I'm sitting here at the kitchen table already dressed and ready for the day, which is funny - on any other day I would be planning to go to work, struggling to get out from under the cozy warmth of the covers. I'm a night owl, not an early bird. I didn't sleep much, mostly dozed or napped.
Typically, if I'm home alone (D is working in LA this week) the Ipod is cranked or a movie is on for background noise. Now, I'm sitting here in silence that is nearly deafening. Thinking. Many thoughts cross my mind. I try to calm them but the 2 cups of coffee that I have already consumed, while working on a third, are not helping. I've tried a few yoga poses. Not working.
I've already re-read all four of our adoption manuals and the training materials from the 6 classes we have taken. I have lists, questions for the foster mom that has cared for them for the last 6 months, questions for the County social worker who has the info on the bio mom + dad and of course one of the first questions will be about the status of the bio-parents and their next court date which will ultimately determine my fate, as a mom.
We are in high risk which is not where a control freak likes to be.... then I read this.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing
They may avoid suffering and sorrow but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live
Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave, they have forfeited their freedom
Only a person who risks is truly free