Tuesday, August 19, 2008


My infertility war wound must have grown more callous... I just got news that a co-worker is PG and I didn't have a complete and total break-down. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I worry though, does this mean I'm releasing the dream to become a parent? Am I Ok with that? I'm good with kids - main reason I'm switching careers to become a teacher. Will teaching quench the thirst of parenting? Will I have enough exposure to children during the day and decide I don't "need" to come home to a child?

I have alot of thinking to do.

We are leaving our profile open with the agency,working on our home improvement list and putting my career change on the front burner ( HELLO, CSET- I'm gonna kick your ass on 09/13). It could be a fleeting moment of clarity, I'll take it. I feel refreshed and ready to make things happen, make things happen that I can control that is.

Our agency contact "E" picked up the notebooks yesterday - YAY, done and out of the house. Not two minutes after "E" left the phone rang and it was stupid therapist lady recommended by the County. Our conversation went a little something like this:
Phone rings
K: Hello.
STLRBTC: Hello, may I please speak with Kara.
K: Yes, how can I help you ( a bit bugged and wondering who the "unknown caller is)?
STLRBTC: Oh, Hello. Are you still fostering*insert BG name here*?
K: Who is this?
STLRBTC: This is therapist crazy pants *insert real name here*
K: What exactly is the purpose of your phone call? (She knows we aren't, she can easily contact the County and find this information from the evil SW)
STLRBTC: I have in my records that I was to contact you - sometime in August, as you were unsure of the girls being reunified and we didn't want to start this process if they were going to be reunified.
K: (In my mind- WTF Crazy pants, you flip-flopped back and forth about whether or not you were going to see her and had me completely confused) If my memory serves me, you stated that you would follow up with them once they were reunified because the Social Worker was recommending reunification.

STLRBTC: So are you saying they were reunified, because once they are reunified my side is done and I can close their file.
K: Yes, they are reunified and might I suggest (sounding like the world's biggest bitch) that you follow up with your friend "R" ( the evil SW from the County and yes, they happen to be friends IRL, or so crazy pants stated in the last phone call) to continue therapy.
STLRBTC: As I just said, once they are reunified my side is done.
K: Well, I would recommend that you follow up because both of those girls are going to need a boatload of therapy for what they have been through.
STLRBTC: Well, I will be the judge of that.
K: I thought you just said you are going to close their file? Are you or are you not going to see them? (Sounding again like a complete and total bitch)
K: Slam phone down on counter repeatedely while screaming profanity.
People - please quit effing with my head, puuuuuuhlease. It's my birthday week for G-d sake!
Why do I let people get to me. I felt like in a matter of 20 minutes - between the notebooks leaving and the phone call that I was spiraling down a deep, dark hole. All I wanted was a big chocolate chip cookie - Dam South Beach diet, I hate you. Actually, I hate my the size of my ass. Let's be truthful.


Barb said...

Ugh. blah. sigh.

And you're right. Who could really hate a chocolate chip cookie? It's the most perfect food in the world. Can you tell the fact that I now CAN'T have one is making me slightly obsessed?

Bri said...

I have a strong desire to tell (beg)you not to release your dream of becoming a parent, but that isn't fair. You have to make your choices based on your heart, but I will tell you that I admire your strength, courage and ability to speak your mind - and I think all those things are great qualities for a parent!

Io said...

Ug - crazypants is crazy yo.

I doubt you're releasing you dream - I think sometimes it just doesn't hurt as much. And I think right now you are healing and need time to recover so your mind is protecting itself...blahblahpsychobabble blah.

I hope your home improvement goes well - that's what Al is supposed to do while he's not working.

Emily (Apron Strings) said...

WTF? Why call you about this? Seems so ridiculous and I woulda thought perhaps with the nature of her profession, she should be contacting the agency rather than you. Weird.

As far as letting your dream go ... I think that's furthest from the truth. And I so agree with Io above. Sometimes downtime is good; gets you charged up for the "next round" of whatever that may be. When you're ready, both you and Duane will know ... I have faith in you! :-)

Ally said...

Um, wow. That's a hugely incompetent therapist, eh? Too bad you got to be the one to call her out on her ridiculousness.

Only you know where you are in the middle of your journey. You may decide that yes, it's truly come time to let things go or you may decide, like Io points out, that this is a fantastic time to take a break and recharge before running the next race.

Wherever you are, you've got lots of love and support.

kate said...

Ah, dude. WTF!!!! I *would* say that you should get all indignant and righteous about the type of care that the girls should be receiving and give that therapist an earful, except that you'd be doing that non-stop around the clock with every single person from top to bottom at that agency if you truly allowed yourself to get as worked up as one should about the care of children, so it would end up being a full time job- and who wants to be a full-time-bitcher-outer? It sounds like that might be a fun job for a while, but eventually, it'd get stressful, I think.

Once again, I commend your stand-up-ness. I would have lost my everlovin' mind LONG ago in your process. You truly are a much fucking better person than I could ever hope to be.

I am sorry that this process has left you reconsidering the outcome of a non-parent future. I mean, I'm not sorry that you're thinking, 'cos we IFers are nothing if not bad-ass ponder-ers, but all the same, it sucks that a shitty agency seems to have forced you to a place where you might feel like you can't take this kind of crap. Of course, maybe it's not the agency that made you feel this way, but just the natural progression of time spent as an IFer. So sucky, but there it is, right?

I am glad, though, that the result of your thinking is a moment (however brief) of clarity and control. That always feels so nice.

And YES. You are so gonna kick the shit out of that CSET. I will mark it on my calendar so I can send extra-special ass-kicking vibes your way on that day!

Emily (Apron Strings) said...

Hey Lady! I hope that this lack of posting means that you've been having a happy week-long celebration for your birthday!

Just wanted to stop by to wish you a Happy Birthday and to say that 36 is going to be a much better year that 35 ... for both of us!!

Hugs, girl. I've been thinking of ya!