Sunday, March 1, 2009

The walking paradox

The last four weeks.... whew, there were good times and there were bad times and fuck if I can't find my happy pills - they were lost somewhere in the move. There are days where I would just like the option to have one.

I feel like one giant walking paradox. I have friends that remind me of things I said the day my world fell apart and feel as though my perception of the situation has evolved and morphed consequently driving said friends bananas. Here's a helpful hint though - don't analyze me please, just be my friend.

Yoga has been amazing, I have been taking a restorative/relaxation class that focuses on stretching the ligaments and connective tissue, not the muscles. It's an hour and 1/2 long and I have come to live for that class.

I can't believe it's been four weeks, time literally has flown right past me. The first two weeks were a hoot - oh my gosh so much fun. Uh, no - actually, I was on auto pilot and the cylinders were not firing. I was able, thankfully, to pull it together enough to *appear* somewhat normal while at work. Fooled them.

The moving of the crap - I hate moving and moving really sucks. Oh and I love my mom but seriously - returning to a parent's home in this situation should be illegal and is not recommended. Once again, I love my mom but she is hovering big time. So back to moving... I rented a Uhaul (cussing profanity mixed with the ex's name - the ENTIRE TIME) and drove said Uhaul to the house where a few guys I hired were able to take my belongings and place them in the storage unit where I pay 80 bucks a month to have my shit just sit there. I need my own space....

So, the big plan for my next move is to pass the freaking CSET and then get a job in either Orange County or LA. Orange County is my first choice because it is just alot easier to get to and fro to visit family, I love being close to the water and located within that county is one of the prettiest places ever - Laguna Beach. Before it became a show on MTV, it was this sleepy artist community that hosts the Sawdust festival and the Pageant of the Masters. The city has rolling hills easy to run up and down, charming little cafes and brings back a flood of happy child hood memories. The cons are that it is probably one of the priciest places to live and the chances of finding a teaching job at a low income school in that county are slim - unless I want to commute.

Los Angeles will probably be where I end up- I've always loved LA. My parents would take us into the city all the time when we were kids. I lived there for a short time in my 20's and truly love the hustle bustle, the energy, the vibe and it's still close to the water. Job wise, it will offer more of an opportunity. Urghh, the traffic and it's just not as easy to get back to Riverside as quickly as Laguna or OC.

Then there is Monaco - oh, did I forget to mention that it was in the running as well? I watched Samantha Brown on the travel channel last night and decided I really should consider Monaco as a viable option (TALKING OUT OF MY ASS,btw) as it met all of my needs and since Je parle Francais, find french men completely mesmerizing and love french food - it's a win/win/win. Last night, I learned that Monaco is the second smallest country in the world (the vatican is the first, I remember that from traveling Europe), has free cable and the only autocratic country. The entire country is the size of Central Park. Job-- what job?

Things I have learned -

Men still find me attractive - THANK GOD.....I don't know why I ever doubted this - oh maybe it was the low self esteem induced by fertility drug blubber that surrounded my gut and brain. I am sure that the jackass I share a last name with had a little something to do with it, as well.

I exercise, want to look great and feel good - FOR ME.

When one separates/divorces, one should be independently wealthy so the mundane details can be handled by staff, while one can go off on African safari while recovering from botox and then jet off to St. Lucia and get daily one hour massages by hot, young men.

I do not need food to be happy.

I always knew this, so it is less "something I learned" and more like "something I am eternally grateful for" - I have a group of amazing friends.


kate said...

Ah, my friend! If you move to Monaco, I think I might come with you. The weather report here is still showing "chances of snow near 100%" "accumulation of 4-8 inches possible through noon Monday" AND "current conditions of sleet and freezing rain mix make travel conditions less than ideal"


I loved living in Whittier. Of course, I had no car, and all my friends who did have cars were from Montebello, so we never drove very far. I mean, not that Whittier is LA, but you know. It's like, close, and stuff... The only things I remember about LA specific were having our college's spring formal at the Biltmore, and standing there in a special dress, feeling like Andi in Pretty In Pink (wishing I was wearing pink, instead of the hideously ill-fitted black number I chose off the sale rack at some fancy department store in Pasadena. And seeing Whoopie Goldberg and Goldie Hawn down the hall at the Biltmore that same night while they were hosting some sort of women's club thing. Weird.

Oh, and driving to and from LAX. And getting a flat tire with a friend while we were in the HOV lane on the way there to drop this crazy chick, Trinity, off at the airport.

Um, and taking the bus to the beach with a surfer friend of mine and transferring buses in a very scary and somewhat deserted part of downtown on a weekend.

So yeah. I don't have much to offer you in way of advice on where to live, except that, knowing how close you are to your family, I think you should choose Orange County. Jobs are great and everything (and, like, necessary and stuff), but we work so that we can make our outside-of-work life pleasant. And if being able to be close to Laguna Beach makes you happy, AND it allows you to ore easily see your family, then that's where you should be.

BUT, I totally know that the job can be a pretty big draw, too. After moving here for H's job (which, yeah, is a lot more drastic than the decision between LA metro area counties, I guess), I really wish that I had been more insistent that we find a location that allowed for a better outside-the-job life. We're making the best of it, and H is so damn happy with his job, but I miss having a more fulfilling social life.

So. That's my advice for you!

And DUH. Of course men still find you attractive. They'd have to be both blind and stupid not to feel warm for your form. You are the shiznit, my friend, and just because Mr. B doesn't see that anymore doesn't mean that there aren't 100,000 others who do...

I am so happy that you are in love with yoga! I really want to check a class out, 'cos I'm in serious need of something to not only get my tendons in shape, but also something to calm this fire that's taken hold in my mind as of late. I hear yoga's good for that. Someday.

Anyhow, I wanted to drop you this lengthy comment to let you know that I was thinking about you, too. My cell is on vibrate almost all the time, and my voicemail notification is paltry at best, so I didn't even see that I had a message until this morning. I'm not ignoring you, I promise. Someday at some point we will catch each other on the phone again!!!

Kellie said...

Kara, I've loved reading your blog for a long time but somehow missed all that's been happening in your life the past month. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You are such a beautiful, smart, funny woman who only deserves the best in life. Sending you lots of good wishes and hoping that you'll keep us updated on the amazing life you're about to create.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm glad yoga is giving you so much right now. I am pretty much living for yoga at the moment, too. There is just something about it when you find a good teacher or a good class that gives you exactly what you need.

Rock on, you sexy funky yogi! I am thinking of you often these days.

lassie said...

I know life is crap sometimes, and you have definitely been through the wringer, but reading your post makes me excited for your future. You sound strong and hopeful. Inspiring, given what you're facing.

Keep your eye on the prize- you are doing a great job rebuilding your life.