Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sometimes...life really sucks

It is not too often that I get the blues.

Work took it out of me, I met with an employee doing an emergency retirement today who will check into UCLA medical center tomorrow and stay 6 weeks while they perform a stem cell transplant in her last hopes of beating some kind of cancer. She had the most beautiful outlook on things, well on life really. She had grace, humor and a sense of dignity most can't imagine. She held her freshly chemo'd head high with a pair of the most beautiful earrings and had a smile as bright as the sun.

Reflecting on this lady I met with today makes me feel a bit guilty for complaining about my crap. It's not so much complaining, it's really identifying the hurt and pain that comes with separation. I'll say it, staring death in the face does not equal infertility.

I have been *really* dragging my feet on completing these notebooks on the girls for our agency. Yes, they are required. No, I'm not getting any help from Duane. He is busy working on our home office, ripping out carpet, patching walls, taking down the lighting fixture and getting ready to peel the ceiling. The notebooks outline all of the medications administered, how often we performed fire drills and the purchases we made on their behalf. Remember - there is a $30.00 minimum you must spend on the child for clothing, per month. I know, I know. I could not believe that was the minimum either. I would expect $100.00+ which is what we averaged.

One of the (oh, so many) difficult parts about the books is detailing the clothes we purchased. I have such a connection to clothes. I still have my leather jacket circa 1987 from The Limited (remember their Outback Red label) complete with the squared shoulders. You know, so you could easily insert your shoulder pads. AAAAACK - remember shoulder pads. It took many nights of babysitting to pay for that sucker and I think it was on lay-away for over a month.

Ok, clearly the thought train has derailed.... back to the girls. Can I just tell you that 90 % of their outfits were pink - and I'm not even a girly, girl though my personal taste is more Banana Republic and Ann Taylor. I love the classics with a little bit of edgy funk thrown in for good measure. I scored some super hot deals at Old Navy for the girls and they were rockin some hot threads. It was so depressing going through the receipts outlining the dresses, shirts, skorts and skirts. Duane is amazed I can remember every piece of clothing. I don't think I'll ever forget those shopping moments. I swear, there is magic in shopping. I so miss getting them dressed in the morning and believe me - I thought those words would never cross my lips.

I miss how I would ask BG what she wanted to wear, even though I knew exactly what she would say - her favorite pink skirt. I miss how lg would twirl around in her dresses that I purposely bought just a little too big with hopes that she will have something to wear next summer.

I think I will be ready to turn the books in tomorrow and yet somehow this chapter is still very much open.


Emily (Apron Strings) said...

I'm sorry that I've been totally incommunicado lately. But I have been totally thinking of you. I know how it's like to go thru the books and not have anything to show for it ... It does suck.

But at least we have Vegas to look forward to!

OK best get back to work. I'll plan on literaly talking to you later ...

Jules said...

Nicely said. :) The chapter is still open because there is much more to read. Sometimes you reach a spot in a book that is so good you don't want to move forward--but when you are ready you will find the plot only thickens.

Kellie said...

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Ally said...

I'm sorry things have been so painful lately, Kara. I wish there was an easy way to make everything better. Since I don't know what that is or how to make it happen, I wish peace and quiet in your heart and head and people who are there to hold your hand.

Io said...

I was thinking of you this morning when Al commented on how incredibly quiet it was in our house. Just a week of a couple kiddos we knew we were giving back and will see again fairly often. I can only imagine the silence in your house.