Saturday, January 10, 2009

Blood & Bones

This is going to a long and bumpy post.

Regarding the title of this post...Nope, I am not referring to Halloween...It's just life on Planet Infertility and awhile back our very own Queen of the Stirrups spoke about blog posts that reflect the very essence, the very blood and bones of what we are going through. I believe this comment was in reference to choosing a post for L' annual Creme de la Creme.

Now the term blood and bones automatically makes me think of Anthony Bourdain, it sounds like what he would call the meat section of his cookbook. In fact, I just pulled out his Les Halles cookbook and he does have a chapter with a similar name - Blood and Guts which is even more fitting (especially regarding infertility).

The man, the myth, the legend...

I have, quite obviously, digressed here. My point being - I racked my big ol'brain trying to find a Creme de la Creme worthy post. A discovery was made or rather revelation. The problem is that before this blog I had a medical update sort of blog through a company by the name of Carepage. When I started Becoming parents, I decided to delete my carepage. I started a blog to find a network of women who were/are going through the same thing with the goal being to give and get support. Now, if you read my carepage, it was mostly close friends and family commenting in a more structured format. Meaning... I could see who *exactly* was reading my carepage, on what date they viewed in a very user friendly format and while I didn't write for my audience I was sure not to drop any F bombs in fear of giving my Grandfather a heart attack..

So, I say this because- I realized when it came to looking for my personal creme post that in my first year of blogging I was not giving much blood and bones for two reasons A) I wasn't sure who from the carepage audience was reading my blog (yep, I did a silly thing and posted my new blog address on my carepage right before I deleted it) and B) I didn't want to seem completely depressed or out of my ever-loving mind.

To my family members that I have given this link to - please keep reading and feel free to comment or email me. I love that I can connect to you through this blog.

Let me be even clearer when I say this:

To those of you (who I know IRL or read the carepage) who did not gain the link to my blog from me, no longer speak to me on a regular basis or have found this blog accidentally please know that this is my own little piece of Internet community and is my personal journal of a painful part of my life. I will be posting much more blood and guts in the future and will not edit it for any potential audience that might be reading. In fact, I would just rather you delete my blog link from your favorite list and pick up the telephone instead of you really feel the need to know what is going on in my life.

To my bloggy friends - Thank you for your unending support, we have an amazing community here and I promise to be both a better blogger and commenter in 2009.


Whew, so I got that off of my chest. Now onto my craptas-tic appointment with the best OB/GYN doctor EVAH!!!!! So, Mel had posted about going in for her annual appt with the *fun* doctor and it reminded me that I was LONG overdue. Yesterday morning I phoned Kaiser to see if I could get in for this phlegmy, hacking cough (today marks day 3, BTW) and my primary was not available and they suggested I go into urgent care. Thankfully, I remembered the other (and most important) reason for calling - to schedule the dreaded appointment. The nice Kaiser operator stated that my doctor just had an appointment cancellation and there was a 4:00 PM time slot available FOR.THAT.DAY. My response was less than enthusiastic and I dragged my phlegmy hacking cough into Kaiser hoping they would take one look at me and say - you are not well enough to have a pap done and instead we will be hooking you up to an IV of grape Gatorade in hopes of quenching your unending thirst you have for anything liquid and Anthony Bourdain will be here to spoon feed you your mom's famous home-made mashed potatoes that you have been begging her to make.


Doctor R walked in and immediately asked why my last visit was in 2006 and I hadn't been in to see her. I started to explain that I had gone through the infertility program and figured my organs had enough action going on that I had some sort of IF reprieve. We laughed about internal sonograms and I joked that I learned more about my body than I ever wanted to.

And here is where the appt (and I) fell apart. Dr. R is AMAZING, so kind, patient, lets me babble and has an incredible bedside manner. She looked into my eyes and asked, so how did things go with your treatments? It was with such sensitivity and genuine-ness that tears then streamed down my face like rain against a window during a downpour. I gave the list of drugs I was placed on, our pregnancy, our miscarriage, our decision to stop treatments after we hit our personal level of what I like to call "EXTREME BABYMAKING COSTS"and called it quits. She came closer to me and hugged me and it wasn't creepy like - Eeeew a stranger hugging me, it was more like - this sucks and I am really sorry that you had to go through that because I think you would make a seriously Rockin' mom - which in turn, made me sob even harder.

It's that bit of generosity in those moments of falling apart that regain my faith in humanity and mankind or rather womankind.


Regarding the CSET, well after a mostly sleepless night due to my phlegmy hacking cough - resulting in a painful, re-occurring headache -it will be a MIIIIIRRRICLE if I actually passed this thing. The test was held about 45 minutes away so I decided to start my journey with a cup of hot tea. The very kind Barista at Starmillionbucks told me that he would have something fixed for me when I pulled up to the drive thru window after I sat, engine idling and wondering what to order. Keep in mind, my voice currently sounds like Ralph Wiggum's from the Simpson's and sometimes sounds a bit like Marge as well. Superfaboulousbaristaguy stood there with a Grande cup of Chamomile tea and asked if I wanted honey with it. It was the best tasting tea ever. EVER I say, ever. I took the test and read every question through runny eyes and blowing my snot filled nose. I am sure other test takers were pissed but I was not willing to throw away 75 bucks, sleep in and miss the test entirely though it was totally tempting. Instead I will continue to pray nightly for both world peace and for the possibility that Obama will ban this test forever or at least for prospective teachers going into special education.

I returned home and was lovingly forced by DH to lay on the couch for an hour and then we went to one of our fave hole in the wall Mexican restaurants where I nibbled on a ground beef taco, cheese enchilada, rice, beans and abondogas soup. The plate was so hot the waitress had to use hot pad holders and the beans were so yummy and comforting ( oh, lard - how I love thee) I almost asked for seconds.

While I would love to just be a lazy bum and lounge for the rest of today, homework beckons. THREE MORE WEEKS and then this term of school is over. I am going to go put on my P.J.'s. though.


Is it summer yet? I usually don't like when the Santa Ana's invade us however, we are supposed to have weather in the 80's tomorrow which does bring a smile to my face. YAY Summer is on the way and doesn't it seem like just yesterday I was complaining about living on the surface of the sun?


kate said...

Yeah. I sometimes eliminate the blood and bones of my posts because I don't know exactly who reads and when they read. There are things I want to talk about, but do I really want my non-IF friends who have found me there to bring it up the next time I see them (like what happened a week ago with my awesome friend C)? I mean, how can you explain to someone you know and care about that you'd rather keep the intimate details in the realm of the electronic? 'Cos that makes so much sense, right?

Anyhow, THANK YOU for the pic. Meeeee-YOW. The day before the Great Friend Break-up (and frankly part of the reason for the break-up) we were watching a No Reservations marathon on the Travel Channel, and I was thrilled because we don't get this channel anymore, and her fucking husband wouldn't shut his snotty, snarky asshole mouth, making fun of every third phrase that AB said. It just pissed me off. Like, I get that you'd rather be watching some esoteric crap, some fucking foreign film crap that bores the rest of us to tears, but you asked what I wanted to watch, and this is it. So shut the hell up.

Oh, my, I LOVE me some Anthony Bourdain...


Anyway, so glad you've found a good doc, one who will be genuine in her concern for you. It makes all the difference in the world. My doc will be back from maternity leave at the end of this month, and I feel like I need to "accidentally" injure myself just so I can stop by and see her.

Regarding the CSET: Good for you toughing it out through an illness. You are a badass, even if you do sound like miscellaneous Simpson's cast members. I will continue to hope for the best outcome. D is an awesome husband to force you to take it easy, and even better to take you out for yummy mexican food. That's one thing I just didn't get enough of when I was back home, and I miss it like crazy. Your description made me drool a little bit. Mmmm.

We came back home to frigidly cold weather (and notice that our late Oct-early Nov electric bill was THREE TIMES the normal amount- let's hear it for electric heat, eh?), and I am totally spoiled by the 70 degree weather we were having back in Texas. Just spoiled.

Yes, summer please. And soon.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

A sucky visit, but a fantastic doctor. She should be training others on what to do/say!

Good for you for getting it off the to-do list.

Ally said...

I'm with you and Kate on the love of AB. He's so delightfully snarky and wonderful and he certainly has a way with words. Because I, too, love the sarcastic comment, I feel like he and I would get along. Or he would kill me and eat me. Whichever.

On to the doctor visit. I am sorry you are so yucky sick and I am doubly sorry you had to go in for the annual visit instead of getting antibiotics and an AB mashed potato visit.

I am glad your doctor was kind to you and recognizes that you are all kinds of awesome. She is right-you will make an awesome mom.
I'm also with you on the kindness thing. I can take someone being mean to me about IF. But when they are sweet and kind? It pushes me over the edge into some serious crying territory.

As for the CSET-I will keep my fingers crossed and my good test mojo running in your direction. I have heard the Michigan Special Ed test is a complete bear, too, so you have my sympathies.

And please, no mentions of 80 degree weather. We currently have about 10 inches of snow on the ground. That fell today. And our temps this week are supposed to be brutal. Aargh!

Here's to a healthy week for you, Kara!

kate said...

Ah, the Riijkstaad... perhaps I'll get to go there this summer on our way through Amsterdam. And I like cream cheese on my raisin toast, too, sometimes.

And now. Your letter, I think, should be "A", in honor of Anthony Bourdain, and all the As you'll continue to earn in school.

annacyclopedia said...

Ok, this may be horribly vulgar, but every time I see a picture of Anthony Bourdain, I get a moistie. I've never even seem No Reservations, but I know mojo when I see it working, alright. Dude has it going on. Sigh.

I hope you get better soon and your doctor's restoration of your faith in humankind is only reinforced in the days and weeks ahead. And I'm dying of jealousy about the return of summer in your part of the world - it will simply not stop snowing here, and you would probably turn into a human sized frozen margarita by the mere mention of how cold it has been here for the last 6 weeks.

daega99 said...

Nice... An AB appreciation group!!!! I love watching his show!

My blogging goes through phases. We have a family blog and theIF blog. The IF blog isn't public and we don't tell friends/family about it. If we end up doing IVF, it will be the place where my 'real' vacation journal will go while the family blog will have the clean version. Right now, it is just easier for us to do it that way.

*ICLW 66*

Barb said...

Go for it with the blood and guts! :)
I think you've done well with your blog so far.

Hope you feel better soon.. and sooo glad you have a good doc.