Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Icing on the cake o' crap

Social Worker "R" from the County called me to let me know that girls will start getting phone calls from birth parents. Twice a week for 10 minutes each time. I'm supposed to "monitor" and if girls get upset "end" the convo.... Hmmm I don't remember how to handle this from our training.

We have our weekly meeting with agency wherein I will convey my frustrations and talk about our next plan (after these girls get reunited - it's going to happen) we will only consider children whose parents have terminated legal rights. Also, next time we will think with our heads and not our hearts - gets us into trouble each and every time. We are also considering private adoption and of course the $$$ side is a deterrent from that option.

I can't believe I'm about to type this, Duane and I also discussed living without children ( I hate how that sounds) ok one more time - living child-free (ok, not good either we are super close to my neice and nephew and mentor my cousin's daughter). I don't know what to call it - living without kids we are legally responsible for (not liking that either) you catch my drift? I will always have children in my life, I plan to become a teacher so it's not like I won't have any children around.

My other highlight was getting scratched on the neck and bit, courtesy of little girl this evening. The agency will document this tomorrow.

URGHHH - stop the madness, stop the world from spinning and let me off.


kate said...

Man, that is icing on a crap cake. That sucks, sucks, sucks.

It's so rough, knowing that you would be a much better parent than the birth parents, but that they ultimately get that chance at redemption. Sucks.

It's also a rough space to be in to be talking about your future parenting plans, or the idea that maybe you won't end up being the legal guardian of a child (there really is no good term for the concept of "child-free", is there?). I've already come to terms with the idea that pursuing my education at this point is forcing me into a dangerously old age group for an infertile trying to have a child, and that inevitably, I may end up not being a parent. But H seems to feel like there is some magic that will allow us to naturally conceive once I finish law school. He really doesn't get that we are risking a lot by putting off further attempts at baby-making for another 3-4 years. It's such a difficult conversation to have. I commend you for being willing, at such a tough time, to confront those ideas and discuss them openly.

Io said...

Ug. I am so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is to love and know you'll have to let go sooner than you want.

katd said...

That is so hard. I am so sorry you're going through this; I can't imagine it. I have no magical words of wisdom, but I want you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Emily (Apron Strings) said...

Ugh Kara! I can totally feel your frustration and wish I could make it better for you.

I can totally relate to that convo you had with Duane about living without ... ahem ... "legal kids" (?!) as well. I think Hubby & I have had that conversation a few times as well. A very difficult one to have, isn't it?

It's a good thing though, that you are having these discussions and determining what your next step is. And you two are such strong people to be talking about these things, especially on how difficult things are right now.

HUGS, Kara. And thanks for YOUR kind words on my bloggie. You and I will definitely have to go to Anaheim and Disneyland whenever I'm out that way.

I will be in San Diego at the end of July though ... how far is that from you?!

Barb said...

I'm sorry Kara. I wish you all the best in these horribly difficult decisions. We would be right where you are right now decision-wise if we'd had the guts yet to start adoption. We, too, would like to do private adoption, but definitely do not have the money. sigh

But like you said before... you have made a real difference in these girls' lives, and they will be better people for it.