Hold me now

YAY - it's over, done, fini.

I am so freaking happy to have this holiday, out of the way. Due to the influx of family and excessive holiday merriment, D and I decided to have a date tonight. We hopped in the car and turned on the radio and you know - I was a little sad to hear something other than a cheery holiday tune. Instead, KOST 103.5 was cranking out the muzak they are known for. Before Chris De Burgh could start to sing about "The Lady in Red" I quickly hit play to start whatever cd had been left. I had forgotten that I had left a best of the 80's cd and so D and I rocked out to Gary Numan singing "Here in my car" - such a great song, ahhhh the synthesizers are just so 80's even though the song came out in 79.

***

Using a holiday gift card, we decided to travel to a busy shopping center filled with people who were also escaping the wrath of holiday gift-giving, recovering from food induced comas and overdoses of ham and turkey as well, where one of our favorite pizza places is located. Swiftly, we maneuvered through the bar area and scanned the room looking for an empty table, chair or really anything stationary that we could prop our selves up against whist pigging out on pizza washed down with some beer for D and a glass of wine for me.

***

D heard his name called and we turned our heads to see who it was. We headed in the direction of an acquaintance and his lady friend who subsequently offered us to sit with them at their table. We barely know these people, however, we were starving and knew there was a 35 minute wait for a regular table and the bar area was jam packed, we cautiously accepted thinking - how bad could this be? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

***

Bizarre, no that's not the word. Awkward, no that's not the word. For the first five minutes, the conversation ebbed and flowed, politely. Then, something happened and I can quite tell you what was said or when it all went south but somewhere between ordering our food and receiving it, D and I were wondering how fast we could escape this *ordeal*. The couple was really nice to let us sit with them and honestly - I feel horrible about ragging on them but as Jules likes to say Something was really screwy in St. Louis. Lady friend of acquaintance had the most obnoxiously loud laugh that could be heard throughout the bar and mentioned several times that she knew it annoyed people. Um, ok??? She went on to tell me that she had been let go from her job as a branch manager of check cashing store for showing co-workers her tattoo - ON HER ASS. Wait- it gets better or worse- however you want to look at it. Throughout the conversation I heard how she wanted to focus on her art now ( I could not bare to know what medium she worked with) , visit her daughter in Alaska and got a heavy dose of some personal detail of her life. As much of a total nut job that this lady was - I have to tell you. Like moss on a damp rock, she kind of grew on me, at the end of the conversation she mentioned how she was in this horrific car accident that left her in a coma for 2 weeks ( at this point, I am thinking to myself - fact, fiction - who knows? Even if she is making this up- wow, she's very creative) and it took her a year to learn how to do the most basic of tasks - such as walking. She was incredibly open about her process and in the end she mentioned that it put everything and continues to put everything into perspective.

***

Somehow, we got back to the subject of her children and she mentioned she her first child had been given up for adoption to an amazing couple in Los Angeles during the early 80's. She recounted very personal details and I thanked her for sharing her story with me. I told her that giving up a child to a couple who could not have one of their own is to give the most amazing gift of love and sacrifice ever.

She did that laugh, I felt uncomfortable. Was she just messing with my head? They didn't know about our struggles with IF

***

D, quickly, paid our bill and went to help me with my coat when she pulled me back to her and kissed my hand. We thanked them for inviting us to sit with them and wished them a Happy New Year. D opened the door for me and as we excited we looked at each other wondering what the hell just happened.

***

People come into our lives for many reasons, this I know for sure. Lady friend came into my life to remind me that a child is a gift and instead of focusing on becoming a parent, I think I need to redirect my focus on making a difference in the life of a child. I have been so wrapped up in our feelings about infertility, our feelings about not being a priority to family members because we don't have children that I fear I lost some focus.

While nature reminds me each month that I am supposed to give birth and my body was designed to carry a baby, my heart and mind know the truth. Our quest to become parents was not just a goal to accomplish, a task to check off some life - to do list it. Our goal has been simple - a child to love and share our lives with.

***

As we climbed back into the car, my favorite song from the Thompson Twins came on and D squeezed my hand. Not missing a word we sang each word loudly to "Hold me Now".