Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The limbo that is life.....

I'm in a weird place right now.

I have no (good) reason to complain about my life - especially after hearing the latest reports about the earthquake in China ( that could so easily happen ANY day here in CA, did I mention I work in a 14 story high rise?) and lack of aid to the people of Myanmar or the people who have experienced the tornado's and inclement weather around various parts of our own country. Our weather was a blasting 95 today. Which is fine if you are inside and a total bitch when you have to exert any energy outside.

I participated in a rally for teachers that have been given pink slips for San Bernardino County this evening. Our instructor was one of the organizers of the rally, I might have a little bit of a crush on him. OK, actually he reminds me of my Male BFF in high school who I had a huge crush on and I think there in lies the connection. I think it's a continuation or reminder of my very first crush and by crush I'm not exaggerating, crushed my heart when our friendship ended 8 years ago. That is a whole other post. The rally was inspiring, solidarity and people uniting for the same cause, teachers who normally have no kind of kudos and support getting honks and waves of support at one of the busiest intersections in San Bernardino. I should have been more excited to be there - this is totally my kind of thing. Why couldn't I just enjoy the moment for what it was instead of over- analyzing it? I was uncomfortable, felt out of my element and not connected.

The snag...... I felt like a fraud. Ok, maybe fraud is too strong. How about Limbo? I'm experiencing some serious limbo in my life and it's just like the dance, awkward, uncomfortable, painful and unpleasant. I don't like limbo. I need stability, I thrive on knowing or thinking I know what is around the next corner.

My limbo-esque feelings circle around my career change. I'm not yet a teacher, I'm going to school to become a teacher and hope that I get a contract for next year the fact of the matter is that I'm NOT a teacher. Stress of the impending **CSET (scheduled for this Saturday), student observing not yet scheduled for this Friday, homework that should have been done instead of going to Cancun and a list of projects that have not been started and should be nearing completion.

Totally overwhelmed. I know - it's life. It's my blog and I need to whine a bit.

**Studying for the CSET is kind of like studying for Jeopardy, alot like collecting random facts and figures and hoping that one of the 80 gazillon things you *tried* to remember actually pops in your head at the right time.


Jules said...

I'm in the same boat with you. Not the CSET--I think I've taken enough standardized tests in my life, thank you--but with being overwhelmed. I just don't seem to have enough hours in the day.

Sigh. Why are you up so late? We get up at the same time in the mornings (usually) but at least I don't have to face people (adults) until 9am!

Anonymous said...

I don't have much to say except to cheer you on with the CSET! Good luck!

kate said...

gerblin' dingdang blogger ate my comment.

What I was gonna say is that you are going to rock the emtherefking CSET.

And limbo does suck, but you're on a path out of limbo, right? Light at the end of the tunnel and all?

Emily said...

Ah Kara ... I'm sure you'll do your absolute best. I have faith in you! As for needing to whine? What good is having a blog if you can't whine?!

Hugs to you Kara ... just think of some old school Duran Duran (circa "Rio" days and before) and all should be good!

Barb said...

I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way at this point, and you are certainly entitled to give vent to those feelings.