Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Reality

Day to day I don't think about *our girls*, instead thoughts pop in and out of my head in flashback mode. I guess the constant stream of flashbacks started during the week of Halloween because it's such a kid-centered holiday which also coincided to D picking up little girls car seat from my brothers house. Ryan and Tricia had a car seat in case they needed to transport all the kids while they were providing day care last summer. Anyway, back to Halloween - I started to think of what their costumes would be or contemplate on whether they even had costumes.

When we decided to paint/tile our home office we moved every piece of furniture, book and paper into the girls' room. I was happy to close the door on that room when guests came over - before our home improvement project and after the girls were reunified, it just looked so stark, empty and lifeless. So, the office has been completed for weeks now and I have used every excuse in the book to not step foot in the girls room - until today. I knew it would be tough... I had no idea I would bite my lip - so hard it bled- to fight back tears when I came across the following:

School papers with Big Girl's writing

A birthday card from Bio-Grandparents to little girl

Paperwork from the agency about getting approved for this process

Empty child size hangers in the closet

The diaper bag I used for little girl

I could go on... but I need to go to sleep. I am exhausted - mentally, physically - everything. Wednesday we go to a dinner hosted by our agency to celebrate National Adoption Month and we will be attending with our brave faces and torn hearts. I feel like I am at the very end of the frayed rope watching it unravel as our chances to parent decrease daily. Still no call for a placement.

Some good news... I spent Saturday driving all over San Diego getting items for my Grandpa and helping him to get settled. I arrived at his new place at 9:00 AM, he had just finished breakfast. I asked how it was, he replied it was great - "pancakes", he chimed, in an upbeat manner. Before I could comment and focus on his positive tone he then whined about the room being filled with a bunch of octogenarians. I sighed. He's 83, BTW. We put together a list of some things he needed like Scope, paper towels, dove soap - some of his favorite things and I got to check out his new place. He was in a temporary setting until his furniture arrived. My cousin Nichole and I ran to Target and we were commenting on how other residents had decorated their doors with personalized items. His neighbors hung fall-like wreaths and other little knick-knack things, very reminiscent of a college dorm. This is kind of funny because we were picking up dorm-like basics - minus the keg. Once we returned to Kappa Kappa Grandpa we joined other aunts, uncles and cousins to help unload and get him settled. The staff was really nice, firm but nice, the place is super clean and looks like an upscale hotel and his peers seem really nice. Other residents would smile and wave as we walked down the hallway. His new environment is more physically appropriate and there is a level of care associated. The staff comes by to "clean" his room in the morning (make sure he up and moving) then in the early afternoon they come by to remind him about dinner. It will be much easier to visit him in this environment, my only hope is that he embraces this change and as we know - change is difficult and often painful, especially when it involves the loss of personal independence.
I start school tomorrow night, the break was just too quick and I have Tuesday (Veteran's Day) and Friday (my 9/80) off. YIPPEE!
Make it great week :-)


Barb said...

So sorry. :(

Your grandpa sounds great though!

kate said...

Oh, Kara-
I'm so sorry that you're having reminders of your loss of the girls. I am sure that it comes in waves, and I hope that soon, those waves grow smaller and farther apart.

It sounds like your grandpa is settling in well- your Kappa Kappa Grandpa comment cracked me up!

Enjoy your Tuesday and Friday off- I wish I had a day or two off right about now! Boo for being busy!

Dora said...

OUCH! I can only imagine how those things of the girls must have torn you apart.

Io said...

Oh honey. My heart is just breaking for you reading this. I wish I could close that door for you, but I know that would just be a bandaid on a gaping wound anyways.
Good luck getting though dinner on Wednesday.
I hope your Grandpa settles in okay. The place sounds nice - my grandmother went through a couple places before she found one that really worked for her, so I hope your grandpa makes friends and lieks his new home.

Anonymous said...

I love the visual image of you buying dorm supplies for your Grandpa!

I'm so sorry for you having to dig through all the reminders of the girls.

Good luck tomorrow night at the dinner - i'll be thinking of you...

Emily (Apron Strings) said...

Kappa Kappa Grandpa ... I love it ...

I know I've been out of it lately, but you are constantly in my thoughts, Kara. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and wonder how you're doing.

I wish I could make things better for you, help you close that door. Except, as we both know ... only we can do it for ourselves.

I'm here for you though. Even if you need a break from leaning up against the door to push it close.

Bridget McGee said...

I have decided to get the grandparents Christmas gifts this year, and I already got grandma's. I couldn't think of anything to get grandpa, but after thinking for a while I decided on a little beta fish for his place. Do you think this is a good idea, or no?