Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Giving Thanks

Throughout the day, today, thoughts of those two sweet peas who entered our lives last Spring were everywhere. Thoughts scatter throughout our lives - weaved in and out of each day, here and there. Some details are small, some trigger memories that are quite large - almost overwhelming. Today was one a day of the latter.

The holidays are kid-centric times coupled with the fact that I just spent all of last weekend moving the office stuff out of their room. I still call it *the girls' room* and probably will for sometime.

I worry about how - this - here, depth of sadness feels and hope that by Christmas we are strong and brave to not miss out on all of the gifts our life is giving us.

Talking to a good friend tonight, I had to choke back tears and focus on my voice not shaking as I explained how I missed them - painfully. This conversation occured as I was inching my car through the crowded parking lot where I visit our Trader Joe's weekly, where we took them often to the Japanese restaurant, where I carried lg who had a fever into Walgreens, the parking lot where BG took note about all of the kids and parents out one sunny day- then squeezed my hand. Those are memories that cause pain and thankfulness.

Recently, D's best friend was in town visiting from Santa Cruz and wanted to see pictures of the girls. He got to hear us ramble on, complain, laugh and contemplate parenting. In the end, that is an aspect that so many of us look forward to - connecting with our closest friends and family about sharing our life with a child. Look - we did it too! Finally! We can do it - even though it was on a temporary basis. I have kept the photos in a special envelope but I think it might be time to place them in a nice scrapbook. I am sure it would help with some aspects of closure.

Sometimes I think we jumped too fast - with our agency, with saying yes on the day we were approved and then I remember - it wasn't jumping fast, it was jumping and thinking with our heart. Right now, I am thankful for those two sweet peas that entered our lives and help me see more of the charming, humorous, loving and sensitive side of the man in my life.


Dora said...

So hard. I can't imagine how painful it must be knowing in your heart (and I believe it, too) that they were better off with you. I wish I had words to make it easier.

Anonymous said...

Oh honey - you made me cry reading this - I can't even imagine how you feel. I don't know if I could have put myself in the position you did - you are an incredible woman with a gigantic heart.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and Duane. xoxo

Karen said...

I can only imagine what you're feeling as you grieve the loss of these two little girls from your life. I'm so sorry. I wish I had words that could console you, but I'm sure nothing I have to say is up to that task. I admire that you can still feel thankful for the girls even though the experience has caused you so much pain. I don't know if I could be as strong and open-hearted as you have been.

Io said...

Kara, I know how hard this is for you. But you are right when you realize how much beauty and love you got from that period of time. Your heart didn't mislead you.