The walking paradox

The last four weeks.... whew, there were good times and there were bad times and fuck if I can't find my happy pills - they were lost somewhere in the move. There are days where I would just like the option to have one.

I feel like one giant walking paradox. I have friends that remind me of things I said the day my world fell apart and feel as though my perception of the situation has evolved and morphed consequently driving said friends bananas. Here's a helpful hint though - don't analyze me please, just be my friend.

Yoga has been amazing, I have been taking a restorative/relaxation class that focuses on stretching the ligaments and connective tissue, not the muscles. It's an hour and 1/2 long and I have come to live for that class.

I can't believe it's been four weeks, time literally has flown right past me. The first two weeks were a hoot - oh my gosh so much fun. Uh, no - actually, I was on auto pilot and the cylinders were not firing. I was able, thankfully, to pull it together enough to *appear* somewhat normal while at work. Fooled them.

The moving of the crap - I hate moving and moving really sucks. Oh and I love my mom but seriously - returning to a parent's home in this situation should be illegal and is not recommended. Once again, I love my mom but she is hovering big time. So back to moving... I rented a Uhaul (cussing profanity mixed with the ex's name - the ENTIRE TIME) and drove said Uhaul to the house where a few guys I hired were able to take my belongings and place them in the storage unit where I pay 80 bucks a month to have my shit just sit there. I need my own space....


So, the big plan for my next move is to pass the freaking CSET and then get a job in either Orange County or LA. Orange County is my first choice because it is just alot easier to get to and fro to visit family, I love being close to the water and located within that county is one of the prettiest places ever - Laguna Beach. Before it became a show on MTV, it was this sleepy artist community that hosts the Sawdust festival and the Pageant of the Masters. The city has rolling hills easy to run up and down, charming little cafes and brings back a flood of happy child hood memories. The cons are that it is probably one of the priciest places to live and the chances of finding a teaching job at a low income school in that county are slim - unless I want to commute.

Los Angeles will probably be where I end up- I've always loved LA. My parents would take us into the city all the time when we were kids. I lived there for a short time in my 20's and truly love the hustle bustle, the energy, the vibe and it's still close to the water. Job wise, it will offer more of an opportunity. Urghh, the traffic and it's just not as easy to get back to Riverside as quickly as Laguna or OC.

Then there is Monaco - oh, did I forget to mention that it was in the running as well? I watched Samantha Brown on the travel channel last night and decided I really should consider Monaco as a viable option (TALKING OUT OF MY ASS,btw) as it met all of my needs and since Je parle Francais, find french men completely mesmerizing and love french food - it's a win/win/win. Last night, I learned that Monaco is the second smallest country in the world (the vatican is the first, I remember that from traveling Europe), has free cable and the only autocratic country. The entire country is the size of Central Park. Job-- what job?


Things I have learned -

Men still find me attractive - THANK GOD.....I don't know why I ever doubted this - oh maybe it was the low self esteem induced by fertility drug blubber that surrounded my gut and brain. I am sure that the jackass I share a last name with had a little something to do with it, as well.

I exercise, want to look great and feel good - FOR ME.

When one separates/divorces, one should be independently wealthy so the mundane details can be handled by staff, while one can go off on African safari while recovering from botox and then jet off to St. Lucia and get daily one hour massages by hot, young men.

I do not need food to be happy.

I always knew this, so it is less "something I learned" and more like "something I am eternally grateful for" - I have a group of amazing friends.

I heart Texas

Years ago, in a land far, far away a twenty-something girl named Kara told her parents she was going to travel Europe by herself. The parents laughed and said - yeah right, you're our only daughter, over our dead bodies etc... The parents and daughter negotioted for weeks until they finally agreed that she would go on a "Guided tour" to Europe with Contiki.

She boarded the big British Airways plane at LAX and didnt get nervous until she heard the captain announce that they were ready to "cross the pond". Only weeks before she rememberd being at the doctors office and reading an article in Newsweek about the plane that had mysteriously ended up in the Hudson. Nervously, she downed an entire 1/2 bottle of red wine and before she knew it the sun was rising over Scotland. She exited the plane finding people speaking her language yet she was not able to decipher or decode one solitary word. Welcome to Jolly old England.

Ok, enough of the third person, I feel like I am on facebook. Somewhere between England and Amsterdam I was introduced to this AMAZING couple from Orlando, Florida. I would keep in touch with them and eventually visit them. I consider the wife to be one of my truest friends though we have spent minimal time together. Always there when I need her and can never be thankful or greatful enough for her friendship. She was the first to introduce me to the infertility letter to family and friends. J is a great friend so why was I not surprised to recieve this from J + B today... guess which state they have recently relocated to? I found it to be cute and clever, just like J.

I know Kate will appreciate this, it's your home state with a whole new logo. Hope it makes you smile 1/2 as much as it made me smile.

I plan to put it on my desk at work tomorrow and/or possibly make a necklace out of it. Do you think that would be too much?

Serious crush...

I think I am really late to the party but... where has HE been? What a babe and he's got two adopted kids which makes me LOVE him even more.

Tina Turner - Whatever you want

Honestly....

The lovely and talented Emily has given me this beautiful award where I am supposed to list 10 honest things about moi. Hmmmmm. Can you handle the truth? Honestly, I think I have overloaded everyone on the honesty and dirt in my life as of late - I will try to keep it light.

OK - buckle up cowgirls, here we go.

1). I hated being a red head - pretty much throughout my entire freaking life - until I was about 23-ish where I suddenly became insanely proud to be a redhead, like ridiculously proud. Did you know we comprise only 1% of the population. Choosing my favorite red head is hard - it's a toss up between Lucille Ball and Jessica Rabbit.

Red heads - Gotta Love them!

2). My new favorite invention. Dry Shampoo - I am LOVING it. Try it.Use it.Love it and save all kinds of time.

3). Tina Turner is not only one of my favorite artists but someone I think about daily who inspires me in a nearly religious way. Seriously, sometimes I say - What would Tina do? and usually I find my answer. She is one classy, bad ass chick and I love her. My all time favorite song is listed in the post abov. I still struggle with posting a Youtube video within a post - urghh.

4). If both of my parents were to pass away I would immediately move to either London, Paris or Venice or perhaps all three. I have always wanted to live abroad and would not mind becoming an ex-pat.

5). Given the choice, I could live off of Tacos for the remaining days of my life. I.LOVE.TACOS.

6.) Though I try to incorporate a funky edge and add trendy pieces to my wardrobe I am most comfortable wearing loafers, an argyle sweater, a string of pearls and jeans. I am a preppy girl at heart and I also LOVE Lilly Pulitzer.

7.) While I am excellent at second guessing myself and have mediocre self confidence I actually get a job interview high and turn into the uber-interviewer. I interview really well and love the rush of endorphins or seratonin or whatever it is.

8.) On the subject of jobs, I have been very fortunate to have AMAZING bosses. I have kept contact with nearly all of them and I think that is a testament to a persons character and work ethic.

9). My all time favorite book is Charlotte's Web.

10.) My favorite road trip EVER consisted of driving from Riverside to Humboldt - the entire length of our great state of California with my good friend Regina to attend our friend Panda's graduation from Humboldt. We had so much fun AND we are still close friends. Regina gets car sick easily and stuck it out while I read the material and wrote a paper on the life of Rigoberta Menchu. The mere mention of that name brings back a flood of memories from a very fun road trip.

My Funny Valentine

The video I like to call - Two adorable kiddos, one sweetie of a mom and one very annoyed brother. I was able to catch a few moments before the game started and taped the worlds cutest kids. Since we purchased the tickets, I have spent the last week humming the brain glue that is "Sweet Georgia Brown".

After I went and got some food and drinks, I attempted to get a photo with my main man, nephew - Cole. Great photo of Auntie Kara, don't ask what Cole is trying to do.

My mom attempted another one and cut off the bottom portion of his face.

By this time, my niece Ella wanted in on this little game we call * How many times will it take to get a good pic*. Notice Auntie trying not to spill her vino? I do love, love, love this photo.

I also love this photo as well.

The turn out was really good, lots of various groups of children - from Brownies and Boy Scouts to a group of cheerleaders and children struggling with physical disabilities. I LOVE the interaction the Globetrotters have with the audience members, specifically - the kids. I think we counted at least 10 kids that got to participate and the game offered just enough adult humor to keep us entertained.

All in all, my first solo V-day in ten years was much better than I expected. I was able to laugh and smile - I think this is a sign of good things to come.

***

Speaking of life - I think I am gaining more and more stability with each day that passes. Alot of my current feelings remind me of the time we received our diagnosis of Unexplained Infertility. It was a batch of rotten lemons and I tried so hard to make some sort of semblance of lemonade. As I squeeze this batch it seems more lemon juice goes into my eyes leaving a stinging impression.

Some people may have felt I was sweeping things under the rug or not embracing the moment. I think that one can (in this and many situations) get overwhelmed with every detail of a situation, letting it eat away at the core of who you are and while the depth and seriousness is not lost on me - I choose happiness over sadness every day.

Sure, this situation sucks and *THIS* is not what I had envisioned my life to turn out to be, but I remember that I dealt with/processed/resolved (and continue to work on) my feelings regarding infertility and I will get through this. God willing - with grace and humor. I am in control of life and I have decisions to make - for this I am grateful and thankful.

Not that I can even begin to imagine dating or another relationship - it's just too early. I do imagine wondering how I will explain my infertility issues and all of its intricacies to the next person I am with. Then a fleeting thought occurs, perhaps D and I just weren't a good match and what if? What if I get PG the old fashioned way?

A girl can dream- right?

10 days later...

It's hard to believe it has been ten short days since my universe has been turned on it's side. I don't know where to begin so I decided to update you on my -so-called life with a list of firsts that made me laugh, cry, cower, shriek and helped me to grow.


Here are some thoughts located at the forefront of my mind...

Wondering how long I could stay at work, one night last week, when faced with the thought of where to go - I had no idea and my mom's isn't quite like home - yet.

Going from "we" to "me"

Killing a spider with febreeze - I know, who knew? Febreeze? (without begging D to come and kill it first)

Not wearing my wedding/engagement rings daily (I nearly wept when typing these words)

Meeting a friend for dinner and not worrying about "getting home" to the husband

Wondering how I was blessed to have such an amazing support system - family, friends (both IRL and in blogland). Thank you all for checking in on me.

Speaking to my RE's assistant who asked me to call her when I was ready to become a mom ( I will more than likely pursue adoption through the foster care system, once I get settled into my own space)

Realizing (for the first time in a very long time) that I have an entire, exciting life ahead of me.

Tomorrow I start my day early and pack the remnants of my married life, moving them from the home I own to a storage unit or to the home I am living in. D and I met this evening to discuss our finances. YUCK and super YUCK. I hate and love money all at the same time.

Wish us luck - er, wish me luck.