Sunday, June 29, 2008
My SD disk in my digicam gave me some FREAKY message about formatting my card and though my instincts were screaming PRESS NO, PRESS NO, what do you think I pressed- why, Yes, I pressed the Yes button and ALL of my freaking pictures that I've taken in the last 6 months are gone URGHHHHH.
My cell phone is acting temperamental, apparently my pink razor did prefer not to be doused in the Pacific ocean.
GAWD - can't a girl catch a break.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
This is head lice
Well hello Mr. Mayor Creepy McCreepister of Creeptasticville....Suddenly, I wish I was looking at Phallic shaped vegetables.
All appeared well at work, looking back it had the eerie quietness and calmness that one finds before a natural calamity or horrific disaster. I was talkin MIIIRACLES with Kate , daydreaming about my 8:00AM appointment at my favorite spa, jetting off to get my yoga on and having the day to flood the local school districts with my bedazzling resume and packet of required information (letter of introduction, CBEST Scores, Resume, Application, 3 letters of references, educational philosophy, there's more -I just can't remember). The Fried Lice Karma came back and bit me hardcore- right in my back, you know, the one that is giving me a slow death whilst making me feel like I'm 98 years old.
The phone rang, my sister in law in her " we have lice again tone" says Hi - I need you to come get little girl, it's back. This short sentence finds me with an increased heart rate and tears welling at my eye sockets. URGHHHHHHH FUCKERS..... Who are the fuckers? The lice, the birth parents, my reproductive organs that have me in this place. I could go on...
I call D, we coordinate - like we are negotiating with terrorists or the release of hostages (which I sometimes feel like) and he heads home, starts washing every blanket, towel, item that he can remember her touching and I leave work to pick up the girls and take them to the doctor. Fast forward to the doctors office and the oh so unhelpful staff who treats people on Medi-cal like dog shit. INFURIATING....... The doctor takes a quick look at little girls head - shakes her had and says nope, no lice again Mom and tries to shoo me out. I grab little girls head and start furiously looking through like an ape frantically picking at it's young's head. I say "SEE - RIGHT THERE". The doctor takes the hair sample and tells me that she'll be right back. She returns a few moments later with crow around her mouth, from which she had just eaten after the large slice of humble pie thrown at her face and drags me to the microscope where I get to see a lice egg sac, with two eggs ready to hatch. Did you throw up in your mouth a little? I just did (again). AAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK. The best part of the experience was picking up some great gangsta lingo from some gangstas who were taking their gangsta-ettes for a yo-yo-yo check her up, for shizzle ma nizzle yo. It was a riot.... Io, I came this close (imagine me holding my fingers close, but not touching) to telling them about the VMB, sharing my sign and singing our song..... Once we got settled in the car, Big girl asked me why they weren't using their manners. I honestly didn't know what to say.
If you are still reading, Thank you and you must have a stomach of steel or find this remotely like a train wreck and just can't take your eyes off of your monitor.
D and I gently set little girl (who was thankfully napping) onto a towel and start removing pieces of hair that have egg sacks attached. I'm still itching and I'm sure that the removed eggs have ALL jumped into my head and are ready to hatch at a moment's notice. While I gave little girl a bath and she screamed bloody murder, which is her favorite thing to do in the bath -I decided to take the opportunity to engage in child's pose, downward facing dog and cat/cow. Moments later the phone rang, D blabs about our agency wanting answers to questions A) how the lice situation is B) No, we can't cut her hair short - which would only make this sooooo much easier and is ultimately birth parents decision C) - My favorite one - birth parents want to know if they can have girls on Fri + Sat next week for the holiday. Before I can respond D runs back into the dining room where Big girl is yanking on her loose tooth and experiencing her consequence to the rampant lying she has engaged in this week.
Sadly, tomorrow will find me: calling the agency to let her know my response to question C - not only no but hell no, doing laundry, combing through hair, doing my own mani/pedi (YIKES) and God willing - getting at least 10 packets of my resume/info, out the door.
I'm in Professor "let me bore you out of your ever loving mind's" class and better return to taking notes and figure out what I'm going to have for dinner. I bet you can guess at what I won't be eating for awhile.
And because, though I feel beat up, tore up from the floor up and deflated, I hope to restore some positive energy and I leave you with this - my hands are together palms touching, my head is bowed and I say "Namaste - The inner light in me recognizes and honors the inner light in you."
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
MY. BACK. IS. KILLING. ME.
The only position that I'm comfortable in is child's pose, which is really hard to do in my cubicle. I know it's California and all, where we are all uber health conscious, nut and berry eating, yoga loving, peace-filled, hippie liking people, however, yoga positions are not tolerated in the workplace- yet. Personally, I think yoga should be a requirement to start our day, as soon as we get to work. It would make us all feel good, work better and would drastically reduce worker's compensation claims.
I have this Friday off (I work a 9/80 schedule) and have already decided that I'm dropping the girls off at daycare - because I need work on getting resumes out the door so I can fulfill my dream of becoming a teacher. I plan to go to my 9:00 AM Yoga class that I have not participated in for months now, click here to read more about my yoga place - Inland Yoga. I know I will leave feeling refreshed, chakras aligned and all will be right with the world.
One other item, my Teaching & Cultural Diversity class is amazing, fun and just all around the best class I have had so far and the teacher is just too cool for school. Seriously -loving the teacher, good vibe in class with students - it really can't get better. What bites is the other class I'm in is the complete opposite. First, the teacher is the murderer of fun and is teaching us by reading out of the textbook - BORING, Ok - whatever dude, you are the teacher but would it kill you to let us know when you are jumping from Ch 3 to Ch 11 so we aren't spinning our wheels looking for the topic of discussion or the table you are dissecting? Also, the monotone voice in which you speak, not helping to keep us awake and I really cannot keep spending bundles of $$$ at Starbucks on latte's to keep me awake. It's Psychology for Christ-sake's, quite the interesting topic. Make it fun or at least, make it interesting.
YAY - No school tonight.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I came home Friday night from work exhausted, Duane and I fed the girls, gave them a bath and put them straight to bed. It was actually kind of depressing. Saturday morning at the crack of dawn's a$$ we woke up at 5:30 AM, got ourselves ready and got the girls up at 6:00. We got them ready in RECORD time and we were out the door at 6:40 AM for our 7:00 AM drop off to birth parents. To say we were apprehensive would be an understatement.
We dropped off the girls and for the first time while we were sad the girls weren't with us, we actually did not cry as we left the parking lot. This is a pretty huge step for us, we usually sob (both of us) as we leave the shopping center. It was really kind of weird. D looked at me and said - you should go spend the day at the Spa and I think I'm going to hire someone to paint the fence. It's hot and we should treat ourselves, we worked really hard this week. He didn't have to twist my arm. I went home, vacuumed and washed my car and got a massage appointment and ran down to the spa at the Mission Inn, check it out here. As an aside - I can promise you if I EVER, I mean when, not if - I win the lotto or become a gazallionare I will be putting a eucalyptus steam room in my house, after I adopt all of the kids in the world, give a boatload of money to fund research for Infertility, Cancer, Aids and the Democratic Party. The one part about this spa that I truly, truly love is the Eucalyptus steam room. For someone who is prone to allergies and rarely gets to inhale clean air - this is SUCH a treat. I could spend all day in that steam room. Hey does anyone remember the episode on Charlie's Angels when someone gets locked in the dry steam room? Ok, I digressed enough. The massage was delightful and the masseuse was able to work out some kinks in my upper back, neck and shoulders which is where all of my stress ends up. After three hours of pretending I was a princess I decided it was time to get back to reality and met D for lunch. I spent the remainder of the day studying and D and I enjoyed our day. It was reminiscent of our life before the girls, which was not all that bad.
While working on a bibliography for my Teaching and Cultural diversity class, I came across this book about a very young Martin Luther King Jr., written by his sister. It's a beautiful book about the prolific civil rights leader as a young child, a viewpoint we really have never seen before. It's very difficult to not get teary-eyed while reading this treasure.
Dad + Ella ( my niece)
Cole + Tricia
Friday, June 20, 2008
1) Mama mia commercial reminds me that I have a mad hot crush on Pierce Brosnan. He must do botox or maybe its all that clean hippy living in Hawaii?
2) Our high today is supposed to reach 113 degrees - welcome to the surface of the sun....
3) I *HEART* google reader, I need to stop typing Goggle reader though.
4) My husband, while he is the love of my life, cannot multi-task to save his life.
5) If gas prices get any higher I WILL buy the vespa that I've always wanted. I wonder if they have a hybrid?
6) Movie recommendation - God grew tired of us, it's a must see. We watched it in my Teaching & Cultural Diversity class last night and it was quite moving. Made me want to go to Africa and adopt all the young children there.
7) I tweaked my back and I have no good reason - it might have something to do with picking up and putting down a 40 # toddler?
8) R.I.P. Tim Russert.
9) Secretly wept when my sister in law told me that my nephew asked Big Girl to marry him. She had to remind him that she was only in his life temporarily - ok I might have paraphrased that a bit, you get the point though. We are all working to help my nephew understand this concept.
10) My 100th post came and went -I forgot to celebrate. This might be a reason to crack open a bottle of wine tonight. I have not had a glass since Sunday.... Speaking of which - will be mailing wine to both Kate and Io, hoping they do not think of me as the world's biggest flake.
What's on your mind today?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Finally, California gets it right and allows same sex marriage. My co-worker and his partner made their union legit, which left us all teary-eyed. They were the first one's at our County office and the entire department was invited to watch. We cheered them on as they were issued the very first marriage certificate and more cheers followed once the vows were exchanged.
Talk about being a witness to something truly beautiful!
See entire article here http://www.pe.com/localnews/inland/stories/PE_News_Local_S_webmarriage18.1cc7d7d.html
Monday, June 16, 2008
We knew when we started the process the courts were pushing for reunification. Unfortunately, with that trend the standards of parenting are being lowered and with that the child is the one that suffers - ultimately so do we, as a society. There is a hearing for women’s and children’s issues this week, right down the hall from where I work and I’ve been tempted to write something in regards to the foster care system.
I just can't find the time to be an activist this week. :-(
Sunday, June 15, 2008
The major mood enhancer was seeing the VMB blog. A group of KICK-ASS IF - chick-a dees all going through the same shit that I'm going through! Sisterhood - EFFING ROCKS!!!! If I hadn't spent 6o bucks on my very expensive Wacoal bra I would be burning it right now.
This is my kind of club - because while Infertility took away my chances of concieving naturally it didn't take my sense of belonging, my dignity or my humor. DAMMIT!
And now for my initiation checklist- this is sooo exciting, love it!!
Figure out a gang name for yourself. Mrs. Bitter Be-otch
Take a pic of yourself (or just your hands) flashing the gang sign - middle fingers up, hands crossed at the wrists into a V and post it on your blog. See Below.
Put the Vet button on somewhere on their blog (either in a single post or in the sidebar).Done.
Tell a story about the crappiest thing a Fertile ever said to you or something else vent-worthy. Too many to list but I will come up with one good one.
Add your name and the permalink to your Initiation Post to the comments of this post. Done .
Visit at least 5 other VMB's and give 'em a shout out by commenting on their blog and linking to them on yours. Will do.
Come back here and comment on this post with your gang name and a permalink to your initiation post on your blog. Done.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Yes, reunification is anticipated and though we knew this could happen I don't think I could ever be prepared to say Good bye. The hurt reminds me of a combination of the crushing heart-ache produced by the break up of my very first "real" boyfriend and the pain I felt when my Grandmother passed away. The agency still does not have a court day but they are thinking it is going to be 6 months from the day of removal which would be July 2nd. I can only hope the next 2 weeks fly right by. I need to move on. I'm numb.
We received this information at our weekly meeting today with our agency and were told that overnight visits will soon follow the 12 hour visit that will start Sunday. The court will more than likely not be concerned about the mom and dad not having a job because - hey - this is why we have Welfare. The cycle of poverty is strong in this family and here was our chance to put a break the cycle. My favorite part of the conversation was when they stated that our "allegations of neglect were unfounded". This is from the results of the 12 hour visit that initiated a call to the emergency DPSS hotline number. Our agency also asked us ( kind of in a snotty way, I might add) that all complaints must go through the agency. Whatever....
I had the lovely privilege of enrolling little girl in the WIC program, a humbling experience. There were two really nice ladies sprinkled through the crackheads. I was called out of the meeting to find (this is actually quite funny) a group of employees standing around the front desk who all had a million County retirement questions (the team I work for) as they had been given the 411 from the chick who interviewed/enrolled little girl and had to get my job information.
I've learned volumes from this experience both about the system and myself. I've found deep levels of disappointment which has led to sadness, regarding both.
Your recent comments have gotten me through these tough times and I'm so thankful for you all. I'm turning off comments, I need a break to get over feeling sorry for myself, get my shit together and pick up the pieces of this crumbled mess. D and I are working on our new game plan.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
We have our weekly meeting with agency wherein I will convey my frustrations and talk about our next plan (after these girls get reunited - it's going to happen) we will only consider children whose parents have terminated legal rights. Also, next time we will think with our heads and not our hearts - gets us into trouble each and every time. We are also considering private adoption and of course the $$$ side is a deterrent from that option.
I can't believe I'm about to type this, Duane and I also discussed living without children ( I hate how that sounds) ok one more time - living child-free (ok, not good either we are super close to my neice and nephew and mentor my cousin's daughter). I don't know what to call it - living without kids we are legally responsible for (not liking that either) you catch my drift? I will always have children in my life, I plan to become a teacher so it's not like I won't have any children around.
My other highlight was getting scratched on the neck and bit, courtesy of little girl this evening. The agency will document this tomorrow.
URGHHH - stop the madness, stop the world from spinning and let me off.
WHAT - is the word I wanted to scream into the phone. I calmly and gently reminded them that no, indeed that was not a recommendation as we had a discussion with "L" another agency contact and reminded her that we are actively involved in my niece and nephews lives on a daily basis with many over night visits so there was no need for us to complete respite care. I cannot articulate how frustrated I'm at this very moment.
Part of me, wants the birth parents to get their shit together so I don't become further attached to these two little darlings the other part of me wants to run down the street screaming.
Torn, bummed, deflated and feeling a bit depressed.
I knew this could happen but I had no idea how I was going to handle it and know I just want to be done. I have to remember that we are making a positive and indelible mark on their life.
Monday, June 9, 2008
I was tagged for a meme, as someone earlier stated - I like anything with the word "me" in it.
This meme was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. Apparently, Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.” The book is a compilation of similar 6 word stories. This meme challenges us to do the same:
1. Write your own six word memoir.
A life complete with beautiful moments.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like. Hmm, I will have to pass on this portion, sorry :-(.
3. Link to the person who tagged you - the faboulousness that is Kate
4. Tag 5 more bloggers - Here are my 5 - Jules, Ally, Amanda, Emily and Candice
5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play - Check.
On the homefront...
I know I should be enjoying every free moment (HAHAHAHA) left of this bonding time but I have to vent about something -
If I have to watch the movie Enchanted one more time - I might try to make a dress out of my chocolate brown crushed velvet drapes and tra-la-la through the park asking out loud "How do you know that you love her?" all the while searching for my true love's kiss (d). Big girl is HOOKED on this movie and while we are not fans of the tv acting as a babysitter, she only wants to watch the parts while they are dancing. Duane waltzed with her in the living room this evening while I pounded the keyboard looking for ballet classes for our tiny dancer.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
A view from the the hammock in my mom's backyard. I love this spot, this was certainly my favorite moment for today.
We spent the afternoon with my mom, Sunday's are notoriously difficult for her as we used to always have big family dinners but lingered throughout the day in and out of the house, making all kinds of noise. Though my parents divorced several years ago, quiet Sunday's are difficult as she longs for the noise or rather the family that made the noise.
My mom next to her favorite tree. Duane and big girl are in the background playing.I'm still struggling (and will continue to do so) with the whole parenting thing. Here's the deal - this foster parent situation reminds me of attending our my first boy/girl dance in the 8th grade. I SLOW danced with a boy (disappointed that he didn't try to kiss me), hung out with the total BAD girl who pilfered some Vodka and dared me to try it (c'mon - I'm Irish, I already had tasted Peppermint Schnapps the year before - YUCK) and I can still remember that I thought my throat was going to ignite as I swallowed the stuff - straight. I wanted to be an adult that night so bad that I could taste it, well - not after my taste buds died from the vodka but nevertheless it was a night where I felt like an adult, wanted to do adult things and then was picked up by my mom and dad sometime that evening to return home and face reality - I was in 8th grade and there would be no kind of adult antics that night.
Parenting these two girls reminds me a lot of that night. I feel like a mom, I'm called a mom but I know that I'm not a mom on paper - only in their hearts and it's possibly a temporary label. That is a tough pill for control-freak Kara to swallow. I hope/wish/pray that birth parents recover from their addiction as that is not something I would wish on anyone. On the other hand, we have an opportunity to break a cycle and provide resources and opportunities that will change these girls lives forever.
Big Girl's hands and feet
Little girl running away from me, her favorite activity.
People tell me all the time that they like like they could me mine, strangers might possibly think they are mine...
Little girl's hands and feet - she is rockin the flamingo swimsuit.
I think about the role models and people of distinction who have left a imprint on my soul and how these individuals are the go-to's for me when I have a big decision, need guidance or just need some direction. I would be lost without them but know one day I will face a time where they will not be here and I will have to imagine what they would say. I guess I will know in my heart what they would say and hope they will guide me from a distant place. I can only hope these girls will remember today and the love we all felt.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
She may have lost the party nomination for President but she is not a loser in my eyes. I will, of course, be supporting Obama because God knows we will be going to hell in a hand basket if we have McCain.
Just my opinion.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Hope everyone is well and my love to you all.
Thank you for the support!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Here's the thing, I'm PMS'ing hardcore and when she started to cry today it took everything I had not to cry also. I also wanted to cry ( and stick my head in the oven) when she purposely poked me in the eye (it's ok, I'm laughing now - feel free, get a good chuckle) and called me a bully while we were in Ralph's, oh and she was screaming Mama in a different tone than what she calls me which is like a million little daggers into my heart because I'm not the Mama she is screaming for.
Big girl wanted to remind me (as we were driving home from the spending $300 bucks on clothes for her and her sister at Old Navy) that Renee the social worker stated the girls may go back home in July. Urghhhh. Big Girl has a few intense speech and language challenges, for instance her problems with syntax are so common, today she stated "we go back home in July maybe, Er-nae said we maybe". Big Girl's summer school is paid for at a nice Catholic school here in town and we are going to work on getting her caught up.
We have our meeting with our agency social worker tomorrow and a support group meeting on June 19th - YAHOOOOOO.
I'm looking forward to going to Big Girls school tomorrow where she will receive the citizen of the month award and Duane an I will be there to greet her with balloons and flowers.
Suddenly, things are looking brighter.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Ok, back to socks - these girls came with 3 or 4 huge garbage bags full of clothes (and a few toys) and have about 3 outfits that fit. Apparently, the first foster mom - let's call her "ffm" did not like washing socks or underwear because honestly - these kids have about 100 pairs of socks and Big girl has close to 50 pairs of under-lovelies. Washing, drying and matching socks have pretty much sent me over the edge - death by socks. I'm so tired of looking at socks..... Ok thanks for letting me whine.
I watched SATC today with my IRL BFF Jules , my mom and several other ladies who all happen to be huge fans of the show. I'm not sure if there was something with the format ( Do we need to see SJP mole on her chin? It's kind of gross and I like my movie stars to be glamorous but hey - that is just me) or maybe the transition from 1/2 hour series to 2 hour movie was just weird to me? What was REALLY upsetting from being an infertile is when Charlotte gets pregnant and her doctor (yes, they wrote the following in the script) said- it would happen as soon as they adopted and stopped trying (or something to that effect). So, tell me - people who wrote the script for the SATC movie - You couldn't throw a rock in your circle of friends and hit someone in the head who has not dealt with infertility? Disappointing, very disappointing and somewhat offensive.
I've said my peace.