Sunday, June 8, 2008

Hiatus -Scmi-atus

Ok, the homework is *obviously* not getting done.

I had to share the great day we had, filled with all too many spectacular summer, sun-kissed, watermelon tasting moments topped off by having PERFECT weather with no smog and a blue sky.

A view from the the hammock in my mom's backyard. I love this spot, this was certainly my favorite moment for today.

We spent the afternoon with my mom, Sunday's are notoriously difficult for her as we used to always have big family dinners but lingered throughout the day in and out of the house, making all kinds of noise. Though my parents divorced several years ago, quiet Sunday's are difficult as she longs for the noise or rather the family that made the noise.

My mom next to her favorite tree. Duane and big girl are in the background playing.

I'm still struggling (and will continue to do so) with the whole parenting thing. Here's the deal - this foster parent situation reminds me of attending our my first boy/girl dance in the 8th grade. I SLOW danced with a boy (disappointed that he didn't try to kiss me), hung out with the total BAD girl who pilfered some Vodka and dared me to try it (c'mon - I'm Irish, I already had tasted Peppermint Schnapps the year before - YUCK) and I can still remember that I thought my throat was going to ignite as I swallowed the stuff - straight. I wanted to be an adult that night so bad that I could taste it, well - not after my taste buds died from the vodka but nevertheless it was a night where I felt like an adult, wanted to do adult things and then was picked up by my mom and dad sometime that evening to return home and face reality - I was in 8th grade and there would be no kind of adult antics that night.

Big Girl's hands and feet

Parenting these two girls reminds me a lot of that night. I feel like a mom, I'm called a mom but I know that I'm not a mom on paper - only in their hearts and it's possibly a temporary label. That is a tough pill for control-freak Kara to swallow. I hope/wish/pray that birth parents recover from their addiction as that is not something I would wish on anyone. On the other hand, we have an opportunity to break a cycle and provide resources and opportunities that will change these girls lives forever.

Little girl running away from me, her favorite activity.

People tell me all the time that they like like they could me mine, strangers might possibly think they are mine...

Little girl's hands and feet - she is rockin the flamingo swimsuit.

I think about the role models and people of distinction who have left a imprint on my soul and how these individuals are the go-to's for me when I have a big decision, need guidance or just need some direction. I would be lost without them but know one day I will face a time where they will not be here and I will have to imagine what they would say. I guess I will know in my heart what they would say and hope they will guide me from a distant place. I can only hope these girls will remember today and the love we all felt.


CandiceM said...

you poor thing! It's tough to want what's best for someone else when it goes against what you want! You will be in my thoughts!

Io said...

I'm glad you had such a nice weekend. The dance is a good analogy - but just remember, you went to more dances and got to high school and eventually you got to *be* an adult. Even if *this* particular dance ends, there will be another one. And I KNOW that one of them, if not this one, ends up sticking with you.

kate said...

I *know* they will remember this day. Even if they are reunified with their parents, they will have been your children, if only for a while. You have already irrevocably made an impact on these girls. And it is such a weird spot to be in, hoping that their parents get to be as healthy as possible, but still surely hoping that you will have as much time as possible with these very cool little girls.

Ally said...

Oh, Kara, what a post. I don't really know what to say. I wish I could offer you assurances that your little girls would be with you forever. It would be such a good, good place for them to stay.

As someone who sees children on the other side of the fence, I cannot thank you enough for what you are doing for little girl and big girl right now. Your love and bravery are tremendous. Your love and influence will stay with them forever, regardless of what happens in the future.

Amanda said...

Aww, I feel you... it's so hard. Just try to take it one day at a time - and believe me, I know that's WAY easier said than done.

Emily (Apron Strings) said...

Oh Kara ... in my mind and in my heart, you are their mom. Even if it isn't "official."

You and Duane are having a profound effect on the girls. Right now. Today. And even though they might not realize it at this moment, I know that one day they will look back at their time (whether permanent or not) with much love.