in peace) I would have said something to the snickering fools who clearly don't see or deserve to see a breast on a frequent basis.

I love boobs, I have a pair of my own that are quite large and nice where I accept complements occassionally so I have to ask please - BE DISCREET. We aren't on the French Riveria where naked tatas are expected and accepted. You were in a County government facility, breast feeding your child and didnt bother to place a wrap, sweater or burp cloth and provide coverage for your baby provideing privace while you embraced this beautiful act.

Please keep breast feeding, however, when you are in public- please be discreet.

Breast wishes for a happy and healthy 2009!
Kara

PS - My male co-worker wants to thank you for making his day - see this is how men operate.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-04T14:10:00.001-08:00

I just opened up my personal email account and found this....

One of the many reasons why SHE is my IRL BFF.

Happy New Year bloggy friends! I am throwing all of the positive energy I can muster into the universe right now in hopes that we can make it an awesome year.

Material Girl

2008-12-28T15:43:00.000-08:00

Though I am living in a material world and I am a material girl... I love home-made gifts. SERIOUSLY - nothing better than a home made gift.

I got this very cute ornament of my little nephew - a photo of him on his molded hand print. Thankfully, my SIL is super creative and knows that I treasure these ornaments.

How cute is Ella? I usually get ornaments each year - these are my absolute faves for this year. Ella also started saying - HO HO HO - Merry Christmas (which comes out like kissmiss)

Another ornament that happens to be a bit older - This guy is my mascot from my Alma mater - University of Redlands - GO BULLDOGS

Another very special ornament.

Duane's parents dog passed away, last year shortly after Thanksgiving. D had the honor of accompanying Button's during her final moments and her passing. I purchased a little ornament last Christmas when her passing was still quite fresh in our minds and hearts.

Cool hand made Christmas, our title for this year. Did you know when you have a clothesline, you are supposed to have something to hold the pins in, so they are handy. Nope, neither did I. I know it looks like a cute little dress but it's really a cute little pin holder for my clothesline that is supposed to go up next Spring.

My MIL has a friend back in Wisconsin who sews these by hand. I love the print of the fabric.

Like my Irish flag in the background?

Best home-made gift of Holiday 2009

A photo collage of my niece and nephew in the shape of a wreath.

There were a few other gifts such as the Wii, the Roomba-iRobot vacuum and the running watch I have been wanting that made there way under our tree this year.

One less thing to do - our robot will now clean our floors. Now if only we could get one to do the dishes and laundry.

We had a few very unwelcome visitors that took residence (HAHAHAHA - not referring to my inlaws) in our kitchen for the past five days. I have killed so many ants that I fear they will come back in the middle of the night in attack my brain via my nostrils and ear canals.

Our new(Wii-friendly) living room configuration

There was one Wii-related injury and of course it happened to my MIL. C'mon, you knew that was coming right? While bowling playoffs she decided to take her shoes off, keeping her socks on and ended up sliding on the carpet doing the splits and resulting in a pulled or torn hamstring. OUCH. It was painful to watch and listen to.

While we were happy to see my in-laws, we had no idea they were going to stay through.THE.ENTIRE.HOLIDAY. Yes, they just left this morning. They stayed with friends of theirs who happen to live across the street from us so while we had limited privacy in the evenings, we were basically together 24/7. Oh, joy. I knew I had a spa appointment scheduled on Friday with a good friend and I nearly wept when she called to cancel early Friday morning. I contemplated on going by myself however that seemed rude. Bye - I'am off to the spa and no one else is invited.

When my in- laws pulled their car out of our driveway this morning I thought there about some award, I am sure there is one out there that I should receive for not going completely bat-shit crazy after spending so much time with two people in a limited space. We did have some great moments and I am trying to really concentrate on those instead of the others (many, others). For instance, it was great to have our tire guy so happy to see her when we stopped in to have him look at what we believe is a very slow leak. He pushed us to the front of the line and we were on our way in 20 minutes (and 15 bucks later).

Well, that is all for now - I am off to go play landscape architect and clip ideas for our outdoor living space that we plan to start working on soon.

Hold me now

2008-12-26T21:41:00.000-08:00

YAY - it's over, done, fini.

I am so freaking happy to have this holiday, out of the way. Due to the influx of family and excessive holiday merriment, D and I decided to have a date tonight. We hopped in the car and turned on the radio and you know - I was a little sad to hear something other than a cheery holiday tune. Instead, KOST 103.5 was cranking out the muzak they are known for. Before Chris De Burgh could start to sing about "The Lady in Red" I quickly hit play to start whatever cd had been left. I had forgotten that I had left a best of the 80's cd and so D and I rocked out to Gary Numan singing "Here in my car" - such a great song, ahhhh the synthesizers are just so 80's even though the song came out in 79.

***

Using a holiday gift card, we decided to travel to a busy shopping center filled with people who were also escaping the wrath of holiday gift-giving, recovering from food induced comas and overdoses of ham and turkey as well, where one of our favorite pizza places is located. Swiftly, we maneuvered through the bar area and scanned the room looking for an empty table, chair or really anything stationary that we could prop our selves up against whist pigging out on pizza washed down with some beer for D and a glass of wine for me.

***

D heard his name called and we turned our heads to see who it was. We headed in the direction of an acquaintance and his lady friend who subsequently offered us to sit with them at their table. We barely know these people, however, we were starving and knew there was a 35 minute wait for a regular table and the bar area was jam packed, we cautiously accepted thinking - how bad could this be? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

***

Bizarre, no that's not the word. Awkward, no that's not the word. For the first five minutes, the conversation ebbed and flowed, politely. Then, something happened and I can quite tell you what was said or when it all went south but somewhere between ordering our food and receiving it, D and I were wondering how fast we could escape this *ordeal*. The couple was really nice to let us sit with them and honestly - I feel horrible about ragging on them but as Jules likes to say Something was really screwy in St. Louis. Lady friend of acquaintance had the most obnoxiously loud laugh that could be heard throughout the bar and mentioned several times that she knew it annoyed people. Um, ok??? She went on to tell me that she had been let go from her job as a branch manager of check cashing store for showing co-workers her tattoo - ON HER ASS. Wait- it gets better or worse- however you want to look at it. Throughout the conversation I heard how she wanted to focus on her art now ( I could not bare to know what medium she worked with) , visit her daughter in Alaska and got a heavy dose of some personal detail of her life. As much of a total nut job that this lady was - I have to tell you. Like moss on a damp rock, she kind of grew on me, at the end of the conversation she mentioned how she was in this horrific car accident that left her in a coma for 2 weeks ( at this point, I am thinking to myself - fact, fiction - who knows? Even if she is making this up- wow, she's very creative) and it took her a year to learn how to do the most basic of tasks - such as walking. She was incredibly open about her process and in the end she mentioned that it put everything and continues to put everything into perspective.

***

Somehow, we got back to the subject of her children and she mentioned she her first child had been given up for adoption to an amazing couple in Los Angeles during the early 80's. She recounted very personal details and I thanked her for sharing her story with me. I told her that giving up a child to a couple who could not have one of their own is to give the most amazing gift of love and sacrifice ever.

She did that laugh, I felt uncomfortable. Was she just messing with my head? They didn't know about our struggles with IF

***

D, quickly, paid our bill and went to help me with my coat when she pulled me back to her and kissed my hand. We thanked them for inviting us to sit with them and wished them a Happy New Year. D opened the door for me and as we excited we looked at each other wondering what the hell just happened.

***

People come into our lives for many reasons, this I know for sure. Lady friend came into my life to remind me that a child is a gift and instead of focusing on becoming a parent, I think I need to redirect my focus on making a difference in the life of a child. I have been so wrapped up in our feelings about infertility, our feelings about not being a priority to family members because we don't have children that I fear I lost some focus.

While nature reminds me each month that I am supposed to give birth and my body was designed to carry a baby, my heart and mind know the truth. Our quest to become parents was not just a goal to accomplish, a task to check off some life - to do list it. Our goal has been simple - a child to love and share our lives with.

***

As we climbed back into the car, my favorite song from the Thompson Twins came on and D squeezed my hand. Not missing a word we sang each word loudly to "Hold me Now".

Dates

2008-12-22T10:54:00.000-08:00

I don't really keep track of many milestones regarding our little angel aka Baby Brickel. I was reminded *accidentally* by an office co-worker (who got pregnant the same week I did ) that it was her baby's first Christmas.

Yeah - it was like pulling a knife out of my heart.

Coincidentally, two office staff - who happen to be pregnant were in earshot as I mumbled something to a different co-worker about the significance and suddenly they vanished into thin air. They were talking about comparing cribs, bedding and new furniture they were looking at as well as the new cars they would be buying. I can totally appreciate their excitement however after that reminder of *baby's first Christmas* I was done.

This happened Friday afternoon with about 20 minutes left of work and honestly I was so drained, it didn't hit me until I got in the car and seconds later, my cell rang and it was my mom. My mom barely got 2 words in before I spewed the flood of emotions while crying. What I was saying was anyone's guess - I can't even recall now as I type this. My mom, who is pretty amazing by the way, reminded me that while she doesn't bring our loss up - EVER she does think about the baby every. single.day.

I was happy to arrive home, into the arms of D who held me so tight while giving me the 95 gazallionith pep talk about us one day becoming parents.

It's moments like these that I remember to be grateful for the gift of having the world's best mom and a husband who deserves some kind of medal for putting up with my emotional wackiness. I always try to find something positive about an experience that is completely miserable. I am not completely Pollyanna , I can be sullen, moody and quite negative at times however, with this recent event I can appreciate how holidays are not always the most joyous and celebratory occasions for a lot of people.

It is a painful lesson of both tolerance and acceptance.

Foundation for a better life

2008-12-21T21:23:00.000-08:00

There is so much junk on TV and then there is this...

watch it

Stuff...

2008-12-16T21:32:00.000-08:00

So... we are going to formally tell the agency tomorrow that we are going to pass on "M". Yes, I am guilt ridden however our gut feeling is to decline. There are a number of reasons - let me share.

I have a big plan. Ok, it's not a BIG plan but it is my plan and I plan to make things happen. Yes, I am throwing it out there to the big wide world universe that 2009 is going to be my (and all of my sweet blog friends, IRL friends and family) year. Nothing but conquering personal goals and waves of non-medicated happiness floating endlessly through each day.

My plan is continue working at my job ( however long they will keep me, which is a complete blessing in this economy) until I pass the CSET. Once I pass the CSET, I plan to infiltrate the local school districts with my resume and hopefully sign a contract for the 2009-2010 school year. In a perfect world or my dream world, I would pass the CSET, sign a contract and receive a child to adopt somewhere around April/May so I could quit my job to allow time off to bond with new child and prepare to start my new career.

So - there it is. My big plan, well one of them anyway - I have many. You should hear them. Stick around and read my blog a little while longer and I promise to share them.

Back to M- it's just not good timing on our end and of course I don't want to share my big plan with the agency for fear they will push us so far off the back burner we might just fall off the stove top. Bottom line - I create my own chaos and right now I am in a controlled chaotic state and it's a struggle.

Additionally, we have received alot of information about M and while we would be a great match - he is going to need a lot of attention and I fear that we cannot do that between my job, school and D who happens to be working out of town on a long term job, projected to last another 2 possibly 3 months.

Yes, my heart is a little broken over this right now. D is sad also.

Ok so let me end on a slightly upbeat note and share a sweet gesture of kindness from our agency. They sent us a holiday greeting card. It had an ornament that was shaped like their logo which happened to be broken and as I opened the card thoughts of the girls came back quick and fierce. A target gift card jumped out of the envelope as I was struggling to get the pieces of the ornament out of the envelope and I was overwhelmed with appreciation and thoughtfulness.

It really is the thought that counts.

Stuff...

2008-12-11T23:19:00.000-08:00

I love this card....

#1 My Grandma is doing really well and has been moved to the rehab section of the hospital. The staff on her floor gave her a little card and presented it to her yesterday. How sweet? I discovered a neat little service where you can send email messages to patients. I alerted my Grandma who is NOT wired or internet savvy to be on the look out for a surprise I sent her from my computer. She giggled.

There are still many other layers and she has such a long journey, I am filled with alot of emotion just writing about it.

Ok - onto item #2 - I find out next Thursday when I will graduate. God, please let it be next June. I am approaching burn out and will feel much better once I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

#3 - We got a call from the agency,honestly - I was beginning to get a little perturbed. It is still really early and there is not much I can disclose. It's a boy and he is 6 years old, we'll call him "M". We will probably fly up to Northern CA in January to meet him. The good news is that his.26 hearing is very close. Cautiously optimistic.

#4 - My power adaptor finally came in and I am back on my laptop. YAHOOOOOO.

#5 - Merry Christmas to me - My in laws are staying with us for two nights (Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). BREATHE.BREATHE.BREATHE.

bullseye

2008-12-10T21:16:00.001-08:00

How cute are the holiday commercials for Target? I want all the kiddos in each commercial.

OK, back to homework. Hope all is well with you.

Heroes of green

2008-12-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

Though it's from 2007, I think this piece is still poignant. I've always loved Barneys, New York, if I had a huge money tree in my backyard I would spend most of it there. The above picture is one of their cool holiday windows in NYC.

Weekend update

2008-12-07T10:30:00.000-08:00

First, thank you everyone for the really nice comments about the last post, your support was paramount to maintaining my sanity in the last week.

Second, Grandma made it through the amputation.

I left the house Friday morning at 4:52 AM, it was like, scary dark outside and cold. I cranked up the seat warmers that I get to use about 5 times a year and scanned the radio for something good to listen to. I needed to hear voices, preferably something funny to get my mind off of things. An LA radio station that D listens to alot (I stick to NPR or CD's) plays "past moments" before they are live at 6:00 AM and I got to hear about an hour of an interview with Cheech and Chong.

I grew up listening to many *questionable*, possibly inappropriate things - one of the coolest aspect of having two hippies for parents. Cheech and Chong were part of the scene in our house, my parents spoke about them like they knew them and were just two crazy uncles that we had never met. Hearing their voices brought back some really cool moments I had spent with my mom and dad. There were nights we would sit around the living room and listen to Dr. Demento, Frank Zappa and Cheech & Chong, on the stereo.

After an hour into the ride, I had lost the signal to the radio station in LA - I was totally bummed. I hit traffic, fog and encountered several nut job drivers that were in touch with their inner evil Knievel. I arrived at the hospital an hour before Grandma was to be scheduled for surgery thinking that even if they took her a 1/2 hour early I would still get to at least *see* her.

I had just parked my car in the garage and was running into the lobby when my cell rang. It was my Uncle Larry who said "They just took her in". CRAP.... I literally missed seeing her by about 2 minutes. She was in an incredible amount of pain so they took her an hour early.

This hospital has a group of really nice volunteers who realize that the lobby is filled with people waiting on pins and needles for - ANY NEWS RELATING TO THEIR LOVED ONE. Two nice ladies came up and informed us of the drill, basically stating that they would let us know when Grandma was out of surgery. There was a piano player cranking out holiday tunes to try to mask the tension filled room. In an effort to calm people's nerves they had a therapy dog roaming around for people to pet. The odd fellow, accompanying the pooch, wore the largest shark or whale tooth around his neck, along with a fake beard, Santa hat and shorts that were about 2 sizes too small. I couldn't get into the whole - let's try to lift everyone's spirits. Maybe it's the Catholic in me. I went through this discussion with Jules the other day - there are places where you just need to be meditative and contemplative, Church, yoga and I am afraid the hospital lobby is one of them. Surgeons would pop in and out to update family members and it really reminded me of the last time I was at the VW dealership. Same premise, this is what was wrong, this is what we fixed - don't forget to grab a latte. It was odd.

My Aunt Patty joined us in the lobby and waited along with us. My Uncle is a bit of a celebrity at this hospital and is the only known member of Grandma's entourage. The flock of grey hairs came over to let us know Grandma was out of surgery. I was quick to point out to my aunt that the tone in their voice was not as *bubbly* as the previous update from the lady sitting a short distance away. I was certain that bad news was eminent and happy to be proved wrong. The surgeon came out and gave us the skinny: surgery went well, significant amount of blood loss but not too much and we should see her in a few hours. The hospital was jam packed and they were waiting for a bed for her. The surgery lasted about 3 hours, you know - the same surgery that my Grandma told me would last, at the very most, 45 minutes. I watched my Aunt and Uncle's expressions on their faces. While this news and my feelings and emotions were raw, from my perspective this was news regarding my grandparent. From their vantage point, news regarding their mom. There is a certain level of sensitivity that comes into play and chain of command to be followed. I am careful to make my love and support known while not stepping on toes. We were grateful for the doctor and feeling very thankful.

We all got on our cell phones to call other family members and my dad was quick to shoot an email out for those who were working. My Aunt left to go and see my Grandpa then Uncle Larry and I ran down to the cafeteria. Time went very slow in the lobby, I had my school books to keep my company while my Uncle spent time reading the newspaper and magazines. We would take breaks and start conversations, here and there. Noon rolled around and we decided that it was time to stretch our legs and that we shouldn't leave together, instead staggering our lunch breaks - he went from 12-1 and I would go from 1-2. At 1:45 PM I was headed back from lunch, walking up a very steep hill when the phone rang. It was my Uncle calling to tell me that Grandma was in room 511. YAY.

Finally, I get to see her. I walked up to her room and she was loopy from the drugs still. The blanket covering the area that once was a leg. We didn't talk about it.

We joked about the hospital food and the location of her room. She was located at the end of the hall - this would be good for the crowd of people she would probably have visiting her. Doctors came in and out to check on her. I left for dinner around 4:45 and told her I would see her Saturday. My Uncle stayed.

Grandma had refused to eat her cucumbers in her salad so I told her we could do a little spa treatment and place them on her eyes.

She is such a trooper and I am sure the drugs helped.

Saturday was a big day for her. I walked in her room and the blanket was pulled back so everyone could see the brace and wrapped up area where the open wound is. The (SUPER HOT) physical therapist came in and told her it was time to get out of bed. She laughed. He said "I'm serious" - or something like that - I was too busy drooling. He got Grandma out of the bed which she was certain she could not do. She was amazed and everyone that phoned her during the hour that she was out of the bed got to hear all about it. She is too cute. Tomorrow she goes to the hyper-baric chamber then off to rehab.

There is a whole other layer of personal, family drama that goes along with this and will be better left off of the world wide web - I just wanted to give everyone a huge verbal hug and say thanks.

Also - a huge shout out to Alex, Jon and Bailey for hosting me Saturday night and letting me crash at their home. I had a blast at dinner and cannot thank you enough for the hospitality.

Make it a great week guys!

Call your Grandma

2008-12-02T19:59:00.000-08:00

If your Grams isn't around, call your mom - or someone you love and who loves you unconditionally.

This Friday, my grandma will have her foot and/or leg amputated due to complications of diabetes.

We like to call her the energizer grandma (like the bunny) she was diagnosed years ago with congestive heart failure. Stints, bypass surgery, angiograms and heart attacks all come and go. This woman has given birth 10 times, heart attack - schmar - ta -tac.

Her comments about her heart doctor still echoing inside my head "He has a very nice bedside manner and has the handsome looks of JFK Jr."

We discuss the loss of her limb and she points out the following with a chuckle: Less of me to cremate, I've never been a dancer, as long as I can get from A to B.

She states that the surgery should take anywhere from 1/2 hour -45 minutes and that she will only be in the hospital for 3-5 days. I am not sure of how much of this is true.

We briefly discuss her youngest adult child (My Aunt) who turns 42 today. Aunt P has recently moved back in with her 4 children, grandchild, boyfriend and daughters boyfriend. Did you get that? It's 9 people total - Grandma included - in a 4 bedroom house. Grandma doesn't complain about sharing her home, handing out money, making them meals and paying the mortgage each month. She mentions it's a fair trade because they take care of her. I BITE MY TONGUE and refrain from what would be a world wind of very mean yet truthful things to say about this situation. Obviously, if she was being taken care of - she wouldn't be in the situation she is currently in. While I know she loves the company she is forced to state the obvious and mutters the words "That girl of mine has to grow up".

Grandma mentions about how she was named after St. Therese. A brief history, St. Therese was born to a middle class french family of tradesmen. She was known for her child like love and trust of God. At the end of our conversation, Grandma mentioned she will have Fr. Mike at her parish give her a special blessing and pray over her before she heads to surgery. She mentioned that she has had them do this in the past however she has never shared this with me. It's fear, the fear of the unknown and her life possibly ending. I know it's a possiblility yet I am unable to wrap my mind around it or the thought of her passing as a reality. Not yet, I need more time with her.

We have a tearful good bye. I tell her that I will be around to see her either Thursday, Friday or Saturday - not sure when. She reminds me that God only gives us what we can handle. I say "Well, Grandma - he must think you are one tough cookie."

The surgery is very high risk and her overall health is not good. For all of the unconditional love she has given me, for the caring spirit wrapped in her DNA that we are so blessed to have, giving selflessly - to a fault. If I could take all of her fear away -I would, in a heartbeat.

Community

2008-12-01T20:59:00.001-08:00

As I close in on my first year of blogging (December 7th - Pots on Stove and December 16th - Becoming Parents) I can't help but reflect on the friendships I made and the connectedness now felt in what has been a very tumultuous, hilly ride through the land of Infertility.

I've been so impressed and amazed at how this community here comes together and can't help but scream a huge shout out to Mel - The stirrup Queen aka Lollipop Goldstein. She has compiled the most comprehensive list of known IF blogs - and they are categorized by topic. Cheers to you Mel - you have connected people to create a community in what otherwise has been a silent struggle. Words escape me and somehow the words Thank-you just don't seem to capture my gratefulness to you.

I went back and visited my very first post (have you ever done that?), it feels like a million years ago. What a journey, anyhow - I was wondering who my first comment was from and happily it is from someone I still keep in touch with. She is super cool and always sends a happy, upbeat thought my way. If you get a chance - go say hi to Ally.

Peace, love and blogland!

Where did it go?

2008-11-30T21:32:00.000-08:00

My holiday break from work/weekend? It's missing, where did it go?

The last four days were a mere blur... then I woke up today thinking - oh shit, I have to go to work tomorrow. I am just not quite ready- Especially for school. Mr. Hottypants (btw, not nearly as smart as he appeared to be the first eve in class - big bummer) has got us writing papers left and right, one - the first which is due tomorrow and I have a SEVERE case of writer's block. Correction - make that writing school paper block, blogging seems to be coming very easily.

Painted living room- check

Put up Christmas Tree & inside decorations - check

Still need to find wrapping paper that appears to be MIA somewhere in the garage.

D has worked out of town lately and my mom kept me company yesterday. She inspired me to weed my front yard - yes, weed my front yard. While the sun is quick to shine and grow things, weeds are part of that lovely package. I took advantage of some nice cool weather and got my gloves on. Can I just tell you that I hate, really -really hate spiders. Well, not as much as I hate lice. I think I dislike lice more than spiders. After playing in the dirt, we decided to catch a movie and see Four Christmas'- highly recommended and they managed to save some funny parts for the movie. Go see it! Light, funny and very entertaining, not much else- however it was perfect for our evening.

This morning, I attended a party planning class at our local pottery barn with Jules. The highlight was sitting on a super comfy couch which is COMPLETELY overpriced and out of any normal price range. I could have taken a nap on it, completely enveloped me and reminded me of how much I can't stand our couch.

Ok - not much else to report. Here's wishing everyone a week filled with holiday cheer.

This week I start studying for the CSET - URGHHHHHHHH. I know your jealous.....

P.S. - If the economy gets any worse and I lose my job I have talked D into moving to Hawaii where we will sell all of our wordly possessions (I am going to have to keep a razor and still use my Fredric Fekkai shampoo and conditioner) and be high maintenance hippies - oh yeah with Vespa's and loads of sunscreen. I've already decided I want to work at the Grand Wailea, we stayed there for my dad's birthday 8 years ago and loved it. What could be horrible about working there?

Ripeness

2008-11-29T08:37:00.000-08:00

The color of ripe wheat....

Last weekend, we celebrated our one year anniversary in our home. When we purchased the paint, a year ago, I sincerely thought we would have the entire inside of the house painted by summer - at the latest. This would put us right in line to start on the front yard which we plan to make into an outdoor living space or rather usable back yard because, well, we really have no back yard and the house absorbs much of the noise shielding the front yard from the busy street.

Back to painting, so D opened up the paint can of ripe wheat and we both went - URGHHHH - This color on the entire room? It's a large room and such a dark color. It has really nice natural sunlight so we wanted to go with something a bit lighter. So we dusted off the paint cans and placed all of them in a line trying to figure out what we were thinking when we picked the colors and what colors go to which rooms. We only have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms left to paint and 8 cans of paint. Hmmph. This is the problem when you don't write the room location on the paint can.

So..... we came across Belvedere cream- a nice, rich, cream color. D had just finished the ceiling (white) so I started on the first wall and then shrieked.... it was the EXACT freaking color as what was already there. Using some strong and inappropriate language I was quick to let D know this was a bad idea. He reminded me that it would dry darker and in about 15 minutes I had simmered down realizing that a fresh coat of paint is better than looking at old walls.

Ripe wheat will go in our bedroom with a burnt copper accent wall (I think it's actually called copper mountain), project slated to start in January. No more home improvements till then. YAHOOO.

The Office is still a complete and total disaster - I hate being in here, which is where our one and only working computer resides. I need to find some kind of really cool, hip window covering. I've spent hours leafing through the smith+noble catalogue wondering what to put on this window.

The color - Belvedere cream by Williams-Sonoma, our walls are a bit darker.

As we painted the living room yesterday, in all of it's Belvedere cream glory, we talked about how we both reminisced about our lofty goals regarding the status of our home projects. Then we talked about what we accomplished this last year and we were able to realize why we were just now getting around to painting that room. We also talked about our goals, both personal and professional, for next year - that to me is always exciting.

The prospect of hope and change for a new year - suddenly, I am so over this one and ready to move forward.

Better, much better

2008-11-28T10:29:00.000-08:00

Lest you think I spent all of yesterday running my extra black eyeliner from crying while dressed in goth garb, painted black nails and cranking the Morrissey- let me assure you that I did none of those. Wow, that last post was uh, ahem -quite sad.

Ahhhh, the roller coaster ride that infertility gives us. The rides seem fewer and fewer - I just need to remember to hold on tight when it gets going. Yesterday, was really nice. A bit gloomy (weather-wise) and that is fine by me, we see very few of those days here on the surface of the sun. The morning was spent visiting with some of D's family - his Aunt and Uncle, which was really relaxing and fun. Next stop was turkey time with my mom, her cousin +spouse from NC, my aunt, my Great Uncle and his wife and D. Again, a really fun and relaxing time. Final stop was seeing my dad, yesterday evening who threatened us with more food. I did pretty good yesterday and never let myself *go overboard* however - we came home with food from each place we visited yesterday.

Today, D and I will put the house we call our home back together. Painting, patching walls, replacing outlets in our living room will be our fun today. The contents of that room are sprinkled throughout the dining room and entry way so it literally looks like we are in the process of moving or an explosion has just occurred.

At some point, probably tomorrow - I will post about the goings-on for the past two weeks.

Promise.

OK - Ripe wheat (the name of our paint), here I come.....

Giving Thanks

2008-11-26T20:53:00.000-08:00

Throughout the day, today, thoughts of those two sweet peas who entered our lives last Spring were everywhere. Thoughts scatter throughout our lives - weaved in and out of each day, here and there. Some details are small, some trigger memories that are quite large - almost overwhelming. Today was one a day of the latter.

The holidays are kid-centric times coupled with the fact that I just spent all of last weekend moving the office stuff out of their room. I still call it *the girls' room* and probably will for sometime.

I worry about how - this - here, depth of sadness feels and hope that by Christmas we are strong and brave to not miss out on all of the gifts our life is giving us.

Talking to a good friend tonight, I had to choke back tears and focus on my voice not shaking as I explained how I missed them - painfully. This conversation occured as I was inching my car through the crowded parking lot where I visit our Trader Joe's weekly, where we took them often to the Japanese restaurant, where I carried lg who had a fever into Walgreens, the parking lot where BG took note about all of the kids and parents out one sunny day- then squeezed my hand. Those are memories that cause pain and thankfulness.

Recently, D's best friend was in town visiting from Santa Cruz and wanted to see pictures of the girls. He got to hear us ramble on, complain, laugh and contemplate parenting. In the end, that is an aspect that so many of us look forward to - connecting with our closest friends and family about sharing our life with a child. Look - we did it too! Finally! We can do it - even though it was on a temporary basis. I have kept the photos in a special envelope but I think it might be time to place them in a nice scrapbook. I am sure it would help with some aspects of closure.

Sometimes I think we jumped too fast - with our agency, with saying yes on the day we were approved and then I remember - it wasn't jumping fast, it was jumping and thinking with our heart. Right now, I am thankful for those two sweet peas that entered our lives and help me see more of the charming, humorous, loving and sensitive side of the man in my life.

Happy 200

2008-11-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

This is my 200th post which is amazing because I am big giant flake - as evidenced in my sudden hiatus. I wasn't planning to take 2 weeks off from blogging - life happened and blogging became increasingly difficult.

Instead of complaining about what has been happening the last 2 weeks (Lord knows, I have much to tell you) - I thought it would be nice to list 200 people/places/things I am most thankful for because this is Thanksgiving week.

EDIT****** - 200 - Cheese and rice - what the hell was I thinking? I could barely come up with 100.

Edit #2 - 19.5 is Anna :-) - sorry Annacyclopedia
Edit #3 - I also forgot Ally - sorry ladies. You are all in my top 100, you mean the world to me :-)

Here it goes.....

1. Duane
2. Mom
3. Dad
4. my brother
5. my sister-in law
6. my niece
7. my newphew
8. my dad's side of the family
9. my mom's side of the family
10. Jules
11. Raquel
12. Regina
13. Panda
14. Ashley
15. Veronica
16. Kate
17. Io
18. Emily
19. Emily
20. Barb
21. Anthony Bourdain
22. Ina Garten
23. Jamie Oliver
24. Rocco DiSpirato
25. good health
26. love for running
27. love for cooking
28. my doggies
29. Sprinkles cupcakes
30. My- Ipod
31. My car
32. hope
33. love
34. faith
35. yoga
36. love of teaching
37. books
38. flowers
39. Ireland
40. vanilla latte's
41. fresh baked bread
42. butter
43. chocolate chip cookies
44. tri-tip steak
45. mexican food- especially tacos
46. kettle corn
47. Ben + Jerry's - Cherry Garcia
48. candles
49. Pottery Barn
50. Williams-Sonoma
51. Nordstrom's
52. Gaiam
53. Christmas ornaments
54. snow
55. sunshine
56. John Denver
57. Duran Duran
58. Coldplay
59. The Beatles
60. Talking Heads
61. Bob Marley
62. Prince
63. Sheryl Crow
64. Miles Davis
65. Lenny Kravitz
66. Dave Brubeck
67. Ella Fitzgerald
68. Charlie Parker
69. Frank Sinatra
70. INXS
71. U2
72. Van Halen
73. Black Sabbath
74. Outkast
75. Snow Patrol
76. our local library (it's the one my mom took us to when we were little kids)
77. France
78. Italy
79. England
80. Germany
81. Belguim
82. Switzerland
83. my home town - Riverside
84. Paso Robles
85. Napa
86. San Francisco
87. A new President
88. A Democratic Senate
89. Seeing red states turn blue.
90. Organic food
91. hybrid vehicles
92. recycling
93. my clothesline that will be up next Spring
94. Flavored Mineral Water- Sparklett's Orange is my fave
95. Crab with butter
96. Oranges and Tangerines in December
97. The blogging community
98. freedom of expression
99. be an American
100. Having a job with great benefits, in this economy

What are you most Thankful for?

Lost

2008-11-13T23:02:00.000-08:00

Where did this week go?

It seemed like yesterday (well, Tuesday) I was putting fingers to keyboard... The rest of the week was turbulent, interesting, emotional and exhausting or just a typical day in the life of any of us, no?

My first week back at school was, um, interesting. Let's start with class on Monday night and the teacher I like to call Professor Hottypants. Why, yes, I am - as Van Halen puts it "Hot for Teacher". He's a hunk, seriously - the man needs his own calender. Think of a cross between the hunky Eastern European doctor from ER combined with Andy Garcia. Professor Hottypants spent 4-1/2 hours rambling on about Theories and Interventions involving behavioral disorders and I know I took notes however the ink is blurry from the drool. In all seriousness, the dude is super smart and I am looking forward to his lectures. He did his undergrad at UCLA and his PhD at our very local UC - right here in Riverside. Our assignments seem interesting and thought provoking. We had an in-class assignment where we had to discuss our favorite/most meaningful teacher and assigned us a project where we need to identify a personal behavior we want to change and then analyze the process over the next 9 weeks. You'll never guess who was in the class. BITCHFACE - remember her? She was smart and kept her mouth shut. Let's face it, she was probably enthralled with Professor Hottypants.

Wednesday night D was working on a job out of town so I had the lovely privilege (are you picking up on the heavy sarcasm yet?) of attending the adoption appreciation dinner hosted by our agency. I talked my friend Regina into going with me, she was one of BG's teachers so I felt like she needed to be appreciated also. It was an awkward event, families with their adopted or foster children and me with my good friend Regina. Thankfully, Regina and I have been in some *funny* situations together (for example, let me tell you about the time we worked a fundraiser for Congressman George Brown and I gave a very cold and bitchy shoulder to then Secretary of Housing, Henry Cisneros- uh yeah, I wanted to die). The best way to summarize our friendship is to tell you about the day of my wedding where I realized I forgot to put deodorant on and my photographer Cean decided to get a picture of me holding up both of my arms and Regina applying it - she is that kind of friend. Priceless. She was my rock that evening (and always), making me laugh when I just wanted to sit there and cry. We couldn't leave quick enough, I don't know what I was thinking. Oh and R's crazy foster mom (little girl we got called about right after BG and lg) was there and wouldn't look me in the eyes.

Tonight, was the continuation of Professor Hard-ass that I had last term. She is a bird of a different feather - the classroom dynamics are alot different with less students and she seems to have mellowed out a bit.

Lots of homework ahead of me this weekend, urghhh.

Noise

2008-11-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

I had today off and was ready to experience some peace and quiet when I heard the air compressor in the garage go full boar (I had forgotten that D mentioned he would be working on projects from home today), then our lawn lady showed up ( I know, I know - I said we were cutting back on spending) which led to the non-stop barking of Sydney and Foster. I envisioned me in a bathtub saying - Calgon, take me away.

I was able to get caught up on "stuff" - homework stuff, organizing stuff and random stuff. The highlight of my day was meeting my IRL BFF and her two sweet peas for lunch at the Nordstrom Cafe. Her oldest is just simply adorable and SO patient with her youngest who is at that toddler stage where you just want to nibble his ear because he is that cute. I can see J's beautiful eyes look back at me when I watch her youngest, I watch J's husband's extrovert spirit exude from her oldest son during his interactions. After lunch we ran down to the makeup area to *look around* . I needed some shampoo ( OK, I am just busting myself - left and right here, yep - I am back to expensive shampoo, it's a few bucks cheaper than the super expensive one) and there was no one but the cute, young salesgirl in the accessories department, I took J's oldest with me. I glanced around looking for J and spot her sitting on one of those high chairs, at the mercy of Smashbox saleslady who was in a flurry working those big fluffy brushes against J's face. I lifted her oldest up and said - Look, there's your mom. He looked back at me and said - Yeah, she's getting her face painted. That was just the cutest and funniest thing I think I've ever heard. Thanks J for making today a great day.

I came home to do more homework and while I was assembling chicken enchiladas I decided to make some homemade croutons with the extra sourdough bread we had leftover from last week. OMG, it was so super yummy. I called D to let him know I had a special snack waiting at home and sadly there was nothing when he arrived. The crouton fairy must have magically picked them up. I am sure the crouton elves will be placing the calories on my ass.

Lucky me...

The Reality

2008-11-09T20:29:00.001-08:00

Day to day I don't think about *our girls*, instead thoughts pop in and out of my head in flashback mode. I guess the constant stream of flashbacks started during the week of Halloween because it's such a kid-centered holiday which also coincided to D picking up little girls car seat from my brothers house. Ryan and Tricia had a car seat in case they needed to transport all the kids while they were providing day care last summer. Anyway, back to Halloween - I started to think of what their costumes would be or contemplate on whether they even had costumes.

When we decided to paint/tile our home office we moved every piece of furniture, book and paper into the girls' room. I was happy to close the door on that room when guests came over - before our home improvement project and after the girls were reunified, it just looked so stark, empty and lifeless. So, the office has been completed for weeks now and I have used every excuse in the book to not step foot in the girls room - until today. I knew it would be tough... I had no idea I would bite my lip - so hard it bled- to fight back tears when I came across the following:

School papers with Big Girl's writing

A birthday card from Bio-Grandparents to little girl

Paperwork from the agency about getting approved for this process

Empty child size hangers in the closet

The diaper bag I used for little girl

I could go on... but I need to go to sleep. I am exhausted - mentally, physically - everything. Wednesday we go to a dinner hosted by our agency to celebrate National Adoption Month and we will be attending with our brave faces and torn hearts. I feel like I am at the very end of the frayed rope watching it unravel as our chances to parent decrease daily. Still no call for a placement.

Some good news... I spent Saturday driving all over San Diego getting items for my Grandpa and helping him to get settled. I arrived at his new place at 9:00 AM, he had just finished breakfast. I asked how it was, he replied it was great - "pancakes", he chimed, in an upbeat manner. Before I could comment and focus on his positive tone he then whined about the room being filled with a bunch of octogenarians. I sighed. He's 83, BTW. We put together a list of some things he needed like Scope, paper towels, dove soap - some of his favorite things and I got to check out his new place. He was in a temporary setting until his furniture arrived. My cousin Nichole and I ran to Target and we were commenting on how other residents had decorated their doors with personalized items. His neighbors hung fall-like wreaths and other little knick-knack things, very reminiscent of a college dorm. This is kind of funny because we were picking up dorm-like basics - minus the keg. Once we returned to Kappa Kappa Grandpa we joined other aunts, uncles and cousins to help unload and get him settled. The staff was really nice, firm but nice, the place is super clean and looks like an upscale hotel and his peers seem really nice. Other residents would smile and wave as we walked down the hallway. His new environment is more physically appropriate and there is a level of care associated. The staff comes by to "clean" his room in the morning (make sure he up and moving) then in the early afternoon they come by to remind him about dinner. It will be much easier to visit him in this environment, my only hope is that he embraces this change and as we know - change is difficult and often painful, especially when it involves the loss of personal independence.

I start school tomorrow night, the break was just too quick and I have Tuesday (Veteran's Day) and Friday (my 9/80) off. YIPPEE!

Make it great week :-)

Handsome + Smart

2008-11-07T20:29:00.001-08:00

One of my fave photos of this week.

Confirmation

2008-11-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

I didn't have doubts about my vote... however, seeing the first crush of my life supporting him, gives me the goosebumps and I realize I did make the right choice. I am taking it as a sign.

That would be John Taylor, from Duran Duran.

Tightening the belt

2008-11-06T07:37:00.000-08:00

I hate money and I love money -don't we all feel that way?

Last January, in an effort to lose weight I decided I would only go to Starbucks once -every other week versus my 2-3 times a week habit. I immediately had a little bit of extra money and realized it was not only helping my waistline but my wallet as well. Additionally, I wanted to help the environment in some way, when I made these decisions as well (hence the clothesline I received from my in-laws, for my birthday that is still in the box, residing in our garage). It was around this time I started to talk D into buying me a Vespa ( I got so close, but being that I am super accident prone and have to travel quite a distance to school, he vetoed it - probably a really good idea in retrospect) - so we could save on gas.

Because D is self-employed, we rely on my paycheck for not only a steady income that pays the mortgage but medical/dental/vision insurance and a defined retirement plan. D's work cyclically slows during the holiday season so we are cautious on our spending. With recent economic worries, surprisingly (please knock on wood) D still has a steady stream of work and now we are more worried about my job. AAAAAACK!

So... we discussed, last night, what I would do if I lost my job - in kind of a humorous way because that was the only way we could muster the topic. We also talked about the cutbacks we have recently made so we won't feel blindsided *if* or rather when the other shoe drops.

We stopped the LA times (boo hoo), Netflix (super boo-hoo) and I phoned AT&T to ask about a few unexplained charges and got them to change our long distance plan, resulting in a $30.00 monthly decrease. I would also like to share with you that I am no longer using my $25 a bottle shampoo and $25 a bottle conditioner and this is probably where I feel the tightening in the belt the most - on my head, resulting in tangles. OUCH.

Today, instead of Starbucks I stopped at 7-11, where I purchased a grande size coffee, pack of gum, some hostess crumb doughnuts and 2 packs of gum all for 5 bucks. Usually, I make coffee at work but today I needed a treat. Oh and I bring my lunch to work, every day - usually last night's leftovers.

So I ask, in an effort to find ways to cutback - Where are you cutting back?

Motivation

2008-11-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

Motivation came knocking this week when we came to work on Monday and discovered our "big cheese" had been let go. Without going into too much detail, or rather without giving myself enough rope to hang myself - I will just have to say that the reason presented to the group and the actual reason why he was let go - are very different, however, there are truths to both. Are you picking up what Iam putting down?

I guess we all get lackadaisical at our jobs, however, after learning about his departure and the ensuing budget problems that will result in decreases in our staff, then benefits and finally pay, everyone is suddenly*the model employee* which translates into some version of the stepford employee. It's almost like some sick reality show called "Who will be lucky enough to keep their job". Well, not everyone is motivated in that capacity- I am suddenly motivated to pass the CSET and become a teacher like never before. I guess it was the shot in the arm that I needed. I struggle with - well alot, but mostly because I have a great career and feel very settled in my job and in the evening I play teacher. It's a farce. It's hard and I can't keep up the charade.

I am tired.

I feel like once I can make the career change, I can then think more clearly about our path to parenthood. There are a million *what if* scenarios and I could list them here but why, really?

I think I am also motivated because for the first time in a really long time I have hope that life in our great country is going to change for the better. While my ideals differ about some critical areas, I pick up on a sense of genuineness and sincerity when I see Obama near his children and can't help but think that is part of his innate personality that will ultimately spill over to his career.

Here's to motivation. What motivates you? Is there a particular guru? Mantra? Life event?

History

2008-11-04T21:48:00.000-08:00

Youth vote was the best turnout EVER.

Latinos who voted for Bush in the last election, voted for Obama.

Teachers will tell all kids in classrooms tomorrow that ANYONE can be President of the United States and now they will all believe it because it's the truth.

It doesnt get much better than this....It's hope and it's the prospect of change (I think we are all in agreement our great country needs).

Like Nike says...JUST DO IT

2008-11-04T05:14:00.000-08:00

Save Second Base

2008-11-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

I know, I know... it's been a few days since I last posted. My laptop has finally passed away and now I am faced with purchasing some stupid AC adapter when really I just want *this*. You know, because that money tree in my backyard is flourishing. HAHAHA.

I'll start with today and move back to Wednesday, the start of the worse business trip I have ever taken in my entire lifetime.

Months ago, D and I committed to participate in the run/walk for a cure - Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer event. D's good friend from high school - David, lost a sister to breast cancer and let me digress. Her funeral was one of the most beautiful tributes I have ever seen compounded with the fact that her brother -David, truly loved his sister. If my brother would show 1/8th of the compassion and sadness at my funeral, I will be shocked and well- shocked. So fast forward to today - San Diego's Balboa park to be exact and everything was perfect - weather, course and most people. Speaking of people, there are several in my life who I walked for today that have dealt with breast cancer and it was powerful, motivating and inspiring to be part of such an amazing event. I ran this event, with very little training and was amazed that I made it as far as I did (2 miles, baby steps - errr baby jogs). I have decided that I really need to get serious about training as it didn't go nearly as smooth as races I had participated in past times and I am sure that I will feel it tomorrow. Oh joy. What I will also be feeling tomorrow is happy to have been part of an event that raised $800,000+ for breast cancer research and awareness. Some of our favorite t-shirts we noticed today were Save Second Base and Save the Tata's.

Halloween was not too scary, just a few friends over and I made Taco soup, jalapeno cheesy cornbread and a yummy desert that I will have to post photos of. D and I reminisced about our November 1st anniversary - the anniversary of our first date, our friends enjoyed hearing us talk about that night. We had a very normal, dare I say boring, first date - dinner and movie. The zinger was in the days that followed. We never left each other's side from that day on and were living together by Thanksgiving.

Thursday was my first day back to work, plenty to do and I left at noon to meet with nice lady therapist. Nlt was supportive without being condescending, polite without being "too nice" and made me feel really comfortable. I will see her again (in December) to discuss our miscarriage and the loss of the BG and lg. After the appt I headed to the last night of Professor Hell's class, I have her next term so, I promise to deliver more horror stories. She is everything I hope to never be as a teacher - A bully, inconsistent and rude. I feel confident these are personality traits spilling over into her career, sadly. The poor kids that have to deal with her. It's over, not much to say about the class except - B's are for degrees. I need to get over the whole " I NEED AN "A" IN EVERY CLASS thing.

Wednesday - hee hee, the end of business trip hell and the beginning of my life resuming to a normal state. Our team, still camped out at the worst Marriott in Marriott history (Seriously, don't ever, EVER stay at the Marriott Villa's in Desert Palm Springs, off of Pinehurst Lane -HORRIBLE) packed up the car, attended our last workshop and I drove us back in record time. We were "released" for the day. Yes, big cheese - dumb boss used that exact word and then I popped a happy pill to deal with family drama.

Let me talk about this property - real quick. It was a timeshare and due to the overflow of the conference affecting vacancy at closer, better hotels we were forced to stay at this hellhole. First, I took a bubble bath and had to dry off with a hand towel (good times) and when I called to ask for more towels at 9:30 PM, I had to call back at 10:30 PM to remind them about the towels I ordered AND they delivered the towels at 11:15 PM. I am sorry, they delivered dirty towels with hair on them at 11:15 PM. I tossed them out on the patio, totally nasty. The following morning, I went to grab the hair dryer and guess what - yep, no hair dryer. This is a place that wants people to give large sums of money, it's a timeshare for God's sake and you don't have a freaking hair dryer? Seriously? The sheets didn't smell fresh and there was just a general film of dirt across everything, I made a stink with the housekeeping manager and returned to find the room spotless, shining and smelling pleasant. I am sure they used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet bowl.

Tuesday - After being at the conference ALL.DAY.MONDAY. my direct supervisor and I bumped into each other in the hall and decided that we needed to go find "a diversion". I was happy just to go sit out by the pool, she was looking for drinks. We left the hotel where our conference was being held and while we were headed to the hotel adjacent to the other property and a beautiful clubhouse. Within five minutes, I was drinking a glass of Chardonnay and she was working on a martini. Twenty minutes later those drinks were pushed aside and we were tasting $500.00 a bottle champagne - for free. J, my boss, is a cutie pie and there was some youngish dude representing Champagnes and trying to get the club house manager to purchase a few cases. The stuff was GOOD- it was a fun afternoon. Let me just tell you how "sobering" it is to have to provide an analysis of the classes you *supposedly* attended and hoping to make some sense.

While experiencing our libation filled afternoon, J and I were determined to ditch the other two individuals for dinner. Not a problem, I had previously mentioned the never-ending homework I had brought and she suddenly was not feeling well. The problem - how do we ensure that we will have wheels. We were so desperate to get out of having dinner we agreed, ahead of time, we would call a cab if one of the other member of the party we were ditching wanted the wheels. The sun was setting, it was dusk, I ran to the car like a 16 year old trying to sneak out of the house and drove over to J's place. Thirty minutes later we were here we were happy to discover that they offer half price on all bottles of wine, Tuesday nights. It was a LOVELY evening, seriously - we had a blast.

Monday was long, not really newsworthy. That was my last week in a nutshell...

Other news - I have decided to get a double master's, one will be in Special Education, Mild to Moderate and the other will be in Special Education, Moderate to Severe. Our school is one of the few in the area that has this specific program, I'll start in Spring 2009.

Have a great week. Tomorrow is my last night of class for my Fall I term, Fall II will start the week after next and I am ready for a break. I hate starting the week out exhausted.

I'mmmmm back

2008-10-29T21:47:00.001-07:00

I'am back (promise to post soon about company travel adventure from hell) and nearly fell off of my chair when I looked at the amount of comments in my google reader -111 and I have spent the last 45 minutes glancing through and only go to 91. Shit.

I have some family crap to deal with, I am hoping it will resolve and dissipate. My solution before heading to dinner with said family member who might send me to an early grave was popping a happy pill - and what do you know, man that shit works and it works good. I was so relaxed I nearly fell asleep at the table - but it was sucess. No crying, no screaming and no snide remarks. Of course, I had a total meltdown as soon as we got home which just so happened to be the fourth hour after I had taken the dose. I have an appointment scheduled with a psychologist tomorrow at Kaiser, it was either tomorrow or December 2nd and frankly - I am hanging by a thread at this moment who know where I would be by 12/02.

I know alot of my emotion stems from family crap and is combined with missing the girls in this INSANE way and all other things Infertility related. I am sure being in school full time/working full time and doing a career change are all related to my feelings of being overwhelmed.

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath.

Bye-bye

2008-10-26T19:02:00.001-07:00

I will be away till Wednesday, for work, in the lovely town of Palm Springs. I was shocked and saddened that the temperature is still blazing, the forecast is predicting 97 as the high tomorrow. Curses, it's beginning to look like I may never wear a sweater - EVER. The weather really causes a packing challenge because it is business dress and who - in their right mind - wants to get all dolled up when it is that warm? Not I.

Things I will be looking forward to:

Using the workout room, the property where we are staying has a really nice - deluxe gym with all the bells and whistles.

Room Service - Is there anything better? Though we have been summoned by the big cheese to have a *team* dinner the first night, we are on our own for the second. There is so much homework I have to get done so I will be working on that in any spare time. Hopefully, I can also squeeze in a bubble bath - I've even packed some mini-travel candles.

The last conference I attended (Oct, 2006) this group was able to get Chris Gardner as the keynote speaker and we were sitting at the very front table. He was amazing, motivational and inspiring to see in person. We got to see the first peek at the film based on his life - The Pursuit of Happyness.

Things I will not be looking forward to:

Waking up at an insane time tomorrow morning 4:30 AM so I can be at work at 5:30 AM and we can be on the road by 6:00 AM arrive in PS by 7:30 AM. I am exhausted already and then we have...

The team dinner with the big cheese - this should be interesting, with the amount (or lack thereof) of sleep. Talk about running on fumes.

I just looked at the agenda which consists of workshops for most of the day tomorrow, Tues and Wed. The first two days go from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. Urghhh. We get to leave on Wed at noon however, my big cheesecake of big cheese has stated he wants to have a group lunch in PS and then we are free to go home for the day. The dope forgot we are all driving in the same car together, to and from (should be interesting). What a moron!

The laptop is packed, however, it is going to quit on me ANY.DAY.NOW. Hmmm, I guess I know what to ask Santa for this year. I probably won't get much blogging done or read.

Chat with you later in the week :-)

One word meme

2008-10-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

I love these!

Tagged by my sole sister Kate! This is perfect for a Saturday - the rule is that you have to answer with one word, very difficult for a wordy girl. I tag the following peeps: Ally, Reggie. Barb and Bridget

Here goes:
1. Where is your cell phone? charging
2. Where is your significant other? Home Depot
3. Your hair color? red
4. Your mother? funny
5. Your father? emotional
6. Your favorite thing? wine
7. Your dream last night? nada
8. Your dream/goal? many
9. The room you’re in? office
10. Your hobby? Grad School
11. Your fear? dying
12. Where do you want to be in six years? San Francisco
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? Republican
15. One of your wish list items? children
16. Where you grew up? Riverside
17. The last thing you did? Dishes
18. What are you wearing? t-shirt +Jeans
19. Your T.V.? flat
20. Your pet? dogs
21. Your computer? Dell
22. Your mood? hungry
23. Missing someone? Gma
24. Your car? VW
25. Something you’re not wearing? socks
26. Favorite store? Nordstroms
27. Your Summer? fun
28. Love someone? many
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? noon
31. Last time you cried? A.M.

It's really all we have left...

2008-10-24T19:59:00.001-07:00

This poster above is from poster offensive

Make a difference... Get out and Vote

motherflower

2008-10-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

I've long used the word above as a synonym for a more colorful phrase. Yes, years of Catholic school ( I don't know what else to blame it on) have attributed to my mouth that sometimes sounds like it belongs to a sailor - mostly when I am driving.

I came home today at noon, due to a migraine. I used to brag about my one time a year headache and bemoan my impending death. HA, well - now I am getting migraines and while yesterday I should have heeded the warning of the pressure on my eyeball that felt like it was going to pop out of my skull throughout the day, I barreled through getting ready this morning refusing to recognize other signs such as the sore, stiff neck and EVERYTHING seemed too bright or too loud this morning.

So I came home to rest (that lasted for about 5 minutes) and then I started on homework. I turned on the TV, so the quietness of the house would not be deafening, to the Food Network channel where there was a commercial for

THIS

I know, we all secretly love and loathe Martha all at once. I even have an Aunt named Mary and she is such a Martha groupie, we now call her Aunt Mary Martha. Even better, how fun - to be able to poke fun at your mom on national TV. OK, I love my mom but there are days were I would be able to fill an hour slot of poking fun - EASILY and when your mom is over the top and ever so talented Martha - WHY THE HELL NOT?

Ok, now I feel guilty (Definitely a result of Catholic School) -
Shout out to Sherrie, I love you mamacita. You are the most kind, giving and loving person I know. Love, your kiddo (you know, the good one).

While my brain is feeling less like it will implode it is now sore. From.Being.In.Pain. I'll be back when I am feeling better. Bleh. I mean Bye :-) - ouch, it even hurts to smile.

EDIT** - Thank you Chlomid for the migraines, never had them before I took that IF drug.

Brilliant

2008-10-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

I am in class now, got to make it short and sweet.

Tonight I am in my Rti - Brain based teaching and learning with Math disorders, this is the class about me. I am a walking math disorder, not my strong suit nor do I have any interest. Funny, I work with numbers all day long or rather ALL DAY LONG and yet I enjoy my work because I can do equal parts of communicating which is a nice break from the calculating.

Our professor shared this video on Daniel Tammet, ever heard of him? A few years back, in 2002, he recited pi to 22, 514 digits within five hours and nine minutes. Scientists say his success is in part to his complex imaging.

In 2006, while he was in America on a book tour for his memoir Born on a blue day he met the real Rain man, Ken Peek who is equally amazing and brilliant in a different way. Their meeting is available on Youtube as well.

The brain is amazing, truly amazing.

Busy

2008-10-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have been one busy bee today and have spent 80% of the day cleaning. After rifling through my Grandfather's belonging's I became inspired to rifle through my own "load of crap". Our bedroom had become this explosion of clothes resting upon 2 random chairs that were previously in our office. I am happy to report the bedroom is tidy, now if I can only get the rest of the house clean.

Posting will be spotty, at best this week, due to projects at school and then there is the job.

I got a chance to see my Uncle Joe this past weekend and he brought this great NY Times Article. Please do take a few minutes to read it, I like the message.

Make every moment count.

Today, Tomorrow and Sunday

2008-10-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

Today

Weird, icky, not fun, stressful and awkward. Still, it was great to see my cantankerous, snarky Grandfather and my Aunts and Uncles. We talked about the will, the pink slip to the car, his personal debt. People talked about different items they wanted and my Grandfather was in the room, present for all of this. There is a reason why people do this after the person has passed away.

We did make progress, we spoke about what items will move to the Assisted living facility, what will be put into storage and what will go to Goodwill. I met my Great uncle Jack today, who is 3 years older - a young 86 years old. Still driving.....scary. He and my Grandfather had a falling out - before I was born, I think and they reconciled a few years back. He lays pretty low, his wife has passed and he has no children. How odd that his brother has ten kids with gobs of grand kids.

Picking up my Grandfather from the assisted care facility, watching him shoot dagger eyes as my dad who suggested we get a wheelchair and then watching him roll his eyes at his peers enjoying an impromptu banjo jam session in the rec room made me realize my Grandpa is not going to change. As much as I would love to see him become more social with people, he is who he is.

I returned home this evening from SD and made a nice dinner, then...

I made some pumpkin muffins. D crashed out in his favorite chair so Jamie kept me company in the kitchen. Yes, I kept the melamine *made in China* mixing bowls from Williams-Sonoma.

I added dried cranberries and almonds, as directed on the package of the mix for the "holiday touch".

I was knee deep in my Irish roots today, so I decided to use my shamrock liners.

Tomorrow

We will leave at super early O'clock to head back to SD.

The finished product. I tasted one a few minutes ago, yummy!

Sunday

Planning to do to school work.

St. Catherine's of Siena ~Dubois, Pennsylvania - circa 1914

Today, I came across my Grandfather's baptismal certificate. He was baptized Catholic on August 1, 1926 - oddly, my brother and I attended mass and went to school at St. Catherine's of Alexandria - here in Riverside. It's also where D and I got married. Cool coincidence.

St. Catherine's of Siena in Dubois, Pennsylvania

Present day.

Finding the humor in life

2008-10-16T19:09:00.001-07:00

http://www.palinaspresident.us/ - It's interactive, move your cursor over the objects. and will just take a few minutes. I love the gun and what falls out of the trash can.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EADUQWKoVek - For the Irish Barack supporters, it's quite funny.

I will be moving my Grandfather into an assisted living facility which will have moments of humor (hopefully) sprinkled over a hot mess of a sad day. He doesn't want to go, I don't blame him. He is mentally as sharp as a tack, his body cannot keep up with his mind. He is going to a beautiful new home where he will meet new people, make friends and be well taken care of. From his point of view and the reality of the situation is that he is losing his independence, his cats will go to a new home and he is starting at the beginning of the final chapter in the book that is his life.

I know he will do fine, he is a total character. If he lived in LA he would probably try to be friends with the people below.

Baby McBrickel

2008-10-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

Remembering our Babies - October 15th is the official day of Pregnancy and loss Rememberance

Our pregnancy was short, way too short.

It felt like a dream and as quickly as it was given, it was taken away. Our lives can be defined as before the pregnancy and after the pregnancy. As if a filter washed everything dull and grey from the moment our loss happened.

There are good days, there are bad day and then there are days like today (and tomorrow) that will be tough to get through.

I started this blog as an outlet to voice the thoughts flooding my brain and have met this incredible group of amazing, supportive, intelligent, funny, wonderful, women who struggle with infertility in one way or another and have to recognize another emotion I will be feeling- Thankful.

I get overwhelmed with the support I recieve from you all, we have created a family of sorts.

I am thankful for all of you, especially the one who encouraged me to start blogging.

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.

-Epictetus

Yummy

2008-10-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

I had a very unproductive day, today. Somehow the hours between 10:00 AM and 3:00 PM floated right by and I don't have much to show for them.

I am feeling a bit better and decided to make some yummy treats to bring to class tonight. If I would have had my thinking cap on, I would have taken pictures as the process occurred and of the final product. Apparently, my thinking cap is M.I.A.

Chocolate Chip Reese's Treat

Items you will need

1- Muffin pan

1- bag of Nestle Toll house choc chips

1- bag of Reese's Miniature Peanut butter cups

Pam or Crisco Spray

Make the cookie dough, as instructed on the Toll house package. Now - you are going to deviate from the norm and instead of pulling out a cookie sheet, instead grab the muffin pan. Spray the pan with Pam or Crisco.

Drop chocolate chip batter into each muffin tin and then in the center of each muffin circle, place a single miniature Reese's right into the middle. Pop in the oven for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.

Today, I used Plugra unsalted butter and they turned out funky so be sure to use regular butter. Sometimes, it is those little things that make a huge difference while baking.

Honestly, these are beyond yummy and I promise they will go quickly.

Santa Ana's, Movies and Dinner

2008-10-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

I am not feeling any better, in fact, much, much worse.

The Santa Ana's flew through our town today, kicking up debris, pollen and moving anything not tied down in everyone's backyards - this does not help my sinus/cold situation. While shopping at Costco today with my mom I purchased the Tylenol cold and sinus medicine day and night time remedy super size pack. Honestly, I really hope I am not sick enough to warrant the use of this entire pack before it expires in two years. We went for Rotisserie chicken and turkey pot pies and came out with just a few more items than that. We were able to split a bunch of stuff, like the loaves of La Brea Bakery whole grain bread and the chicken salad. I was able to talk both myself and my mom out of the Christmas nightlights that were only ten bucks. They were too cute, but really - a pack of 3 Christmas nightlights. Who the hell needs Christmas ornament nightlights. I also came close to picking up a pack of q-tips until I read the fine print and noticed the quantity said 1,175. CHRIST - really, over a thousand q-tips. I think in these economic times, buying in bulk can be financially savvy - if you have 7 kids, however I think you have to draw the line in the sand, somewhere today I drew mine with Q-tips.

I've been watching lots of movies this weekend and basically laying low or rather horizontal. I gathered the energy to drive to Orange County (aka land of the republicans) to watch Rachel getting married. Amazing performances and Miss Hathaway did an outstanding job - Oscar worthy performance.

As I pulled up to the shopping center to meet my friend Raquel I noticed a ton of people out holding signs. While I was hoping it was to end the war or support Obama, I was saddened and frustrated to see the loads of supporters holding Prop 8 signs, hardly any protesters, just a few. Suddenly, with the weight of the world on my shoulders - I felt a wave of guilt for not being out there to hold a No on 8 sign. Could I talk Raquel into ditching the movie and running to the market to get supplies to join the protesters. I remembered that I was meeting the person who was the Maid of Honor at my wedding, a close friend, who was involved in a horrific car accident a week ago ( the car is totaled, btw) and whom I have spent little time with in the past few months during our short stint as parents. It must be part of that whole - How do I have it all feeling I felt a few posts ago.

Other movies we watched this weekend were:

Ironman- I know, I already gave the review. I forgot to mention that while we watched the movie I commented to D about how I loved Robert Downey Jr.s private airplane, D agreed - especially after he saw the stripper pole pop up in the plane. He wondered if Virgin Atlantic had installed those in their planes yet.

In the land of women - Good, thought it was going to be funnier. It's not, quite sad actually.

Zohan - Stupid funny and D's friend from High School is in it, so we got a chuckle out of seeing Ahmed Ahmed. I love how Adam Sandler make silly movies that still have a bit of a message in them. I also love to see the random people he puts in his movies - Kevin Nealon, Rob Schneider, John McEnroe.

Juno - This one took a while, I wasn't at a good place to see it when it came out in the movies. Just.Too. Painful. I found moments very difficult to get through, all in all - very good movie. I loved that note she put in the frame.

While at the theater, we watched previews for two really cool/interesting movies coming out soon. The first is Milk. This will be a great one to watch - it's about Harvey Milk, California's first openly gay elected official. How I love Sean Penn, he is one of those folks that I love as an actor and would love to be his friend - in real life.

The second preview we watched was Doubt with Phillip Seymour Hoffman about a Catholic priest being accused of molesting a student. Co-starring Meryl Streep, this should be a good one.

And then there was our dinner this evening, I should really get some monetary compensation from Trader Joe's with all of the free advertisement I give them.

Steak - It comes already cooked (close to the prepared foods section). I placed it in some Plugra butter and melted Gorgonzola cheese, quickly searing it and took it to Medium well for me and Medium for Duane. Not too bad for reheating steak already grilled/cooked steak.

Green beans with Pancetta. This is quite possibly my fave veggie recipe and fave thing to take to potlucks, it really couldn't be any easier. Stick the bags of green beans in the microwave, fry up some pancetta and make the dressing (olive oil, vinegar, mustard and a shallot). Combine all ingredients and toss with dressing. YUM YUM.

Mashed potatoes -As mentioned in previous posts, my mom is from the South and makes AMAZING home-made mashed potatoes. We never ate instant growing up, in fact - I didnt even know they existed for the better part of my life. Once I discovered the Idahoan instant potatoes (and tried to serve them to her) I thought she was going to disown me - until she tasted and fell in love with them. We don't make them all the time - just every now and then.

Ok - Now I am off to have a glass of this

And eat some of this

Sooooooo good. Why yes, I am feeding my cold/allergy problem. BTW, the pain in my mouth was a piece of the sharp unpopped popcorn lodged into my gum line. D jokes that there is crack in the cracked pepper popcorn. We are both addicted to this stuff.

Have a great week folks!

Mema, movies and medicine

2008-10-10T20:55:00.001-07:00

This week is done and so am I.

I still feel like crap and it is most likely allergies although today I have an odd pain in my mouth. It's as if there is a popcorn kernal wedged into the bottom lower right, back quadrant of my gums and at times it feels like it is slicing my gums open repeatedly and slowly. I've tried flossing, brushing and rinsing over and over again - even with warm salt water. Did you throw up in your mouth a little? Kate, my sister from another mister, was kind enough to answer my plea for office-friendly remedies that included the gargalling of warm salt water and I even tried it this evening and the other day at work.

So, it was a week. Watching a close friend lose her mother is about the most heart/gut wrenching thing ever and I have to share what an amazing job her daughter and granddaughters did honoring this amazing woman. Her kindness and thoughtfulness was encapsulated and displayed beautifully in a funeral mass - complete with Mariachi's and a beautiful slide show highlighting all moments of her life. She will be greatly missed and has passed on her greatest attributes and legacy to my friend Regina, her daughter Ashley and her neice Veronca. Later, at the gathering, Ashley, Regina's daughter had the mariachi band play "Mariachi Loco" for me after we were chatting about the movie The Heartbreak kid. I love that kid, she's totally got my sense of humor. There is nothing - NOTHING, like live music. Oh how I love hearing Mariachi's. My love for Mariachi music came at an early age when my parents would take us to a little hole in the wall Mexican restaurant - La Chinita, where they had Mariachi's perform weekly and afterward we would crank up the car stereo played a tape featuring Linda Ronstadt (yes, that Linda Ronstadt) singing with Mariachi's, I was hooked. The music of the Mariachi's evokes such emotion, it is really quite beautiful. One of my favorite songs Linda sings is The Charreada. Mariachi's bring me a lot of good childhood memories and memories of Mema.

Tonight, we watched Ironman and it was great watching the magic that is Robert Downey Jr. I have been a fan of his since Less than Zero - he looks fantastic and I am elated that he was able to conquer his demons. It was fun to watch a movie that featured ACDC and Black Sabbath. Gwyneth Paltrow's role was cute, however - she needs to stick to being a blonde, red is not her color.

Work is keeping me insanely busy and I really feel like I am in a good place, with good people and good benefits. Does it get any better? I guess it would if I could become a parent, maybe? I am happy to not be parenting right now - did I just really type that - crap, the Catholic guilt is telling me to delete that last sentence. Must. Stay. Strong. It would just be so very, very difficult not impossible, but difficult (and would probably send me to an early grave) to parent on top of this new, demanding position, pass the CSET, complete Graduate school in a successful manner and actually retain the knowledge being crammed into my brain and manage to put on clean underwear each day. The baby thoughts or rather the attempting to make a baby thought is sprouting once again as I read through my open enrollment materials this evening and have come to the conclusion that we will, more than likely, stay with Kaiser and re-visit infertility treatments once I get hired as a teacher. On the fost/adopt front, we have not heard anything from the agency, which is fine. I have absolutely no leave balances on the books at work and as described above, no time. I guess I know the answer to the question " Can today's woman have it all?" Few, very few and not this one.

Next week will bring me 2, count them DOS days off. YIPPPEEEE. I have Columbus Day (or as the people of South Dakota and myself like to say - Native American Day) off and Friday is my 9/80. Ahhhh, three day workweek, woo-hoo.

Here is my P.S.A. - Please, people, - read and learn about the candidates. Did anyone see the McCain supporter who was attempting to address McCain and during her statement proclaimed that "Obama is an Arab"? McCain corrected her, but still - HOLY CRAP. The scary thing is - she is probably registered to vote.

My favorite song this week - Fruta Vermelha by Apollo Nove, reminds me of sitting on beach and everything that summer has to offer.

Airborne

2008-10-08T08:24:00.001-07:00

I've been fighting something.

I thought my allergies were acting up and this morning when I woke up my throat was aching in pain. The last thing I want to do is speak today and it just so happens that I have a million phone calls to make (OK, a bit of an exaggeration), 3 retiree counseling sessions and a presentation to our Management team. Oh joy.

This morning, Duane (God love him) could tell I was not my normal self and even re-heated my coffee because he wanted it to be hot, once I got out of the shower. He turns on the shower and brings me coffee each morning. It makes up for the other shit he does that drives me bonkers.

I am hitting the Airborne, as we speak. Any other office friendly remedies? Please share.

Finally... on board

2008-10-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

It's taken me quite sometime to get over the loss of Hillary as our party's candidate of choice. After watching the debate this evening, I feel confident in voting for Barack. This has been a long and personal journey for me - I don't want to go into the why or how, I do have a few comments from the debate.

McCain - Don't call me your friend (that was so demeaning, BTW) and don't compare yourself to Tip O'Neil. No, I disagree, sir - social security will not be just "be solved." We have the largest number of people retiring and collecting on social security. Get the facts man, it's only secured until 2041. I believe in this country also, it's future, it's greatness - you are simply not part of the plan.

What happened to the top of Tom Brokaw's lip? It has been disappearing over the years and now it is completely gone.

Is anyone else completely CREEPED out by Cindy McCain and seriously how *normal* does Michelle Obama look. I would be her friend.

My gut feeling is good for both Barack and Michelle and at this point I am close to calling our local field office and see if they can put a banner on the side of my house.

ONE, count them - ONE month from tonight. Get out, Vote and let's get the Country back on track!

CSET

2008-10-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

Missed it by two points.... URGHHHHH

Next test date is Saturday November 1st and I'll be actually cracking open the CSET study guide, this time.

I know, I know...

Friends, SNL and Grandparents

2008-10-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

Wow - what a week... honestly - it's been beyond busy. In one week, I have had a good friend lose a parent, had a different and equally good friend be involved in a life threatening car accident which she *literally* walked away from- thanks to German Engineering and watch another really good friend assist her husband as they mourn the passing of his Grandmother.

That is three right? They come in three's and honestly, I am afraid to answer the phone at this point. The phone ringing and offering more *bad/sad* news should not be a problem as my cell phone has bit the dust, as in- no longer playing the game of life. I get the replacement phone tomorrow.

SNL was great - Tina Fey does a better Sara Palin than Sara Palin. Tina rocks and as far as I am concerned - she should run for President. Hmmmm I wonder who would be a good VP for her. I think Steve Martin would be great or how about Amy Poehler? Wow, could America handle having two - count-em two females in charge? Sorry for the sarcasim. No, I am not.

Lastly, I need to remember (before I start complaining) that I am 36 years old and have had 2 Grandparents (out of5) for the better part of my life. I lost my Grandma Kitty ( mom's mom) when I was 6th Grade and two Grandfather's within the last 10 years. I need to appreciate the Grandparents that are still around and try to be a bigger portion of their life. With that being said, my Grandpa was admitted to the hospital today and his health is declining. He is in need of round the clock care and it's just really quite sad. I've mentioned this before and I'll state it again - I was the first and only grandchild for 7 years and there is a collection style photo frame that hangs in my Grandfather's place and shows me at a specific age and place. I want to say I was around age 6 and we might have been at the zoo? One of the pictures in this collection is of an ape with the same color hair that I had at the time - Orangatang orange? Not exactly sure why the photo was included, but as my dad and I discussed his belongings and how he was going to try to start contacting his siblings to determine who will get what - I suddenly thought of this framed photo montage and the way it fills my heart with joy and happiness when I look at it.

My Grandfather is a persnickety and quirky fellow who oddly and infrequently shows personal affection. This photo frame that hung prominently in his dining area of me was, I believe, his special way of saying he loved/loves me.

Here is wishing eveyone a week filled with humor, fun and love because God knows we all have enough shit to sift through.

Who want to run away here with me?

We will eat bread with gobs of unsalted butter, drink wine in copious amounts and visit Jim (and company) at Pere Lachaise.

The Great Schlep

2008-10-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

RamblinRose posted this great video and I had to borrow her idea though I am completely inept with posting video on my blog so... if you click in the center of the square - I promise it will play.

Freakin China....

2008-10-03T17:43:00.001-07:00

How cute are these mixing bowls from Williams-Sonoma?

I know - adorable.

I purchased them today - in this beautiful shade of red, got them home opened the package and noticed that they were MADE IN CHINA and they are melamine. Is everything made in China now? I know I can't believe that I just typed that either. I know the answer.

The latest scandal of traces of melamine in baby formula and food was so recent that I want to take these bowls back, in protest. I can't believe I didn't look closer at the details. URGHHHH.

Death, underdogs and dressing up

2008-10-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

Death -

Regina's mom passed, quietly and peacefully with her familia by her side, Monday evening. The funeral mass is next Thursday and watching a close friend mourn the loss of her mother is painful and beyond words. Please keep my dear friend in your thoughts and prayers now.

Tonight, D and I went to dinner at our local Irish pub and raised a pint of Guinness in honor of Irene (Regina's mom). We talked about how different cultures celebrate life and honor death. Earlier in the day, I was sharing the news with a mutual friend Chuck who is Jewish and spoke about the similarities of Irene's passing and sitting shiva. I shared with Duane some memories of Irene, we spoke about Waking Ned Devine and how the Irish deal with death. Then a song by Lorena McKennet came on and I nearly lost it.

I continue to text, email and phone Regina to remind her that I am here if/when she needs me. The school she teaches at (where BG attended summer school, thanks in part to her tia Regina) will hold the First Friday mass in Irene's honor and I will attend with Regina.

Underdogs -

When D told me that the Milwaukee brewers have a chance of making it to the play offs (is that what they are called?) and have not been since 1908 - we decided it was imperative for us to suddenly become brewers fans - unless of course, they play our beloved Angels. Please don't make me say the whole name ( Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, yeah - don't get me started on how stupid that sounds).

Dressing up -

Though I am not speaking to my dad (long story/family shit -we are however, emailing) I am hoping he is still planning his Halloween party because D and I have the perfect costume. We are huge fans of the movie Anchorman - He will go as Ron Burgundy (how easy is that, thrift store shopping here I come) and I will go as Veronica Corningstone. Though I do not have the blond hair - I am going because of one of the names they call her in the movie has been a nickname of mine (only in Duane's family, thanks to his cousin Chris) - it's a bit crass, however the first one that correctly identifies the nickname will get a prize mailed to them.

Wanna hint - My last name and my bra size is a 34/36 DD.

Ok - Stay classy San Diego and nighty-night.

Music

2008-09-29T11:38:00.000-07:00

After watching "Across the Universe" on Friday I realized I had some unused credits at the I-tunes store (this never happens, btw -it was a freak thing) and decided to purchase the soundtrak. I give it two gi-gantor thumbs up and have been listening to it, nonstop.

I have also been listening to alot of Bob Marley, probably because I am totally jones-ing for a visit to my yoga place and haven't quite made it there yet, probably Friday.

The ever so talented, lovely and inspiring Kate sent me a mixed CD to inspire me while I run. Unfortunately, the CD has taken up residence in my car because I cannot stop listening to it and have cranked up every tune over and over again. The mix is as eclectic and diverse as my personal tastes, I think her taste in music is AWESOME. Fave song on the whole CD is Outkast singing "The Way You Move".

What is your all time favorite song?

This weekend....

2008-09-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

Downtown San Diego, House of Blues and red trolley

It was a full weekend with a ton of pictures to prove it.

I started Friday morning by waking up at the crack ass of dawn and drove to Indio (for work), located approximately an hour and a half away. Indio is past Palm Springs and right to the center of the surface of the sun, it was 90 degrees when I arrived. I left the house at 6:30 AM, got to work at 7:00 and printed out map quest directions, grabbed my calculator and hit Starbucks. Shortly after 7:45 I finally made it to the free highway and was exiting Monroe street in Indio at 8:45. Met with a retiree at 9:00 AM, chatted with our AIG rep and waited very patiently for 45 minutes while we had absolutely no attendees for a meeting. Nice. Back into the office around noon-ish and worked till 5:00.

I came home to spend time with D, we decided to start watching Across the Universe, one of the best movies EVER. Does anyone else cry like a baby when the little boy is singing "Let it Be" and the choir joins in..... Tears in my eyes as I type this. I finally got off the couch and headed over to our friend Panda's house, yes- I have a friend name Panda. We were having a girl's weekend that was to start at her house and then move to San Diego on Saturday night. Friday night was full of eating, drinking and laughing.

Saturday found Regina and I headed to San Diego to meet Panda and other college friends for continued eating, drinking and laughing. Without airing all our dirty laundry - we all have healthy amounts of shit occurring in our lives and it was a much welcomed escape from the reality of our lives.

Regina and I arrived at the hotel in downtown San Diego and waited for Panda and company to finish shopping in the bar. To my complete and total surprise Regina had never had the taste of Bailey's on the rocks so we each had one while we waited for Panda who had the hotel key.

Fleur de Lis decorative grade on window of hotel

Our view from the bar, at the hotel

Check out the cool clock, I LOVE big cities

Yes, we are silly and this was before we left the room for the evening.

A brief history of our friendship - I met Regina and Panda in September of 1990 at Riverside Community College. We were all members of the S.E.A. club - Sea and Environmental awareness club and happened to be close friends of the my very first serious boyfriend. As the saying goes, boys will come and go but those sister friends we find - follow us through life. He broke my heart and I got his two closest friends, I would do it all over again - in a heartbeat. I cannot begin to describe how lucky I am to have such rich friendships filled with love and laughter. These two have been amazing friends.

Panda and friends at a fun sushi restaurant

The evening was long, Regina and I called it a night at 11:30 PM while the other stayed out much later. Due to Regina's mom being in hospice, we hit the road early and drove by one of our old standbys. Years ago, we came across this resturaunt located on the corner of 2nd and Island streets in downtown San Diego. It is called Cafe 222 and the menu has yummy items on it along with witty phrases like No smoking, no choking and no crybabies. I love this place

Can you see the blue Vespa, outside Cafe 222?

It belonged to a really cute preppy couple in their 50's

Regina was reminiscing about times where she took both her mom and dad to Cafe 222 and what they ordered. We talked about details no one hopes to with a friend - funeral arrangements of a parent, what she might wear and writing a thank you to the many people who have helped her mom, in countless ways, to make her life just that much more comfortable and better in her final months, weeks and days.

And after breakfast, we left San Diego to deal with life - please keep Regina and her family in your thoughts this week.

The pink elephant in my office

2008-09-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

I can't recall if I've ever spoke about my co-worker (works on the same floor, same department and about 6 cubicle rows over from me) that found out she was pregnant the same time I did. She went on to have her baby and now we awkwardly interface at work as we travel the different paths through life right now. Her cubicle is plastered with his cherub like face and rightfully so. Why does it feel like a million little dagger through my heart when I see his photo. Just too much reality -I constantly compare him to "our little one". Too much reality.s

Part of my job is to assist people at our front counter and answer any retirement questions they may have. Today, as I was assisting a retiree - I needed to make a copy of a retirement application and of course the closest copy machine is right next to her desk. She was reveling in one of the many wonderful things her beautiful child is now doing with a group of ladies and as I walked by they grew completely silent. Do they not realize that I could hear there conversation from a mile away and totally know they stopped the conversation on my behalf? That was rhetorical folks, no need to answer. Honestly, I would have been equally sad and pissed if they would have kept on talking like it was no big deal. They are in a tough place - the place called "You can't win with Kara". It's a new game in my life that many people are playing, my father included.

Questions I ponder -

Why hasn't our agency phoned us? I realize I could pick up the phone and call them but they have been so good about contacting us in the past? What the hell?

Is there a time I won't feel bitter about people who went on to have kids as I did not? I feel less bitter around people like my IRL BFF, sister in law and other close friends because they have reminded me that I am an important person in their children's lives.

Will we be ok and live a happy life if we choose to live child- free.

Do I want to switch medical plans and try a different doctor (Christ - I can't even believe I am saying that, BTW)

And then there is this....they say it happens in three's.

My good friend Regina, who should be nominated for best daughter ever, has recently called hospice for her mom. Regina is amazing, even more incredible are her daughter and and niece who are there by their Mema's bedside 24/7. My heart is literally breaking for them, as I type this. They are fortunate enough to have one of the coolest hospice nurses EVER who encouraged us to talk loudly to Irene (Mema) and reminded us about the power of the human touch. My mom gave her a kiss, I wept and Regina is still strong as a rock and one of my heroes.

My mom's cousin Carole and her husband Ken are trying to make their doggie Gracie as comfortable as possible as she is in the final stages of cancer. They are working to keep her in as little pain as possible.

Sad, totally sad about Paul Newman. He is my Gram's fave actor and I think he has been wicked hot the majority of his life. Sparkling blue eyes, charming personality and an activist.

I'll be back to my upbeat, normal self soon...

Enraged

2008-09-25T07:31:00.000-07:00

Due to horrific economic conditions combined with living in a less than stellar area of our fine city... someone stole our recycling from the side of our house. We had housed our recycling in our garage up until yesterday afternoon when D moved it to the side of our house (thinking it would be safe in our backyard - crazy, huh?). More than likely, they did this while we were asleep last night. CREEPY.

The really bad part which is the thing that makes me angry, sad and outraged - is that we have been saving our recycling for my cousin's daughter who will travel to China next April with her High School Drill team. Meg will spend her 16th birthday in China and we can fund a portion of trip and expenses by turning in recycling.

D is home right now, locking down our house - like a mad person.

stuff

2008-09-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

The new job is keeping me quite busy and seems to have lit the fire under my ass that has been missing. I am actually quite excited as I will have several writing/marketing pieces or projects to be responsible for. Nothing too exciting - amending our CalPERS defined retirement benefit contracts (woo-hoo), communication pieces sent to employees with their paychecks (Does anyone seriously read these) and most interesting is putting together a educational program for our younger employees to inform them of our amazing retirement plan.

October 6th - I move into a bigger cubicle, I hate - really hate cube life. It bites. I also find out if I pass the CSET or not that day.

The promotion has been a bit of a roller coaster ride, I will admit that I *repeatedly* told D I was going to quit if I wasn't given the promotion because I was simply over it. Long story short - I was over-looked for this same position a year ago, once I obtained my degree and I was not going to sit by and watch them replay the scene. No.Thank.You.

So I went through the process and jumped through the hoops...

Hoop 1. Interview with Direct Manager - Aced it.

Hoop 2. Interview with Department Manager - It was bizarre, he is bizarre - anyway, I did OK and got bumped up to the final round

Hoop 3. Interview with Deputy Director of HR. - We have a good relationship, we spoke and the conversation ended with "Congratulations".

I came back to the department to let my direct manager know and then she announced it today, so the last 24 hours have been filled with me wanting to jump out of my own skin and scream.

Imagine how happy I was to see the formal announcement today. I think hoops one through three took about two weeks though the position has been open and I have been doing the work since July. Um, ok?

Things that make me sad -

Realizing that we stopped our Infertility treatments one year ago this month (Thank you Kaiser for sending me that handy little invoice for $15.00 yet they felt it pertinent to show how much we have spent since August, 2006 on Infertility -fuckers)

Seeing the book - "Biscuit" in the grocery store yesterday, totally reminded me Big Girl which led to consequent thoughts of how she is doing in school.

My dad, he managed to make me really, really sad today -it's a really long story.

Things that make me happy -

My promotion was announced today and it's official!

I will be back in San Diego this weekend to party with girlfriends - YAY.

The surface of the sun is cooling down and it is bearable to live here.

Peace-out.

Got it!

2008-09-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

I got the promotion - YAY!!!

I'll give more detail later.

It's fall!

2008-09-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

Or rather - It's Fall? Hmmmm. Somehow, fall or our version of it here in Southern California is here. Since we don't have the weather to cue us in, we rely on indicators such as Halloween candy appearing in the grocery store, a gentle breeze that upgrades itself into the Santa Ana's and then there is the sun disappearing quicker than I would like, in the evening.

Last week, I noticed a chill in the air as I left for work at 7:00 AM and knew that Fall was eminent but this evening it hit me smack in the face. We returned home from San Diego, after taking a quick nap on the couch I ran to the market and I didn't give the setting sun much thought until I came out of the store to find it completely dark - like middle of the night dark, What the hell? I guess we fall back on November 4th and while I love an extra hour in my day (Ok - really, I'll take two) having less sunlight makes me a little sad.

I think I have a wee bit of the Sunday night blues.

So, we had a really nice weekend. I would love to show you all beautiful pictures, however, I left my camera charger (instead of my heart) in San Francisco and will be waiting for a fed-ex to appear - ANY.DAY.NOW with my charger in it. Yes, I discovered the missing charger on Friday morning as we were unpacking the remaining items from our luggage we took to SF and packing in items we would need for SD.

We left the house last Friday -sometime around noon-ish and headed to Carlsbad where we ate at The Coyote Grill where we had Rattlesnake eggs - Jalapenos stuffed with cheese and shrimp then wrapped in bacon - YUM. I am pretty sure dirt would taste half way decent if it was wrapped in bacon. How I love the pig..... mmmmm bacon (using Homer Simpson's voice). D and I also shared an order of steak nachos and though I totally wanted a margarita I knew I wanted to run even more so I opted for a mineral water. I know - so exciting, the life I lead. At some point in our conversation, we started talking about blogging and D had me convinced that I give way too much of our personal info over the Internets and that we should expect to arrive home on Sunday to find all of our personal belongings stolen due to my blogging about every detail of our life. Fortunately, his fatalistic - doomsday-ness had left once we pulled up to Paradise Point. Can I get a shout out for those who want to bop their DH's on the head when they start ragging on the whole blogging thing. Hello - Ever heard of Dooce? She is my hero, btw.

We ran into family 5 minutes after our arrival and D was happy to chill with them while I went for a run. Mission Bay is a very sports and family friendly area of SD - it is also where Sea world is located and where the Thunder boat racing - the water equivalent to Nascar - took place this weekend in the raw sewage filled bay. I know, I know you are all jealous. The highlight and focus on this weekend though was Grandma's 80th and yes, we partied like it was 1999. It was a blast - alot of fun, great food and yummy wine. So, back to my run. I found this little park situated right next to the resort property and thought it would be safe - in my peripheral vision I could see what looked like a group of AT& T wireless people - highly swagged out, I mean the tent, the polo shirts, the volleyball - they were probably spelling out AT&T with hot dogs - who knows. Anyway, I felt safe - until on the third loop and approximately 12 minutes into running ( this is my current record, BTW) I noticed a man exiting the public restroom. OK, not a big deal but each time after I looped around ( I was walking at this point) I noticed another man would appear - from the restroom I would presume. So, I decided after the third walking loop and 6th total loop I would switch to an area where I could see other people in the distance, I believed to be overflow from the Thunder boat racing. Not so much and here in lies my problem with running or really just doing any kind of exercising in public. People and dogs both - scare the living shit out of me and I just can't figure out if the young kid walking toward me is going to try to mug me or say hi to me. AAAACK - it's really too much for my brain sometimes. I am such a worry wart.

Ok - back to the great weekend. Friday night, D and I went to Little Italy and picked up super yummy pizza's from Fillipi's. If you love pizza as much as I do and will be in San Diego in the near future - this place is a must.

The other highlights of the weekend were playing tennis the following morning with my cousin Cassidy and her friend Rachel wherein she attempted to catch the very first tennis ball I hit, with her eye socket. This was after a 10 minute warm up that included running around the court, jumping jacks and a lecture on communicating between team members because "TRIPS TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM WERE SIMPLY NOT ON THE AGENDA". Yeah, so they weren't really listening, well Cassidy was - Rachel, not so much. She is doing well, no medical attention required, I even offered ice immediately and then asked her to sit down for a few minutes. Five minutes later, she was ready jump back into the game.

Grandma did great, she was happy to see us pick her up at noon on Saturday and then we got the party started with lots of food and fun where 8 of her 10 kids were able to make it. Very cool. Nothing out of the ordinary to report, constant movement and I am quite tired of wearing my flip flops. I bought her a little tiara that she seemed happily annoyed with and we decorated our little area with Sponge bob party accessories and Happy Birthday signs.

Today, we woke up and celebrated my newphew's 5th birthday. Last night, before he went to bed we had a cute moment where I told him a the story of the night he was born and where his Auntie Kara and Uncle Duane were at a concert and we got a call on our cell phone that there was a little boy who wanted to meet us and his name was Cole! So, we jumped in our cars and we ran into the hospital and we got to kiss this sweet little baby. Oh - you know, I think he kinda got what we were saying and he wanted to know who we were watching in concert. My brother was quick to chime in (very sarcastically, I might add), it was Duran Duran - Ryan got a little over-exposed throughout his youth. My Uncle Joe spoke up and said - and I remember the night Auntie Kara was born. Ok, Seriously - it took everything in me to not tear up. It was really sweet how he and my Aunt remember details of that night. It was really, really cool and comforting. My Dad, Mom, Aunt Paula and Uncle Joe were a pretty tight group so hearing him reminisce about my mom was really comforting. She was such a huge part of this family for so long so when people ask me how she is doing or what she is up to, it really makes me happy. Though my parents have been divorced for over 7 years and we love my Dad's fiancee, this was one of the few get-togethers that we had where my mom's presence was severely missed. Divorce's suck.

We took Grandma home around noon today, then ran back to Little Italy where we did a little wine tasting at a cute store and then had lunch at Zia's. Half way through lunch we heard someone praying the rosary over a microphone and then noticed a procession of people following the priest saying the Hail Mary. If I was a good Catholic, I would be able to tell you what the significance of today is but I am not - so I can't and won't even begin to guess. It was cool though and totally made me think of my Grandma along with my friend Regina's Mom who is in failing health. It was one of those things you would expect to see in a little Italian village, a very European experience - very cool.

Ok, that is my weekend in a nutshell. Here is wishing everyone a kick-ass week and let's hope it fly's right by so we can get to next weekend.

Happy Birthday Grandma!

2008-09-18T16:48:00.002-07:00

I was the first grandchild on my dad's side, for 7 years, until my stinky brother came along. For seven years, I had the attention of a woman who LIVES for children. She came to California from Duluth, Minnesota where her parents who were french Canadian relocated from for warmer weather. I can't imagine how Minnesota was warmer than Canada - but this is how I know the story. San Diego was the last resort for her brother's failing health and her father was a carpenter by trade - a skill passed down to my dad, the man who can build ANYTHING.

Grandma, Kara and a beautiful red-haired doll on a cake

Walking in my Grandma's house brings back such comforting memories of childhood. The smell of bacon cooking, fresh strawberries and memories of her running out to our car as we were pulling away from the curb with a bag of snacks because - God forbid we get hungry on the 1-1/2 hour ride home, all memories that fill my heart and soul. She makes these amazing peanut butter balls dipped in chocolate that will make you weak in the knees. Knowing my love for cooking and collecting cookbooks, she organized and collected recipes from all family members and then added her very own special recipes. It was a beautiful way to document our family recipes.

Grandma and Kara - March 10, 2001

Grandma has had a myriad of health problems and we all amazed and thankful that she is still with us. Though our conversations are not as frequent as they once were, her voice cracks with emotion when I say hello and when we see each other I realize that there could be no better person to have 10 children by birth, raise a grandchild, have 3 great-grandchildren and commit yourself to raising your youngest daughter's children.

I can remember, years ago, long before I met D I was dating a dude in San Diego and I would often have time to spend - one on one with my Grandma. We would go to a movie or out to dinner - just the two of us. It was really cool. She would reminisce about stories involving my dad and the other 3 oldest boys, my dad is #2 of 10 and she would be laughing so hard we would both have tears streaming down our faces.

Yes, she gave birth to ten children - all healthy and her grand-daughter is an infertile - hmph. It is not a subject we discuss, I would love to say it is too painful for her to discuss - I just don't know what the truth of the matter is.

I will try to capture some video of our weekend in San Diego where we will celebrate her 80th birthday!

Review

2008-09-18T16:48:00.001-07:00

Ovarian transplant was on the table at the Today show, which is good. There are people who are stricken with life threatening disease such as cancer and if/when it occurs at a young age they have to have their ovaries removed. Modern science has now made it possible for people to have them transplanted back and voila - conceive. Just like that, you know. One of the ladies who went through this conceived, went in and out of Menopause ( I had no idea you could go in and out of it) and is now pregnant again.

While these are interesting stories, I don't feel like they have captured the essence of the Infertiles. The people show cased were all out into an "infertile" situation consequence of a life-threatening disease - apples and oranges. My God - they survived a horrible disease, they should be able to have kids and as many as their heart desire. Perhaps they should have hired an Infertile to consult on this particular segment.

I just don't feel like The Today show has a pulse or rather a clue on Unexplained Infertility and so far have featured people who have successfully conceived. Which makes sense, people in emotional pain, wanting to become a parent and not being able to - probably not going to get them much viewership. I am happy for the people who were helped by the information today yet quite sad for all of us out there childless.

OK - I'm pretty sure I won't be watching tomorrow morning as I will be packing for SD - because tonight I am way too busy bloggin.

Bright side

2008-09-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

On the bright side of things:

D and I leave for San Diego tomorrow, Mission Bay to be precise, for my Grandma's 80th birthday. We were really looking forward to it until we learned today there has been a RAW SEWAGE SPILL in Mission Bay and so it might be just a little stinky and cuts us off from hanging out in the water. Fortunately, they have other things to do at this resort like play tennis, hang by the pool and reek havoc on the rest of the property. Yes, this is the side of the family that nearly was thrown out of the Executive Inn in Oakland. One last summer get-away, it will be great to get together with family again - 4th time in 3 months and it doesn't get any better than this. My dad has 9 other siblings so getting everyone together is a challenge, to say the least.

I hope I am not looking too much into this statement however I was asked what my calender looks like, by my supervisor - in case I need to meet with the head of HR. She indicated, previously in the week, the chosen candidate will need to interview with the powers that be.

So... on that note a quick shout out to the universe, God or whoever is in charge - here is my request.

OK - Look, I don't ask for much, OK - maybe a little, but really, could you just throw me a freaking bone. Realizing that I want to be a teacher and though this does not fall into my career change goals - it would be fantastic if I could get this promotion pretty, pretty please with cherries, whipped cream, nuts and caramel syrup.

Review

2008-09-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

I watched the latest installment from The Today show "Reconsidering Infertility" last night and it was quite interesting. They focused on male factor infertility issues and while I would love to re-cap details of the first individual in focus I am unable to do so because D woke up and out of nowhere wanted to recap the details of our first meeting with the RE and testing at Kaiser. Oh, how I love to walk down that memory lane - NOT.

The second person in focus was an interesting case. Example #2 actually worked on the Today show as a camera man and wife works as a teleprompter person there as well. #2, at a young age, was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and treated successfully. He was young and his mom told him that he had to bank his sperm ( Way to go Mom - she was on it!) as they would not survive the effects of chemo. With a new procedure that is currently in place they were able to "revitalize" the sperm and make non viable sperm turn into viable sperm. They did 4 IVF cycles and spent 40K. I hated how Matt Lauer spoke like this couple were the only ones on the planet who have ever done this. They now have their miracle baby.

Somehow, hearing about how he survived cancer and for years thought his sperm would not be viable but now they are - it actually made me a little depressed. We don't have cancer (Thank God), we don't have this unusual story - we just want a kid.

Fertile Soil

2008-09-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

After having dinner with D's parents last night, D and I crashed and he was sound asleep as I was laying there determining if I wanted to read or go through the DVR. I remembered that I recorded the Today show so I could watch their special piece about "Reconsidering Infertility". Let's face it, the Today show is like the TV version of People magazine complete with Matt Lauer eye candy, I kept my expections low - and with good reason.

The feature yesterday focused on the combination of Western and Eastern medicine coming together to combat such things as stress, negativity and loss that goes in conjunction with infertility. Not necessarily groundbreaking. The subject of the piece was Dr. Radine Lewis who they should have been focusing on during the piece instead of the woman who had secondary infertility which granted, is horrible and terrible and bad - however it is not the same as "Experiencing Infertility."

I had completely dismissed Dr. Lewis as the camera crew focused on her program participants doing yoga, getting massages, etc. It looked like a day spa, whatever. Then I read her story on her web site this morning and it hit a nerve. I wasn't diagnosed with PCOS, endo nor are we experiencing low sperm count, I have what is called Unexplained Infertility and it's a bitch of a diagnosis. It is the same thing Dr. Lewis was diagnosed with and she had been on chlomid. Suddenly, she was back in my good graces though there is still one foot on dock - at this point. I plan to do further research to find out if this is a valid treatment or just snake oil.

While I completely believe that yoga, acupuncture and positive self - visualization are all positive attributes to clean, healthy, hippie living. I am not convinced these items combined will find me pregnant.

Dr. Lewis' program is called fertile soul, should you want to check it out. Meredith Viera called it fertile soil - twice, what a ditz.

It's the economy, stupid.

2008-09-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

It's been so completely relaxing here at work, in the retirement department, where on a "normal" day we have mobs of people inquiring about 2009 retiree benefit rates that are going to our board for approval and expecting, at minimum, to double if not triple and have not been announced. Essentially, the mobs are teetering on whether or not to retire, it involves fun stuff like GASB45, rate subsidy's and pensions. This keeps us quite busy -or did until yesterday when the stock market plummeted to the lowest since 9/11 and oh - P.S. one of our vendors for our 457(a) and 401 (a) accounts happens to be AIG.... Adding fuel to the fire - upper management has not issued a formal statement and the phones are ready to blow up.

What absolutely sucks - besides Sarah Palin, global warming and China putting lead in toys and melamine in infant food that is being shipped to the US - is that our economy has gone to shit and historically takes a dive right before every Presidential election.

On the upside of things, I hear that oil has dropped $4.00 a barrel - like we are going to see a price break at the gas pumps.

Sometimes, I really hate money.

EDIT**** - Gas did not drop $4.00 a galllon, as I originally stated - more like a barrel.

Paths cross

2008-09-15T07:24:00.000-07:00

So, we met a couple in our Foster -parent training workshop a while back and they were placed with this sweet little guy we will call "S". The Foster mom and I send emails back and forth and late last night I was checking email and one appeared from her. In my mind, I had told her about the girls being reunified; however, I can't remember for sure. She asked how everything was going and I gave her the skinny - except, I didn't mention Ruby - which I normally do and have been doing quite a bit lately.

Ruby has really been on my mind, lately. Not so much questioning myself of saying did we do the right thing but just wondering if she had been placed with another family and away from the evil foster mom.

We are chatting back and forth on email and she mentions that they have been placed with a little girl - guess what her name is. It's RUBY, she gave her age and brief history - it was her! Seriously, how weird is this. It's not really all that strange but I thought it to be quite cool that the one couple we keep in touch with from our agency that actually is with a different agency location ( we are in Riverside and they are in Orange County/Anaheim Hills) are Ruby's new Mommy and Daddy.

I have to say, since I met Ruby I have been sending good positive vibes out there for her and have pretty much begged the big guy upstairs to please just please give this little girl who has had such turmoil and strife in her few young years of life, a loving home with some awesome parents. I' am so excited for Ruby, this is beyond cool.

YEAH - what a good way to start the day/week.

Nailed it.

2008-09-14T14:54:00.001-07:00

This is great - I Love it.

Today show

2008-09-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

The today show has a series this week called "Reconsidering Infertility". I am sorry, I must be completely out of the loop - when was it ever considered? Have there been recent discoveries, advancements that I have not been made aware of? I'll be recording/watching it and hope to post later this week.

This should be interesting.

Vacation post is up

2008-09-14T12:02:00.001-07:00

It is below the CSET post because I started the final stages of posting that night.

Just a warning - it's a novella.

CSET

2008-09-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

First - I swear, the vacation post is almost done - I'm still loading pictures and trying to load a video.

Second, the CSET was this morning. I registered and took the test today for one of the three subsets, Subtest III- Human Development, Art and Physical Education. There were 39 questions; 36 multi-choice and three essay. I was totally day-dreaming around question 10 - then decided to wake up and plugged through the remainder of the test.

Somewhere around question 25 I decided to see how many questions were left and went into a near panic/anxiety attack when I noticed there were a total of 39 questions. Who the hell puts 39 questions on a standardized test, I swear I do not remember this from the first time however the nice test proctor lady assured me this was Ok. I will be placing a phone call on Monday to the Testing registrar- just to double check.

Standardized tests suck, the reality is that it is a necessary evil. Honestly, I feel like I have been studying for Jeopardy. The content is completely random and alot of it will be useless to me as a teacher though one never knows when you will need to know exactly how many players are on a team for Volleyball. I did, however, KICK ASS on the essay portion so.....who knows. I walked away feeling completely comfortable - reminiscent of the very first CBEST exam of which I failed miserably.

Really, who knows?

Vacation - Part Two

2008-09-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

OK, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, we arrived in Oakland around 12:30 PM.

Upon entering the hotel, we ran into my Uncle John who mentioned he had a headache and then casually mentioned the near-eviction of the McGee Clan the night before. Oh, that is my wonderful, fun, Irish family.

We dropped our luggage in the room and then went to Jack London square to have lunch at Scotts, with my Dad. Oh, the seafood in the bay area is beyond words amazing - actually all of the food is amazing in the bay area. Freshest veggies, cheese, bread and seafood, I could totally live in San Francisco or its environs. Speaking of food, I had read over at SFgirlbybay about Slow Food Nation happening and so wanted to attend, it just wasn't in the cards.

So, after lunch we headed back to the hotel, got all dolled up for the wedding and did this crazy four car convoy/caravan. Somehow I ended up in the back of the line and had a chance to bust out some nice Indy 500 race car like moves through the freeway from Oakland to Berkley where the wedding was held. I don't remember the number of the freeway though I can guarantee that it ended in an 80, all of the freeways end in 80, 580, 680, 480 - Oh, they like the number 80 up there. Now, being the birthplace and the home of many still hippies I would have totally thought there would be a 420 freeway.

Dad, Duane and a really cool statue in Jack London Square

I cannot begin to describe the beauty of the wedding, the backdrop was this scene straight out of Lake Tahoe with big, beautiful trees tucked neatly into a pristine hillside that offered the most amazing view of the city. There was so much love in the room at Brenna and Sam's wedding. My cousin Brenna looked like a princess, her sister and woman of honor, my cousin Erin looked beautiful as well. Their parents, my Aunt and Uncle - always calm, cool and collected kept their hipness quotient. The food was great, it was fun to hang out with family and my Aunt Patty and I persuaded my Aunt Bridget to sing "Me and Bobby McGee", replacing Bobby with Brenna. this has recently become a family tradition which started at my Aunt Patty's birthday last month.

The women in this McGee family go crazy over our last name. I love D - however one of my only regrets in life is that I didn't keep my last name. I LOVE my last name and have a husband that is quite the modern man - except when it came to me taking his name. He was adamant about me becoming a Brickel and within weeks from our wedding I conceded, it was painful. Kara McGee, oh - the sound brings a tear to my eye. Some of my friends and an Aunt on my mom's side have decided to combine the two and frequently call me Kara McBrickel. I might have to use it when I teach. Mrs. McBrickel? Hmmm.

Father of the Bride aka Uncle Joe and my dad

We made it back to the hotel and started with the next phase of partying. Everyone brought some snacks and beverages, gathering in a conference room - I brought my I-pod and portable player. The hotel management was tired of us running around the hotel and "recommended" we rent a conference room. Yes, our family is that big - we need a conference room for the McGee's to gather. We were excited to see Sam's family join us and had a great time getting to know everyone and reacquainted with other's we had not seen in years.

Brenna and Sam - one of the prettiest and love filled weddings ever.

Red carpet Ready and looking like they are on their way to the Oscar's and then the Vanity Fair party - Uncle Joe and Aunt Paula- Parents of the Bride

We woke the next morning, chilled with family members and then hit the road to Napa. Oh, Napa - what an amazing place. I love the scenery, the vineyards and of course the wine but my favorite thing is the fact that it is situated so close to San Francisco. I love that you can be in two extreme settings within an hour's time. Our first stop was Yountville, when we return we will be staying/eating/drinking in this cute little village that is a combination of a European village with cute little shops, coiffed topiary's and loads of great restaurants.

The bakery case at Bouchon Bakery

The outside of Bouchon Bakery

We ate lunch at Napa Style where I lunched on a caprese sandwhich on artisan bread, I don't recall what my dad and D ordered - I was in my own little food world. We walked around the town coming across one of my favorite chef's Thomas Keller's restaurant's French Laundry and Bouchon

The side view of the front of French Laundry

Maybe if I had these little garden plaques, I would be more motivated in my little garden?

The herb and vegetable garden for French laundry is located directly across from the restaurant and surprisingly is left unguarded.

Hours into our journey to Napa, I have decided that it is very much the adult version of Disneyland. Our next stop - OPUS.

OPUS grapes

The very modern Opus winery/tasting room

Next stop - the Opus winery where we had an appointment? Seriously, an appointment on vacation Dad HUH? We entered the long driveway at the Opus winery, walked in and had a conversation with the front desk that went a little something like this?

Older, snobby, hippie chick - (head tilted forward, looking over the top of her glasses) Yes, may I help you?

Dad- Hello, the McGee/Brickel party is here to check in, we have a 1:30 appointment.

Older, snobby, hippie chick - Hmmm, one moment. (Suddenly, we are all sweating - my dad looks over at me and I can read his mind - he is telepathically asking me if he really made the reservation or maybe he just thought he did). Ahh, yes - we have you. If you would like to retire to our seating area and rest we would be most happy.

I would not have been surprised if they had offered complimentary Swedish massages next. It was just that decadent. Oh, how I love decadence.

At this point, I'm thinking wow, this is like the Nordstrom of wineries - unbelievable. The seating area was filled with art and rare pieces decorated around the room. Beautiful, really beautiful. I will post photos of the pieces in the room over at Pots on Stove - sometime soon. Others file into the room and then our tour guide appears. We are given the historical count and timeline of Robert Mondavi's wine career and how he and the Baron de Rotheschild came about this joint venture.

The tour guide, whose name escapes me - oh hell, let's call him Bill. Is in his 40's and fellow oenophile starts the tour by explaining the dramatic architecture that represents both countries involved - the limestone, representing France and California Oak are set against a backdrop of clean, modern lines. I mentioned to the tour guide the resemblance to the Getty center and the tour guide mentions both buildings were designed by the same architect. The tour was educational, fun and memorable. It's like they coddle every grape before it goes to press? It is no wonder that one bottle costs $180 bucks.

Onward we travel to the Mondavi winery, where my dad is a wine club member and we get to go to a wine club members only room filled with all the free wine and cheese we can consume. Next stop, Dean and Deluca which was a complete and total religious experience. If I won lotto tomorrow I would open a version of Dean and Deluca in my little city - among doing other things that have more social value. Anyway, it was unreal. Food, food and more food - really good looking food. Ahhhhhh - food.

Next, we drove through an area where trees lined both sides of the street and passed the CIA - Culinary Institute of America. We speed through St. Helena and arrive in the quaint town of Calistoga (you know, where they produce Calistoga mineral water). We check in to our B & B, where our hosts Nick and Gillian greet us, change into different clothes and head to dinner. We had caught our second wind and walked through the town - twice. It's very small, filled with restaurants tucked in between historic homes and stores luring tourists with their items for sale. A constant buzzing in the background haunts the air, our hosts later inform us that we have been listening to the sprint cars racing at the local track.

BEAUTIFUL

My dad is totally Clark Griswald of the Vacation movies, no really - he is. He will drive 500 miles to go see the biggest freaking ball of twine and make sure we are all super excited about it. This is how I can equate our experience of visiting Calistoga. There was really not much there and yet my Dad's enthusiasm was hilarious enough to be entertaining. I really just need to be thankful he didn't drag us to one of his favorite clothing optional hippie escapes in the area.

Before we headed South - we had to visit the Calistoga bottling company where they have this cool metal fixture.

We wake up the next morning, eat a yummy breakfast and blast through making two quick stops - Oakville Grocery store and once again Yountville. We arrive in Napa, drop my dad off at Enterprise rent-a-car in Napa. He stayed through Tuesday to meet with business clients

A smaller, toned down version of Dean and Deluca

This picture gives me goosebumps. Oh bread, how I love thee.

I have to say at this point, it was nice to be heading South. After driving North for so long, feeling millions, instead of hundreds, of miles away from home - I was starting to miss my pups, bed and regular Internet access.

We still had one more stop planned before we would arrive in SF, to meet our friends Dave and Cari in Novato. We had a really nice time having lunch while being entertained by their three precious boys and trying to catch up on both of our worlds. The inevitable happened, they asked about the girls and while it was difficult to recount the details there is a sense of kindness and genuine caring expressed between these two people that remind me just how lucky we are to have such great friends. Inquisitive but extremely supportive of our goal to become parents and adding encouragement. D and I are lucky to both have really great friendships we have maintained from high school and Dave and Cari fall into this category. We will see their family again in November when we gather to support Dave and his family for a 5k run/walk in San Diego, as they continue to raise awareness and money for breast cancer research, in honor of his sister - Linda.

Dave and Cari have some doggie drama and are need of getting their pooch - Barley to Dave's mom's house in Riverside. Barley was a super sweet Shepard mix, medium sized dog who was having some personality issues. Dave felt Barley might do better as a companion to his mom and we were unsure of how his mother was going to react to seeing Barley. We meet Barley and make arrangements for Dave to drop off Barley the following morning at our hotel - right before we leave.

After lunch we hop in the car and minutes later we are driving on this...

Yes, amazing - people walking, roller blading, running, riding bikes and cars driving all on this huge, red bridge. It's quite breathtaking. D got pretty cranky driving around looking for our hotel and I was not helping at all - snappping pix, oohing and aahhhing over all the tall buildings. Once we got to the hotel, we decided to park the car and take the cable car/bus thingy to the wharf for dinner and experience a city that has perfected public transportation.

We walked across the street, first, to the hotel's sister property and had a drink. Both properties were owned by Best Western and reminded me of The Standard, it was quite nice. We headed to the wharf and had dinner at Scoma's, then listened to Little Wolf and the Hellcats - a very cool local blues band at the Blue's at Lou's.

The Federal building in San Francisco

The Americana hotel located in the SOMA district

Lobby of Americana Hotel

I love my new camera....

I tried to download this as my new Blogger ID and it didnt work so well, made me look a little strange.

We came back to the hotel, exhausted - collapsed into bed and were ready to head back. Initially, D and I took the entire week off and spend 2 nights in San Francisco and then another night in Paso however our work and my school schedules were not accomadating. It all worked out though, if we had followed that time schedule we would not have had the honor and priveledfe of meeting Mr. Barley. We are such suckers for dogs, that 1/2 hour into the trip we decided that if Dave's mom was not doing cartwheels and hosting a marching band for this dog's arrival, we would keep him. Why yes, the word sucker is tattoed on our foreheads. Barley was the worlds best dog and loved our frequent stops along the 101. We enjoyed stoppingas it brought back good memories of when we would travel with our pooch, before his sister came along.

Love this picture, buildings - tall beautiful buildings and a bit of the cable line that helps control the cars and buses used for public transportation.

Tuesday morning we hopped on the 101 South to begin our journey home.

We had lunch in Paso Robles, any chance to see our old city again, at the Odyssey cafe where they have a nice outdoor seating area that is puppy friendly. We made good time and were crusing along pleasently until we hit Santa Clarita around 4:00 PM (close to Magic Mountain) and I decided to have a mini-meltdown crying fit because D was on my very last freaking nerve. I don't want to re-hash the details of the fight but let's chalk it up to too many hours together in the car. 5 minutes later, D aplogized and everything was back to normal. Two hours later we were dropping off Barley (Dave's mom was excited and thrilled to see Mr. Barley).

It was nice to be home, however - there is something magical about San Francisco and all big cities really. D's favorite football team is the 49'ers so we are looking at getting tickets to a game in October to see if we can spend a long weekend up there. As much as he loathes being in a big city I think I can convert him with good food and public transportation.

While I don't know if D and I will ever parent, I do know that one day I will live in a big city. I think one of the reasons I have not completely lost every last of my ever loving marbles through this infertility journey to hell and back is that it really has put alot of different aspects of life into perspective and help me define who I truly am and what I want or rather will accomplish out of the game called life. It's really all about the things I can control. Infertility has controlled my option to become a birth parent - I refuse to give it the power over the things in my life I can control. Is this acceptance? Ummm, not quite sure if I am there yet.

I will teach. Gotta first jump through the hoops - I'am working on it.

I will eat really, really good food. So long South Beach. I have a post in the works about this, BTW.

I will always write. I will continue to blog, journal and hone the skills.

I will travel. San Diego next weekend for my Grandma's 80th birthday, possibly New Mexico in November and a trip to Brianhead, UT planned for January and then there is theVEGAS trip to plan still.

I will run -as long as the bad knee continues to let me.

I will have friendships that are meaningful.

It's on the wharf, it's a bit touristy but really captures the essence of San Francisco.

Ahhh, home sweet home.

Life...

2008-09-12T15:35:00.001-07:00

Work is really interfering with my blogging, long gone are my days of checking Google reader throughout the day and typing posts - when the thought hit my brain.

I have a great job and actually with the current economic climate I am grateful to not only have a job but a job where my skills are utilized and my team-mates are considered friends instead of co-workers. My immediate manager, is AMAZING - I am lucky that way, I've won the lotto of bosses throughout my life and have really never had any nightmare, ulcer-creating kinds to immediately report to. I have worked with my fair share of crazy people, they were usually higher up on the food chain in the company and I had moderate interaction, rarely having to directly report to the crazy pants kind.

I have made it to round two ( ding, ding - let's get ready to rumble) of interviews for a position in our department involving a nice increase in pay - seeing that I am already doing the work, I think I would be an exceptional candidate except for the fact that - I am going to school to become a teacher and they know this. In my initial interview, I stated and truly believe that I will not jump at the first teaching oppourtunity unless it is a really good fit. There are days that find me wanting to call Ed-Join and ask them if I can just volunteer or re-calculate for the 800 gazallionth time to see just how many months of the mortgage I could pay if I cashed in the mere pittance of a retirement savings that we have scraped to save the last three years ( Thankyouverymuchinfertilitytreatments). Realistically, I could be looking for a teaching job for another year or however long it takes me to pass the CSET. The truth is that - my ego will be bruised, if they choose another person and it will suckity suck suck suck because I will have to train the chosen one. URGHHHHH. I should get the position for the following reasons, I am dependable, I am a good employee with excellent work habits (blogging aside) and I have been doing the job for the last three months since our co-worker left. The main reason why I will not be completely distraught if I don't get the job is because I know I will want to do an exceptional job and this could adversely affect my schoolwork as there is only so much room inside my brain and most of it is crammed with terms like neuropschology, stanine and the elements of an IEP.

What I am scared of is this - I love to negotiate and they are considering on lowering the position to a trainee level, which starts at a salary lower than mine. I, of course, will not accept this position unless I recieve the appropriate compensation. I fear upper management will do a number of different things:

A) Offer me the job with the trainee level and same or small increase
B) Offer me the job with a long list of expectations, greater than what is currently expected, and I will be so mesmerized by a huge increase that I will say yes and then immediately run into the bathroom crying hysterically wondering how I will manage to do a new job with increased expectations and a Master's program, job change, attempt parenthood, run a marathon by the time I'am 38 and still come to work with clean underwear.

I am definitely not scared about the interview process, I love interviews because I love to talk about myself and my accomplishments and really one cannot be that full of themselves anywhere but in an interview with a potential employer or on a late night talk show. Letterman, Leno and Conan aren't exactly pounding down the door so I will use this as my format of choice.

Shortly after Wednesday, September 17th at 3:30 PM I should have an answer.

Wish me luck

Breathe

2008-09-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

You might have to pull this off I-tunes, it's a nice mellow song. I guess I am burned out on Prince.

Breathe - Alexi Murdoch

Other faves on my I-pod right now

Louis XIV - Hey Teacher

Dimanche a Bamako - Senegal Fast Food

Take it to the Maxx - Hello Stranger

Car Song - Elastica

Feet on the ground, head out of the clouds

2008-09-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

I need to let you all in on something.

I feel as though I've been in deep, dark tunnel of fog, eyes glazed and feeling numb - for the better part of August and most of September (hmm, mild depression?) Kate - can you get me some "stuff" from Dr. Pinata? Totally joking. Between the girls leaving, my birthday, a career change in progress, gearing up for the CSET (tomorrow, btw - AAAAAACK), gearing up for school, spending an exorbitant amount of money on books for school and just really life in general had left me feeling very blah. Anyway, I am back and my head is out of the clouds. I have some exciting stuff to blog about. OK, maybe not so much exciting but some stuff to share that doesn't involve me whining and won't bug the crap out of myself. Does anyone else do this or this a special Kara trait?

I'm not one to let life happen to them - I am a go-getter. I do things, I do alot of things and like to go, go, go. Clearly, my lack of posting has affected my writing - but you get the point. No more of letting life happen, I plan to take charge and change the things I have control over.

Writing, something I really enjoy had became too painful over the last few weeks. I think I just had too many emotions and too much reality slapping me in the face, back and forth. I felt pretty beat up emotionally. So I got whiny, felt whiny and lived a pretty whiny life for a bit and now I am at a point where I am sick and tired of hearing myself whine. I am over it, I am over myself.

Thanks to all of you for waiting, watching, commenting, lurking and just really being there for me with a kind word or thought.

Stay tuned.

PS - I didn't forget about Vacation part two. It's really good, I promise.

Becoming Parents

My peeps

No joke...

Finding myself and the happy pills

Luck... Hell - I was born Irish

3500 bucks

He may have the house.... I got to keep my sense of humor

Boost Mobile TV Commercial - Bicycle, Unwronged

The walking paradox

I heart Texas

Serious crush...

Tina Turner - Whatever you want

Honestly....

My Funny Valentine

10 days later...

One month

Really????

Smokin Serendipity

School, snacks and the sucky economy

Happy (Chinese) New Year

Innocence lost

Tagged and tired

Hope....

Support Local Business

Blood & Bones

See ya later sinners....

Open Letter

Happy 2009!

Material Girl

Hold me now

Dates

Foundation for a better life

Stuff...

Stuff...

bullseye

Heroes of green

Weekend update

Call your Grandma

Community

Where did it go?

Ripeness

Better, much better

Giving Thanks

Happy 200

Lost

Noise

The Reality

Handsome + Smart

Confirmation

Tightening the belt

Motivation

History

Like Nike says...JUST DO IT

Save Second Base

I'mmmmm back

Bye-bye

One word meme

It's really all we have left...

motherflower

Brilliant

Busy

Today, Tomorrow and Sunday

Finding the humor in life

Baby McBrickel

Yummy

Santa Ana's, Movies and Dinner

Mema, movies and medicine

Airborne

Finally... on board

CSET

Friends, SNL and Grandparents

The Great Schlep

Freakin China....

Death, underdogs and dressing up

Music

This weekend....

The pink elephant in my office

Enraged

*stuff*

Got it!

stuff