Thursday, June 26, 2008

Fried Lice

For years now, my husband and I always called fried rice "Fried Lice". Yeah, we're weirdos like that and like to make up nicknames for common day things and I don't really care what you think. I mention this because I think someone put a secret special Asian curse on us for mocking their tasty side dish. In our wacky minds, we giggled with unabashed delight. HA HA - Fried Lice, Yuck - imagining sesame seed sized insects, sizzling in a hot fry pan. YUM...

This is head lice

Well hello Mr. Mayor Creepy McCreepister of Creeptasticville....Suddenly, I wish I was looking at Phallic shaped vegetables.

All appeared well at work, looking back it had the eerie quietness and calmness that one finds before a natural calamity or horrific disaster. I was talkin MIIIRACLES with Kate , daydreaming about my 8:00AM appointment at my favorite spa, jetting off to get my yoga on and having the day to flood the local school districts with my bedazzling resume and packet of required information (letter of introduction, CBEST Scores, Resume, Application, 3 letters of references, educational philosophy, there's more -I just can't remember). The Fried Lice Karma came back and bit me hardcore- right in my back, you know, the one that is giving me a slow death whilst making me feel like I'm 98 years old.

The phone rang, my sister in law in her " we have lice again tone" says Hi - I need you to come get little girl, it's back. This short sentence finds me with an increased heart rate and tears welling at my eye sockets. URGHHHHHHH FUCKERS..... Who are the fuckers? The lice, the birth parents, my reproductive organs that have me in this place. I could go on...

I call D, we coordinate - like we are negotiating with terrorists or the release of hostages (which I sometimes feel like) and he heads home, starts washing every blanket, towel, item that he can remember her touching and I leave work to pick up the girls and take them to the doctor. Fast forward to the doctors office and the oh so unhelpful staff who treats people on Medi-cal like dog shit. INFURIATING....... The doctor takes a quick look at little girls head - shakes her had and says nope, no lice again Mom and tries to shoo me out. I grab little girls head and start furiously looking through like an ape frantically picking at it's young's head. I say "SEE - RIGHT THERE". The doctor takes the hair sample and tells me that she'll be right back. She returns a few moments later with crow around her mouth, from which she had just eaten after the large slice of humble pie thrown at her face and drags me to the microscope where I get to see a lice egg sac, with two eggs ready to hatch. Did you throw up in your mouth a little? I just did (again). AAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK. The best part of the experience was picking up some great gangsta lingo from some gangstas who were taking their gangsta-ettes for a yo-yo-yo check her up, for shizzle ma nizzle yo. It was a riot.... Io, I came this close (imagine me holding my fingers close, but not touching) to telling them about the VMB, sharing my sign and singing our song..... Once we got settled in the car, Big girl asked me why they weren't using their manners. I honestly didn't know what to say.

If you are still reading, Thank you and you must have a stomach of steel or find this remotely like a train wreck and just can't take your eyes off of your monitor.

D and I gently set little girl (who was thankfully napping) onto a towel and start removing pieces of hair that have egg sacks attached. I'm still itching and I'm sure that the removed eggs have ALL jumped into my head and are ready to hatch at a moment's notice. While I gave little girl a bath and she screamed bloody murder, which is her favorite thing to do in the bath -I decided to take the opportunity to engage in child's pose, downward facing dog and cat/cow. Moments later the phone rang, D blabs about our agency wanting answers to questions A) how the lice situation is B) No, we can't cut her hair short - which would only make this sooooo much easier and is ultimately birth parents decision C) - My favorite one - birth parents want to know if they can have girls on Fri + Sat next week for the holiday. Before I can respond D runs back into the dining room where Big girl is yanking on her loose tooth and experiencing her consequence to the rampant lying she has engaged in this week.

Sadly, tomorrow will find me: calling the agency to let her know my response to question C - not only no but hell no, doing laundry, combing through hair, doing my own mani/pedi (YIKES) and God willing - getting at least 10 packets of my resume/info, out the door.

I'm in Professor "let me bore you out of your ever loving mind's" class and better return to taking notes and figure out what I'm going to have for dinner. I bet you can guess at what I won't be eating for awhile.

And because, though I feel beat up, tore up from the floor up and deflated, I hope to restore some positive energy and I leave you with this - my hands are together palms touching, my head is bowed and I say "Namaste - The inner light in me recognizes and honors the inner light in you."


Ally said...

Oh, Kara, you poor, poor thing. Lice once is bad enough. But to get a re-infestation? Good lord, girl. You need to start buying lottery tickets because your luck has got to change, hon. If I lived closer, I would come by with alcohol in large quantities for you. I wish for you a home and heads free of fried lice. For good.

Jules said...

Fried Lice has got to go down as one of the funniest blog titles ever. The Mister was just asking about your situation tonight, and I went ON AND ON for a good 20 minutes about the major pole they are sticking up your's and D's ass.

kate said...


I've been feeling a little squeamish lately, a little less settled of stomach, and today was apparently the day to hear about all sorts of grosseties.

It started this morning with my idiot co-worker asking me where one might find a nose-hair trimmer, and then proceeding to tell me that she pulled a long hair out of her nose this weekend, and that this is why she was missing a few fake fingernails because she popped them off in order to get a better grip on the nose hair.

And then, same idiot co-worker told me about how she cured her cold sores by digging ear wax out of her ear and smearing it all over the corners of her mouth.

And then, my boss told me about a woman she used to know who would rub her grandson's peepee diapers on her face to make her skin pretty.

And then, the boss told me about how her nephew used to work at a pig slaughterhouse/sausage manufacturing place, and how he used to bring home the skin to make skin sandwiches.

And then, I read about lice, and now I can't stop scratching my head.

And I would be throwing up a little each time, but I already emptied my stomach at the thought of my co-worker popping off her nasty, week-old, yellowed acrylic nails that she has been using to scratch her dandruffed scalp all week.

Today is my day to be nauseated, apparently.

Sorry about your sucky boring professor. You should just keep blogging in class. At least then SOMEONE (um, ME...) gets to be entertained. And I'm the important one, right?

And you're totally right to stand your ground with her kids. If little one comes back from Mom's with LICE, you have every right to limit that contact.

Stay strong, and Namaste right back atcha.

Io said...

Oh gah, now I itch.
How much does that suck that the lice came back - and obviously, the parents are not cleaning well and so what? are the girls going to get them AGAIN this weekend? That's ridiculous and I am so freaking sorry dude.

And I totally cracked up thinking of you starting to snap and singing "When you're a Vet, you're..."