Saturday, May 31, 2008

Favorite Moment

Well.... we have survived the first week of foster parenting, it wasn't pretty but we are all here - tears, laughter and *hopefully* living lice-free. FYI... regarding lice - a natural homeopathic remedy for lice removal is Tea Tree Oil.

Yesterday, we went to Chuck E Cheese after the girls visit with the birth parents. Chuck E came out to greet the kids and Big Girl ran up to hug him, little girl followed and as soon as they were about 2 feet away from each other she let out a blood curdling scream and ran right into my arms. Duane and I were half laughing and half crying because of the meaning of the situation. I'm lucky/happy to know she trusts me enough to protect her. On the way home we did our little family tradition of favorite moment of the day. When asked, Big Girl stated that being at Chuck E Cheese and meeting him in person was her favorite moment. This kid is brutally honest and I think she is finally starting to attach to us. Little girl is two. Nothing.More.To.Say.

Duane woke up really early today to attach a tetherball to a pole for big girl and spent the day off an on- Don't forget we had our pretty dress with flowers in our hair picnic today. This evening while they were playing, we encountered some problems. First, Big Girl accused Duane of cheating, which he handled really well and then she got sassy and made a comment about her parents being better at tetherball and that Duane is *just* a foster parent. We spoke with Big Girl this evening regarding the matter after her bath, while we cleaned under her toenails that I don't think have been cleaned for about a year. We reminded Big Girl about how lucky she is to have so many parents in her life caring for her and how we need to think about words, how they are connected to our feelings and how Duane and I plan to take really good care of both her an little girl while they are in our care - whether it be a month or a lifetime. Duane will be fine; his wounds will heal, he is a sensitive soul.

Words cannot express the support I feel from the blog community, I thank you all for being here and commenting!

Thursday, May 29, 2008


Tonight, we waited by a water fountain as other members of our family came trickling into our little Riverside Plaza where we had a yummy Japanese dinner at Ooka. The girls were patiently waiting on a bench and then sprinted towards the fountain. A few moments later they returned and asked for money to make a wish. I obliged and dug out all of the pennies from my wallet. I reminded them about the wish rule of breaking the silence and announcing your wish will sadly mean that the wish will not come true. Not even two seconds later, Big girl announced that her wish is to be reunited with her parents. I'm pretty sure she wasn't listening to my announcement about the wish rule or maybe she was confused and thought you had to announce the wish in order for it to come true. I'm sure you can guess what my wish was.

Speaking of Big Girl, her teacher motioned me over and told me that Big girl was really sad and down this morning, right after she got to school. The teacher asked what was the matter and Big girl replied that she was missing her mom. The teacher asked if she was speaking of her birth mom and Big Girl said - No, My foster mom. The teacher then proceeded to give me some very cool atta girls and know I'm in love with Big Girls teacher - just like she is. I got completely choked up ( Thank you Chlomid for effing me up in the emotional availability department, ever since I took that med - I can literally cry at ANYTHING. That will be a whole other post) and struggled to hold back some pretty major waterworks.

Another cute moment with Big Girl happened this evening as I was drying her hair. She asked what the plans were for this weekend and I mentioned the usual: chores, homework and staying in jammies till noon on Saturday (Yah, right). She asked if we could go on a picnic, (wait, it gets better) wear very pretty dresses and put flowers in our hair. I could barely speak, all I wanted to do was grab her, hug her and tell her that we can do picnics- EVERYDAY with flowers in our hair and the prettiest dresses she can imagine. I managed to expel a semi-decent response. Duane broke the tension and asked her if he had to wear a dress also, she giggled. I'm so glad she is focusing on being a little girl instead of worrying about big stuff.

Tomorrow the girls see their parents, depending on their mood, once they return we are planning to take them for their inaugural visit to Chuck E. Cheese - you know the place where a kid can be a kid.

Hope everyone has a GREAT weekend.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Laundry, boogers and lice

Aren't you so enthralled with the above title? I'm eris coming around. One of her first questions she asked was "Why don't you have kids of your own?", followed by "Would you have taken us, if Little one was older". She completely parentifies her relationship/role with Little one and wants to make sure if I'm giving Little one her required medicine, changing her frequently - etc. She is a great helper and is starting to communicate more appropriately for her age. I took the girls to Cold Stone ice cream today and she said she had never been. I asked her if she had ever heard of Chuck E. Cheese and she said she had heard about it but never been (my mind racing - isn't their motto - where a kid can be a kid?).

I'm pretty sure I heard the washer and dryer both sigh this morning which reminds me that I want to have Duane put up a clothesline. We are doing laundry around the clock.... I got to pick Little one nose for about 25 minutes yesterday and that was more fun than should be allowed. The real hum dinger was the whole LICE issue we eradicated (she types as she itches her head, ACCCCCCK - I hope I don't have bugs) - the positive out of the lice experience is that Little one can now say buggy. She screamed bloody murder the entire time I washed her hair with the lice shampoo and then with the gel/comb process. I miss her terribly when she naps and feel so overwhelmed that when I sit down I just want to take a nap myself though I can hear the 50 million things rattling off in my mental to-do list.

Ok, I'm done. It's not complaining, more like updating and venting all at once. I've always known I was not cut out to be a SAHM and this week is the proof behind the statement. I have always admired and respected my IRL BFF and sister in law +many friends for being able to stay home and stay sane. My strengths lie elsewhere.

I'm hoping to escape - I mean leave the house for a few hours on Sunday to watch the new Sex in the City movie. YAY.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memories of Papa

The ever talented and brilliant Io wrote a beautiful post regarding her Grandfather which opened a flood gate of memories for me regarding my Grandfather, who we affectionately called Papa.

I thought in light of Memorial Day I would post some information regarding my Papa who made a career of the Air Force and traveled the world. My Grandparents on my mom side, Kitty and Chuck as they were known to most were known to me as Grandma Kitty and Papa - two of the most loving, inspiring and encouraging souls. Grandma Kitty passed when my mom was 32 and grieves her loss, still.

The following is a piece I read at his funeral that was held at Riverside National Cemetery. My Aunt who works in law enforcement and is greatly supported by the men in blue has an amazing boss who ordered a police escort with flashing lights to escort the family. There was a 21 gun salute and a flag folding ceremony. I've had the honor to experience several military funerals and this was by far one of the most emotional and poignant.

Memories of Papa

The strong masculine scent of Aramis cologne, the combination of Extra sharp cheddar cheese & triscuits, Homemade Ice cream that took way too long to make, the scent of oranges wafting through the air as orange trees blossom, gathering all of the grandchildren because of the “1-bag per person” deal on sugar, learning how to recover a capsized catamaran in Lake Perris, A kiss and a “Hello Beautiful” before I walked down the aisle to get married. The jolly chuckle, the happy heart, the proud man my papa was. Each of us has blessed with many great memories imprinted on our souls.

I’ll remember him in so many ways, like the German chocolate cake he loved, he was rich with life experiences and with love. Smooth, he was always popular and very charming around ladies. Nutty – always knowing a joke or two and willing to share with anyone who would listen.

His excitement and enthusiasm, when speaking about traveling the world and finding new experiences. His physical presence, the strong arms and large physique that hugged me so tight I could barely breathe. Even as an adult, he still made me feel little – like a child, safe in his arms. Upbeat and happy, his emotional presence was always felt as he entered a room with a beaming smile – always.

We grieve the loss of a father, an Uncle, a Brother –in law, a Father in law, and a Papa and we can be comforted knowing that we have gained another angel in Heaven to look over all of us. May our memories help to guide us, comfort us and remind us not to do the easy thing but the right thing, travel and enjoy life, honor our flag, our country and the men and women that protect it daily and to always think good thoughts.

Papa with mom and Aunt Sassy

Sunday, May 25, 2008


Oops - bad foster mommy Kara gave out the kids real names. I knew about not publishing pictures but after visiting some other foster mom blogs, I think I did a big - No-no. I will be deleting their real names from other blog entries and those of you who know the names, please refer to them as their nicknames.

From here moving forward they will be called.... Little girl and Big girl.

If anyone has anything more creative, please let me know - my creative juices are simply not flowing at the present time and I don't have nicknames for them.

YAY Control-F works in blogger, I didnt know that.

Saturday, May 24, 2008


Whew, what a day......

The last 24 hours has been the craziest roller coaster ride imaginable; no class could have ever prepared us for these experiences.

Let's circle back to 11:00 AM yesterday, the girls were dropped off by their first Foster mom "M" who I'm quite certain is doing foster care just for the money. The girls arrived with 4 trash can size of black bags. M stated that she had to leave at noon and birth mom "L" phoned at 11:45 AM to remind M about the arrangement they made regarding the girls for Friday. Apparently, a family member passed away and L had received approval from the County SW to have them for 4 hours to attend a memorial service. M asked me if I had been made aware and I stated no and the only way I would proceed was with approval from the social worker. M left and gave me Birth mom's number. I phoned our agency and they apologized profusely and I confirmed the 4 hour time increment. They were clear that it was only 4 hours and no more.

I phone Birth mom who is PISSED OFF, apparently didn't know that her children were being moved and was upset when I called to introduce myself and confirm the 4 hour meeting. She had the NERVE to TELL me to bring the kids to her. At this point I'm beyond blown away and wondering how the hell I'm going to get 2 kids fed (M dropped them off hungry and NO FLIPPIN DIAPERS for the 2 year old) and find clothes for this Memorial thing. Wow, ok, you have balls (is what I'm thinking). I'm legally responsible for your children that you have neglected and now you are telling me to bring your kids to you because you have no car because you can't get a job. Hmmm, NO. But instead it went like this... Unfortunately, that will not work for us, I would like to have as much consistency for the girls as possible so I would recommend we met where you used to meet M. She was hot, totally pissed and I didn't care. At this point, I'm thinking (and continuing this feeling today) Dude -lady, I'm not making this ANY kind of easy for you. Choices and consequences and BTW, I was not mentally prepared to receive these girls, have them for an hour and turn around to not only meet their parents but hand them over for some 4 hour unscheduled visit. L stated that they would not make it from Perris to our meeting place by bus and make it to the Memorial in time to which I stated, Ok, then we will see you for your regularly scheduled Sunday visit. She got pissed again and in a huffy voice said, no we will make it work. Ok, great - see you there at 2:00. D arrived at 1:00 with diapers in hand, we got the girls dressed and that is about it. Got in the car at 1:30 and was at the meeting place at 1:45.

At 2:04 I phoned birth mom on her cell ( no job, no car and living with parents and you have a cell? How do they pay the bill?) and she stated they just got off the bus and asked where we were. It is a very busy public parking lot ( Hey, I wasn't going to meet them somewhere where there wasn't a million people around). We met the birth parents and they were nice (FRICK, not what I wanted but Ok I kind of figured they were nice because the girls are total sweetie pies).

We did the hand off and gave the girls to them, that was rough. No that was just plain sucky ass craptacular, is what that was. We came back to the parking lot later - at the designated time and they made it on time. Dam, you know I was so secretly hoping I would totally get to bust them. I did get a chance to look birth mom right in the eyes and very soft and stern say - I promise I will take very good care of your daughters while they are in our home. They will not go with out food, clothes or love - EVER. They said a quick good bye and turned and walked toward the bus stop.

Erica, the 2 year old was the only one that cried. Big girl is tough as nails and is Erica's protective big sis who tonight as Erica was crying said " Don't worry Erica, I will always be here to hold your hand". Yep, D and I were both in tears. Anyhow, the birth dad who is my age (35) handed Erica to D and the birth mom steered Big girl in my direction. I held out my hand and Big girl accepted. We got in the car, got everyone settled and I immediately whipped out the juice box's and snacks I had packed for the ride home. Food is love, the girls who stated they were full when we got them - inhaled everything I had in the diaper bag. During the drive home I asked how the Memorial service went and Big girl stated that they didn't go. I calmly whip out my notebook and decide it is key to document this. Inside, I'm thinking about not so nice words to call their parents. I didn't dig about why they didn't make it but told her that I knew she was looking forward to going and seeing her other relative and I'm sorry to hear that there was a change of events. I will be calling our case manager and the county social worker about this and a few other things that have happened with the first foster mom. I'm not sure how much I can *reveal* here but I will say Big Girl needs a lot of tutoring for school and I will be having a meeting with her teacher on Tuesday. Her teacher was very happy to hear from me as she has been trying to contact M for some time now.

We drove home, made pizza with a nice green salad which the girls LOVED, watched Alvin in the Chipmunks, took a bath and hit the sack around 9:45. Much later than a normal night we will be having, they were in bed by 7:45 tonight and lights were out at 8:00.

Tomorrow is their 12 hour visit with Birth parents, yesterday was rough and I'm not sure today was any better. The 2 year old is calling us Mama and Dada. I love the moments where she cuddles with me, I love seeing my husband who I knew would be a good father in such a different way, he is accepting fatherhood whole-heartedly and is even more kind and patient than I can begin to describe or ever imagine, such a loving father figure. Then there are moments like when Big girl looked at me and said I reminded her of her mom, in the face. - aaack. She also asked if they wanted a baby instead of a big girl and I looked at her and said, we just wanted some kids to love, we didnt care how old they were. I'm constantly reminded that I'm NOT thier mom.

I got choked up several times today when my father visited and was disappointed with how he acted. Amazing at 35 I'm still looking for his fucking approval/happiness/excitement about what I'm doing. I headed for the shower and balled after he left and all I could think of was - I can't do this. I was able to pull my head out of my ass and get it together for a visit with my mom and nephew and felt awkwardly like I cheating on him with these two other kids. My mom visited twice today, the first time bringing the girls Hello Kitty bathroom accessories (shower curtain, tooth brush holder, towels, washclothes and matching bathroom rug) and an abundance of snacks and toys. The girls were so excited, you would have thought it was Christmas. They were so grateful and politely thanked her.

I went to put Little girl down for her first nap and she screamed bloody murder, you would have thought someone was trying to harm her. I rubbed her back, got her water, changed her diaper and told her I would be here when she woke up from her nap. I set the timer on the stove for 10 minutes and let her cry it out. She ended up falling asleep and we went through the same thing this evening at night time. D reminded me, she doesn't know anything else but her core people leaving her, no wonder she is freaked out about this. She started to bond with us today and is worried we might leave.

I just killed the bottle of Ragapple lassie Syrah from Kate, I think I have had one glass every night for about a week or so and I'm going to start homework.

We had a long talk last night before we went to bed and agreed that the girls will probably go back to Birth parents in July. Parents are clean and working their program, though they still have to overcome their other challenges of securing a job, housing (girls have a separate bedroom so living with grandparents or a hotel doesn't count - THANK GOD) and a car. Our case manager ensured us that if the parents arent cleaned up by July the court will probably start the termination of reunification services and that means no more free bus passes and treatment programs. We'll cross that bridge if A) it really does exist and B) it falls in our path. If the girls get reunited, we will contact the agency and explain that we are only open for straight adoption. We are even toying with the idea of private adoption.

I can't do this again.

Friday, May 23, 2008


I'm sitting here at the kitchen table already dressed and ready for the day, which is funny - on any other day I would be planning to go to work, struggling to get out from under the cozy warmth of the covers. I'm a night owl, not an early bird. I didn't sleep much, mostly dozed or napped.

Typically, if I'm home alone (D is working in LA this week) the Ipod is cranked or a movie is on for background noise. Now, I'm sitting here in silence that is nearly deafening. Thinking. Many thoughts cross my mind. I try to calm them but the 2 cups of coffee that I have already consumed, while working on a third, are not helping. I've tried a few yoga poses. Not working.

I've already re-read all four of our adoption manuals and the training materials from the 6 classes we have taken. I have lists, questions for the foster mom that has cared for them for the last 6 months, questions for the County social worker who has the info on the bio mom + dad and of course one of the first questions will be about the status of the bio-parents and their next court date which will ultimately determine my fate, as a mom.

We are in high risk which is not where a control freak likes to be.... then I read this.


To laugh is to risk appearing the fool

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental

To reach out for another is to risk involvement

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self

To place ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss

To love is to risk not being loved in return

To live is to risk dying

To hope is to risk despair

To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing

They may avoid suffering and sorrow but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live

Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave, they have forfeited their freedom

Only a person who risks is truly free

------ Anonymous

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Tomorrow is the day

The girls arrive tomorrow morning, I can hardly wait.

Tomorrow I will be a mom. I'm speechless.



The agency had the manager "F" call and she stated that the County just called and said that the home has passed the County test (I don't know what this means, by the way - I only know that it is good news).

Now we are waiting for a signature from the supervisor. Let me translate this for you, this could take until 5:00 PM.

Stomach. Is. Hurting.


I've got names - OOOOPS - Not supposed to make names public and in my excitement forgot to ask which name belonged to which child. I was actually quite worried about their names so this is a huge relief, might be a bit shallow but this is my own reality show so....

SW "L" stated, once again, our placement could be today or tomorrow. Hmmmm, this sounds familiar. The good news, as stated by the SW, is that the County is thinking long term and that might be a reflection of how the parents are doing on their "plan" and she mentioned that in the past she has seen the County put kids into a home that is set up for temporary placements. "L" was also quick to add and remind us to think of this as a straight foster placement as we do not know how well the parents are doing on their plan. Obviously, so much easier said than done. She reminded me that this is not how the normal time frame is played out, as this is a unique situation. Usually it takes the County a week to get any approval and they are cramming ours into 2-3 days.

My stomach is continuing its routine of back flips and cartwheels.

Could this day get ANY better?

I just got off of the phone with a nice lady from the school district we reside in asking if I would like to have an interview. I, of course, accepted in the most calm manner I could muster. Send good interview vibes my way for next Tuesday at 9:45 AM. I asked if I needed to bring anything and her reply was " A portfolio would be nice". Crap. I've yet to take portfolio 101. I'm guessing it would include a mock lesson plan, anyone have any idea of any other material to include? I know they do not need my resume, college transcripts, TB test, CBEST scores, ELL workshop registration confirmation, Intern Eligible credential letter, State Clearance, 3 letters of recommendation, as these items were mailed to them.

YAY - my life is (finally) coming together...


First, let me thank you all for your kind and supportive comments. You all or as my mom would say Y'all are amazing women whose strength and friendship I'm grateful and thankful for. I really appreciate that you not only read but also comment on my blog. I really want to thank you for taking time to post a comment, I cannot put into words how much it means to me.

Onto the business at hand. Surely, you must be thinking - WHERE ARE THESE KIDS ??? Well, so am I. Did I mention to you all that patience is not my strength (unless it's with kids directly in which case I have an incredible amount). I don't even know where to start the process of an update because every 5 minutes ( ok, a bit of an embellishment/exaggeration) the situation was changing. It truly was a roller coaster of a ride and emotions were running high yesterday. We fell into bed last night at 11:30 after D had put a set of bunk beds together and I had scrubbed the floors/walls and put away any object that I thought the County might deem either dangerous or unsuitable. When D went to pick up the bunk beds, I mentioned to him that I wanted the 7 year old to be able to pick out her own bedding and he agreed. He arrived home and handed me a bag and said " I know you told me and we agreed for the 7 year old to pick out her own bedding but I saw these sheets and I thought it might look more inviting if we have something on the bed." Let me just tell you that they are the prettiest - little girl sheets EVER. The man has really good taste, a great heart and he's cute too. I'm feeling might lucky.

Since we are reviewing yesterday in the reverse pattern I will also mention and vent that I phoned Duane to let him know I would not be going to school yesterday evening because I thought it was more important to go home and start cleaning. I got a huge lecture about how important school was ( really, it is ??? - C'mon, I'm not an idiot) and how much it costs ( really it cost alot, I thought we were going to pay for it from the money tree in the backyard. You know the one that you thought we had when you suggested ANOTHER vacation to the Yucatan in 3 months). I sit in a cube environment and don't have the luxury to respond in the tone/manner an voice I want to sometimes so I stated I would call back from my cell. When I called him back, he had regained his sense of logic and reasoning and thought that my idea of coming home to clean was a really good idea. I think the little 2 minute time out was a good thing.

The day was filled with me sitting on the edge of my seat and trying to be productive while waiting for the phone to ring which makes for a REALLY long day. I think I received a total of 4 emails from our agency SW "L" and each one was completely different from the last. Bottom line, the County does not want the girls to go into temporary placement while the County processes us instead they are trying to expedite the cutting of the red tape and hope to get us processed today. What probably isn't helping is that on Monday the headline of our local paper stated something to the effect of County Supervisors investigate fraud in the Foster care system. While the article and situation is mostly surrounding funding and spending for group homes getting into the wrong hands and being spent on items for luxury rather than necessity, I do know that our County is under scrutiny and I appreciate that they are following a process. We are supposed to get a call sometime today to pick up the girls. I have no kid food, no milk, no peanut butter and jelly and no diapers for the 2 year old. So after I pick them up, we will head straight to Target. I also have no car seat, as I'm not buying that until I get the call to go pick them up because I think I would fall apart if I had to drive around with a car seat and no child in it.

I've got a bad case of the "What If's" and I'm hoping that will pass.

I'll keep you all updated and again many thanks!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Here we go.....

At 1:00 PM today, I discovered I was the VERY LAST of my family to find out that my dad was taken to the emergency room for chest pains due to high blood pressure (and a Diet Pepsi habit) was given an EKG, treadmill test etc. He is fine.

Those defining moments make me love and want to strangle my beloved family all at the same time. Thoughts crisscross my mind in lightening speed - Why wasn't I the first one called, why didn't this person call me, why didn't that person call me. Ok, if I leave now, I can be back in time for my 2:30 meeting and as the daughter of my Type A father I know he would be disappointed if I somehow failed short at work, to be by his side. I spoke with my brother who assured me that everything was fine and I should stay at work. Being the big sister that I am, I threatened that if something bad were to happen and I wasn't there he would surely pay for it for the rest of his life and next time he needs to call me as soon as he finds out. Urghhh, brothers - I love him but sometimes he just drives me friggin nuts.

Just when I thought the roller coaster has slowed down for today I phoned D at 4:00 PM to let him know I was leaving work and on my way to school and he stated that he was on the other line with our social worker. Immediately, my heart sank as I prepared myself to not burst out in tears. Past experiences with IF prohibit and have taken away my initial reaction of news of us becoming parents as being "good", which sucks, but it is what it is.

D stated that L (our social worker) has a possible placement and she would call as soon as she had ANY news. Time passed, for what seemed like a millennium and I arrived at school. My cell completely dead because I forgot to put it on the charger last night so I beg my kind classmate to borrow her phone and called D for an update who said that he would have L give me a call on my classmates phone. L calls and says, they are two girls, ages 2 and 7 and need to be placed immediately. The back story is that the current foster mom is moving to LA and the girls cannot be taken out of the County, we need to make a decision ASAP. I advise her to call D in five minutes and he will have our answer, after we discuss. I call D and in about 10 seconds we agree the deal is sealed and we need to move forward. He stated that his heart and head both scream YES and I have nothing nearly coherent or prophetic, I just now I want to be a mom and yes I'll take them. L calls D, receives our answer and states that we need to cool our heels. The County (yes, also my Employer) has another family . Oh YEAH, bring it on. I 'm somewhat competitive and now that I now there is another family, part of me feels like - well I'm sure they are wanting a child/children as well and other part is begging God to give us a break and let us become parents.

So my request/shout out/prayer to the big guy upstairs, goes a little something like this...

Dear God,

A year ago this week, you needed another angel and you chose mine. I didn't understand why it happened but now I can see that our path to parenthood is going to be unique, yet great.

I know you want me to a parent because you have provided me with such amazing parents to learn from and a passion for parenthood that has never faltered. If these two sweet peas are meant to be ours, I promise to love them, provide for them, encourage them and teach them to become strong women with values and ethics.

Thanks - Kara

PS - Thanks for watching over my Dad today, things could have been alot worse.

NOTE- Our parents and family do not know about this news, we plan to break the news once we have specific + good news. Therefore, as soon as we have news I will call them and then post here. If you are family and are reading this PLEASE do not say ANYTHING to our parents.

I guess this is a way to find out who exactly is reading our blog.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Two months from today

I will be taking the CSET again, two months from today - FOR SURE. I'm not being "down" on myself, more like thinking realistically. In a nutshell, the test was difficult, I did not study properly for the subject matter presented and due to my lack of preparing I'm certain that I did not pass. I plan to enroll in a CSET study course and establish a more strict study schedule as I need to pass in order to get a teaching job here in California.

Speaking of potential teaching jobs, I received my first "Thanks but no Thanks letter" from a local school. It was a good reality check as I regularly put the proverbial cart before the horse - Hey, I'm not a proponent for change so when I'm ready to change something I take action quickly and swiftly. I have come to the determination that this career change will take some time and I need to be patient. I hate that word and there are not many things/people/words that I hate but I especially despise that word. I imagine my disdain stems from the fact that I heard the word patient way too many times in the IF world.... Just be patient, the doctor is seeing another patient, etc.

On other news, I appear to be paying off some karmic technology debt because I spent time speaking with the lovely people at Dell and AT & T this weekend and would have rather spent time jabbing dull pencils into my eyes, both times. I'm still without Internet and will be updating from work in the meantime so my usuage will be minimal, at best.

I did some observing on Friday at a one of our local High Schools and found the teacher to be completely unprofessional, for example - she brought her son to her classroom, then had an aide take her son to his elementary school and had the nerve to ask the aide to stop somewhere and pick up a diet coke and stated "Oh - by the way, can you give my son a few bucks for lunch because I forgot to pack one and there is no money on his account." Now, I don't profess to me an expert about the teaching profession but I do know that there is a level of professionalism to withhold and she fell way below the bar.

In other news, we had a wonderful family dinner on Saturday evening celebrating my brother's 30th birthday and I was reminded again of how lucky I am to have such an amazing, loving family. Sunday was spent at our first Angels game were we beat the Dodgers - TO A PULP. Ironically, I'm not a huge sports fan, in high school I loathed "the jocks" and ended up married to a sports fanatic. Our first date was at an Angels game and Duane planned to propose at one of the games but was declined by the administration because the last proposal they put on camera was unsuccessful - OUCH..... Anyway, it is a place that brings back alot of great memories and where we look forward to making new ones.

I hope everyone had a good weekend and this week brings only good things.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The limbo that is life.....

I'm in a weird place right now.

I have no (good) reason to complain about my life - especially after hearing the latest reports about the earthquake in China ( that could so easily happen ANY day here in CA, did I mention I work in a 14 story high rise?) and lack of aid to the people of Myanmar or the people who have experienced the tornado's and inclement weather around various parts of our own country. Our weather was a blasting 95 today. Which is fine if you are inside and a total bitch when you have to exert any energy outside.

I participated in a rally for teachers that have been given pink slips for San Bernardino County this evening. Our instructor was one of the organizers of the rally, I might have a little bit of a crush on him. OK, actually he reminds me of my Male BFF in high school who I had a huge crush on and I think there in lies the connection. I think it's a continuation or reminder of my very first crush and by crush I'm not exaggerating, crushed my heart when our friendship ended 8 years ago. That is a whole other post. The rally was inspiring, solidarity and people uniting for the same cause, teachers who normally have no kind of kudos and support getting honks and waves of support at one of the busiest intersections in San Bernardino. I should have been more excited to be there - this is totally my kind of thing. Why couldn't I just enjoy the moment for what it was instead of over- analyzing it? I was uncomfortable, felt out of my element and not connected.

The snag...... I felt like a fraud. Ok, maybe fraud is too strong. How about Limbo? I'm experiencing some serious limbo in my life and it's just like the dance, awkward, uncomfortable, painful and unpleasant. I don't like limbo. I need stability, I thrive on knowing or thinking I know what is around the next corner.

My limbo-esque feelings circle around my career change. I'm not yet a teacher, I'm going to school to become a teacher and hope that I get a contract for next year the fact of the matter is that I'm NOT a teacher. Stress of the impending **CSET (scheduled for this Saturday), student observing not yet scheduled for this Friday, homework that should have been done instead of going to Cancun and a list of projects that have not been started and should be nearing completion.

Totally overwhelmed. I know - it's life. It's my blog and I need to whine a bit.

**Studying for the CSET is kind of like studying for Jeopardy, alot like collecting random facts and figures and hoping that one of the 80 gazillon things you *tried* to remember actually pops in your head at the right time.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

And then there is this.....

I came across this newspaper article today, while visiting the in-laws. Apparently, these folks announced their latest news on the Today show, last Friday. You might have heard about this family - The Duggar family, the husband has, apparently, super bionic sperm and she - a super human uterus... together they have created this....

By JILL ZEMAN, Associated Press Writer Fri May 9, 5:25 PM ET
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - It's a happy Mother's Day for an Arkansas woman — she's pregnant with her 18th child. Michelle Duggar, 41, is due on New Year's Day, and the latest addition will join seven sisters and 10 brothers. There are two sets of twins. "We've had three in January, three in December. Those two months are a busy time for us," she said, laughing.The Duggars' oldest child, Josh, is 20, and the youngest, Jennifer, is nine months old.The fast-growing family lives in Tontitown in northwest Arkansas in a 7,000-square-foot home. All the children — whose names start with the letter J — are home-schooled.Duggar has been been pregnant for more than 11 years of her life, and the family is in the process of filming another series for Discovery Health.The new show looks at life inside the Duggar home, where chores — or "jurisdictions" — are assigned to each child. One episode of the new show involves a "jurisdiction swap," where the boys do chores traditionally assigned to the girls, and vice versa, Duggar said.
"The girls swapped jurisdictions, changing tires, working in the garages, mowing the grass," she said. "The boys got to cook supper from start to finish, clean the bathrooms," among other chores.Duggar said she's six weeks along and the pregnancy is going well. She and her husband, Jim Bob Duggar, said they'll keep having children as long as God wills it. "The success in a family is first off, a love for God, and secondly, treating each other like you want to be treated," Jim Bob Duggar said. "Our goal is for each one of our children to be best friends, and everybody working together to serve each other makes that happen." The other Duggar children, in between Joshua and Jennifer, are Jana, 18; John-David, 18; Jill, 16; Jessa, 15; Jinger, 14; Joseph, 13; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 10; Jeremiah, 9; Jedidiah, 9; Jason, 7; James, 6; Justin, 5; Jackson, 3; and Johannah, 2.___
On the Net:
Duggar family Web site:
Discovery Health site:

I get it - It's America, it's a free country and you want to populate the better part of it. Here's an idea, how about you become a surrogate or help out a fellow sister and give a few of these bambinos up for adoption because guess what - Not everyone can have 18 effin kids, lady.

It's insane and the part I don't get is what keeps possessing them to continue having children? Do they know about "Infertility" because honestly if it was this easy for me to pop some kids out, I think I would feel guilty that I could get pregnant so easily while others struggle. What about helping out for the "greater good"? I can only guess that in her situation I would really want to help others but hey - that's just me, little ol' sarcastic, infertile and slightly envious, me.

It all makes sense now - as I re-read this post (My favorite part, btw) - They will keep having children as long as God wills it.
So many questions for God, this will be in the top ten for sure.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

A diversion

Michelle tagged me for a fun little meme, I have never seen this one before, so here we go.

4 things I did 10 years ago: (1998) - Can't find my journal from this year so I'm going off memory - SCARY....

Watched Frank Sinatra perform in Las Vegas ( this might have happened in 1997 ), Don Rickles opened and cracked racist jokes about everyone including - the Irish.

I had finally transferred from Community College to National University and was dating a guy who was also attending National and was a teacher. He turned out to be a total a$$ and broke up with me on Valentine's day.

Lived with my good friend Panda, drank mudslides every night after work and spent alot of money at the Cabazon outlet mall.

I went on a blind date with a guy (set up by my mother with our accountants' son, her selling point was that he had a good job and made good money) who had been beaten so badly with the ugly stick that it was just plain scary. Jacked up teeth, stunk and was sweaty. He tried to hold my hand after dinner and I said " Oh, no Thank-you". OK, at least I was a rude sort of way.

4 things I did 5 years ago: (2003)

Left a job where I was traveling every other week for days at a time throughout Southern CA, Nevada and New Mexico.

Started to worry about why we weren't pregnant yet after 3 years of not being on birth control and being, ahem, newlyweds who spent a lot of time in the bedroom. I started looking and seriously thinking about going back to school and started my research where I finally applied in 2004, started in 2005 and then graduated in 2007

Watched my little brother marry a beautiful, kind hearted and sensitive woman who has become the sister I never had and always wanted.

Left KROQ's Inland Invasion concert to go meet a beautiful little boy named Cole Patrick, my nephew. My heart forever changed. the very thought of him brings a smile to my face.

4 things I did yesterday:

Paid $4.09 a gallon for gasoline (OUCH).

Paid $5.00 + tax for a subway footlong (Italian BMT on Jalapeno bread, spinach, cucumbers, carrots, jalapenos, oil and vinegar) which I ate 1/2 of for lunch and the other 1/2 for dinner.

Made homemade egg burritos for my supervisors little surprise breakfast buffet - she had her last day of school and will graduate with her MBA, next weekend. She has been amazing and supportive of my career change and has turned out to be a really good friend. I made 5 whole wheat ones filled with egg, spinach, jalapeno cheese and salsa and another 5 using regular flour tortillas with egg, spinach, pancetta and garlic. Amazingly, I also made it to work on time.

Our Nationwide rep ( who has been bugging me to move my 457 and 401(a) accounts back to NW from AIG) opened up to me about he and his wife's IF challenges and wanted information about our agency. Amazing, truly amazing how many people are going through this horrific health problem preventing great people from becoming parents.

4 shows I love to watch

Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations ( I know, what a surprise). Another mad crush that I LOVE to watch is Jamie Oliver, I'm a sucker for a cute boy with an accent - especially a British one and Jamie fits the bill.

Re-runs of Friends and Sex in the City

Run's house - totally hooked on it. Let's not forget how much I love all 80's music, even a little rap.

How I met your mother and New Adventures of Old Christine - both shows make me laugh out loud! I also love Weeds, The Tudors and Big Love.

4 things I love to do:

Read for pleasure

Make people laugh

Be an inspiration

Send people cards in the mail, so nice to receive something other than a bill and there is nothing quite like the written word and seeing someones familiar penmanship. LOVE IT.

**This was fun**

I tag the following....Kate, Io and Katd

Monday, May 5, 2008

One step closer....

And the longest two week wait of our life begins......

We passed the walk through.

Things to do:

I need to get the background check done.

My mom needs to get the background check done.

My SIL who has *GRACIOUSLY/KINDLY/MOST GIVING EVER* has offered to be our daycare provider needs to get her background check and CPR/First Aid. Speaking of my SIL - I'm beyond lucky and grateful. This child is already felt in our hearts and is happily awaited by our family and friends.

Tonight we met our replacement for "Y" whom I've gotten along with really well over the phone and didn't have many concerns about meeting face to face. Besides, who wouldn't love me- because I'm adorable, sweet and would be a really great mom (and so humble - hee, hee). I was told "L" would be here at 5:30 and had not heard the door when I yelled across the house " WHAT ARE YOU WEARING" and no response from Duane until he walked toward me with a smile and said "THEY are here", followed by me saying in a hushed whisper "WHAAAAAAAT"???????? THEY????? Thinking, I thought it was just "L". Funny, I no longer cared what he was wearing and hoping that they weren't thinking I was a raving banshee.

All I could think of was - Thank G*D I didn't say (jokingly, of course) QUICK- HIDE THE HEROIN, BEFORE THE AGENCY PEOPLE ARRIVE.

Having a person you have never met before into inspect your home and every orifice of it = extremely stressful, having two people you don't know = double the extreme feeling of stress. Total invasion of personal space and privacy, which I 'm not a huge fan of. My home is my sanctuary and my personal private space. I love to entertain and have people over regularly. I assume they are not checking to see if there is an updated ABC brand fire extinguisher hanging in my kitchen and the temperature in my shower is between 105 and 120 degrees. Ours is 109, by the way.

They (L and person assisting/training her, whose name I did not catch) quickly and swiftly went through the checklist and were out in about an hour. Towards the end, they said "Well, it looks good, you passed". Which was kind of a let down, what - no parade? no fanfare? C'mon where is the marching band? We said our Good-bye's and I was about one blink away before I got the crazy eyes going and said. Ok, we'll just remember what a great home this is and please give us your first available child, half joking and half NOT. Thinking "Good Kara, way to act like a psycho". It's all in my mind, the minute we shut the door I asked Duane if I had the crazy going and (like a great husband) said " Of course, not"

So, while I may not be able to celebrate *THIS* Mother's Day this Sunday I find comfort in knowing that I will celebrate Mother's Day 2009, in a very big way. I have a feeling it will be the best one EVER!!!!

The feeling of hope and possibility of parenthood is becoming a reality and honestly, it's been a long time since we have experienced these feelings. A very welcomed change.