Regarding the title of this post...Nope, I am not referring to Halloween...It's just life on Planet Infertility and awhile back our very own Queen of the Stirrups spoke about blog posts that reflect the very essence, the very blood and bones of what we are going through. I believe this comment was in reference to choosing a post for L' annual Creme de la Creme.
The man, the myth, the legend...
I have, quite obviously, digressed here. My point being - I racked my big ol'brain trying to find a Creme de la Creme worthy post. A discovery was made or rather revelation. The problem is that before this blog I had a medical update sort of blog through a company by the name of Carepage. When I started Becoming parents, I decided to delete my carepage. I started a blog to find a network of women who were/are going through the same thing with the goal being to give and get support. Now, if you read my carepage, it was mostly close friends and family commenting in a more structured format. Meaning... I could see who *exactly* was reading my carepage, on what date they viewed in a very user friendly format and while I didn't write for my audience I was sure not to drop any F bombs in fear of giving my Grandfather a heart attack..
So, I say this because- I realized when it came to looking for my personal creme post that in my first year of blogging I was not giving much blood and bones for two reasons A) I wasn't sure who from the carepage audience was reading my blog (yep, I did a silly thing and posted my new blog address on my carepage right before I deleted it) and B) I didn't want to seem completely depressed or out of my ever-loving mind.
To my family members that I have given this link to - please keep reading and feel free to comment or email me. I love that I can connect to you through this blog.
Let me be even clearer when I say this:
To those of you (who I know IRL or read the carepage) who did not gain the link to my blog from me, no longer speak to me on a regular basis or have found this blog accidentally please know that this is my own little piece of Internet community and is my personal journal of a painful part of my life. I will be posting much more blood and guts in the future and will not edit it for any potential audience that might be reading. In fact, I would just rather you delete my blog link from your favorite list and pick up the telephone instead of you really feel the need to know what is going on in my life.
To my bloggy friends - Thank you for your unending support, we have an amazing community here and I promise to be both a better blogger and commenter in 2009.
Whew, so I got that off of my chest. Now onto my craptas-tic appointment with the best OB/GYN doctor EVAH!!!!! So, Mel had posted about going in for her annual appt with the *fun* doctor and it reminded me that I was LONG overdue. Yesterday morning I phoned Kaiser to see if I could get in for this phlegmy, hacking cough (today marks day 3, BTW) and my primary was not available and they suggested I go into urgent care. Thankfully, I remembered the other (and most important) reason for calling - to schedule the dreaded appointment. The nice Kaiser operator stated that my doctor just had an appointment cancellation and there was a 4:00 PM time slot available FOR.THAT.DAY. My response was less than enthusiastic and I dragged my phlegmy hacking cough into Kaiser hoping they would take one look at me and say - you are not well enough to have a pap done and instead we will be hooking you up to an IV of grape Gatorade in hopes of quenching your unending thirst you have for anything liquid and Anthony Bourdain will be here to spoon feed you your mom's famous home-made mashed potatoes that you have been begging her to make.
Doctor R walked in and immediately asked why my last visit was in 2006 and I hadn't been in to see her. I started to explain that I had gone through the infertility program and figured my organs had enough action going on that I had some sort of IF reprieve. We laughed about internal sonograms and I joked that I learned more about my body than I ever wanted to.
And here is where the appt (and I) fell apart. Dr. R is AMAZING, so kind, patient, lets me babble and has an incredible bedside manner. She looked into my eyes and asked, so how did things go with your treatments? It was with such sensitivity and genuine-ness that tears then streamed down my face like rain against a window during a downpour. I gave the list of drugs I was placed on, our pregnancy, our miscarriage, our decision to stop treatments after we hit our personal level of what I like to call "EXTREME BABYMAKING COSTS"and called it quits. She came closer to me and hugged me and it wasn't creepy like - Eeeew a stranger hugging me, it was more like - this sucks and I am really sorry that you had to go through that because I think you would make a seriously Rockin' mom - which in turn, made me sob even harder.
It's that bit of generosity in those moments of falling apart that regain my faith in humanity and mankind or rather womankind.
Regarding the CSET, well after a mostly sleepless night due to my phlegmy hacking cough - resulting in a painful, re-occurring headache -it will be a MIIIIIRRRICLE if I actually passed this thing. The test was held about 45 minutes away so I decided to start my journey with a cup of hot tea. The very kind Barista at Starmillionbucks told me that he would have something fixed for me when I pulled up to the drive thru window after I sat, engine idling and wondering what to order. Keep in mind, my voice currently sounds like Ralph Wiggum's from the Simpson's and sometimes sounds a bit like Marge as well. Superfaboulousbaristaguy stood there with a Grande cup of Chamomile tea and asked if I wanted honey with it. It was the best tasting tea ever. EVER I say, ever. I took the test and read every question through runny eyes and blowing my snot filled nose. I am sure other test takers were pissed but I was not willing to throw away 75 bucks, sleep in and miss the test entirely though it was totally tempting. Instead I will continue to pray nightly for both world peace and for the possibility that Obama will ban this test forever or at least for prospective teachers going into special education.
I returned home and was lovingly forced by DH to lay on the couch for an hour and then we went to one of our fave hole in the wall Mexican restaurants where I nibbled on a ground beef taco, cheese enchilada, rice, beans and abondogas soup. The plate was so hot the waitress had to use hot pad holders and the beans were so yummy and comforting ( oh, lard - how I love thee) I almost asked for seconds.
While I would love to just be a lazy bum and lounge for the rest of today, homework beckons. THREE MORE WEEKS and then this term of school is over. I am going to go put on my P.J.'s. though.
Is it summer yet? I usually don't like when the Santa Ana's invade us however, we are supposed to have weather in the 80's tomorrow which does bring a smile to my face. YAY Summer is on the way and doesn't it seem like just yesterday I was complaining about living on the surface of the sun?