Thursday, September 25, 2008

The pink elephant in my office

I can't recall if I've ever spoke about my co-worker (works on the same floor, same department and about 6 cubicle rows over from me) that found out she was pregnant the same time I did. She went on to have her baby and now we awkwardly interface at work as we travel the different paths through life right now. Her cubicle is plastered with his cherub like face and rightfully so. Why does it feel like a million little dagger through my heart when I see his photo. Just too much reality -I constantly compare him to "our little one". Too much reality.s

Part of my job is to assist people at our front counter and answer any retirement questions they may have. Today, as I was assisting a retiree - I needed to make a copy of a retirement application and of course the closest copy machine is right next to her desk. She was reveling in one of the many wonderful things her beautiful child is now doing with a group of ladies and as I walked by they grew completely silent. Do they not realize that I could hear there conversation from a mile away and totally know they stopped the conversation on my behalf? That was rhetorical folks, no need to answer. Honestly, I would have been equally sad and pissed if they would have kept on talking like it was no big deal. They are in a tough place - the place called "You can't win with Kara". It's a new game in my life that many people are playing, my father included.

Questions I ponder -

Why hasn't our agency phoned us? I realize I could pick up the phone and call them but they have been so good about contacting us in the past? What the hell?

Is there a time I won't feel bitter about people who went on to have kids as I did not? I feel less bitter around people like my IRL BFF, sister in law and other close friends because they have reminded me that I am an important person in their children's lives.

Will we be ok and live a happy life if we choose to live child- free.

Do I want to switch medical plans and try a different doctor (Christ - I can't even believe I am saying that, BTW)

And then there is this....they say it happens in three's.

My good friend Regina, who should be nominated for best daughter ever, has recently called hospice for her mom. Regina is amazing, even more incredible are her daughter and and niece who are there by their Mema's bedside 24/7. My heart is literally breaking for them, as I type this. They are fortunate enough to have one of the coolest hospice nurses EVER who encouraged us to talk loudly to Irene (Mema) and reminded us about the power of the human touch. My mom gave her a kiss, I wept and Regina is still strong as a rock and one of my heroes.

My mom's cousin Carole and her husband Ken are trying to make their doggie Gracie as comfortable as possible as she is in the final stages of cancer. They are working to keep her in as little pain as possible.

Sad, totally sad about Paul Newman. He is my Gram's fave actor and I think he has been wicked hot the majority of his life. Sparkling blue eyes, charming personality and an activist.

I'll be back to my upbeat, normal self soon...


Io said...

Paul Newman, man...I am so sad about that. I'm sorry you have so much real, personal stuff to be sad about though.
I hope your friend Regina hangs in there. It is so hard to be strong when death is drawn out like that.

I totally know the "You can't win with Kara" game. I'm just crappy no matter what.
I hope you come up with some good answers to the questions you're pondering.

Bri said...

Man, Kara, you've got lots to keep your mind racing. I'm sorry about all of it.

I completely understand your "can't win with me" thing. My SIL is preg with twins and they invite me to stuff about their pregnancy and I get mad, they don't invite me and I get hurt. There is no pleasing us infertiles (except with a baby, of course!)

Barb said...

I've been feeling down about a lot of that stuff too. xoxo

I'm glad you had such a fabulous time with your friends though (later post) sounds like you needed it!