85 degrees

Our local time is 4:36 PM and our temp. is 85 degrees. I have to say Mr. Global warming, though I despise everything you stand for, today - well, I might have a bit of a crush on you. I'm dizzy with glee from the sunshine sweetly kissing over my face today and after a week of gloom (California term for rain) this sunshine is greatly appreciated.

My 45 minute drive to school was wondrous, the sunroof open and Blondie blaring from the speakers - almost made me want to ditch school tonight and drive to the beach. If I didn't have a presentation on Phonics, who knows where the freeway would have taken me.

OK - class is ready to start - Good bye from sunny, warm California :-)

What is your favorite warm weather music/song?

Diversion

I found this cute quiz on This Garden is Illegal and thought is was pretty cute. Who can't use a diversion. The info that came along with the sunflower stated "When your friends think smile, they think of you. There is not a day that goes by that you can't find something good about the world and your fellow human." Personally, I think I'm still on my Tina Fey high from watching her kick ass on SNL Saturday night. She rocked!!!

As for this flower, I'm wilting thus it's time for bed.

Answers

My week is looking slammed already - isn't that a great feeling for a Sunday evening. Checking work email should be ILLEGAL. I have this Sunday afternoon ritual of checking, answering and creating work email and I really need to quit it. Between work and school, I fear that I will not be able to post or remember to post the answers to the Truth and Lies quiz. Here goes and I've included information.

1. I have shaken Bill Clinton's hand TRUE
Bill was at a rally over at the Claremont colleges and I was standing in the front row getting squeezed to death while holding my cousin's three year old daughter, Megan. He took my (available) hand and while he was shaking it, held our hands together with his other hand. Oh, I was smitten and awestruck. Amazing presence and very, very tall. So charming and made me weak in the knees.

2. One wedding present we will treasure forever- an autographed B52's CD by the fabulous - Cindy Wilson. TRUE

B52's are one of D's and mine fave bands. Imagine our surprise and excitement when we were opening up wedding presents to find an autographed CD. My parents good friends Tom and Camille have connections around all parts of Georgia where they knew someone who knew Cindy and was able to obtain this sweet treasure for us. We listen to it all the time and make a point to listen to it on our anniversary.

3. I can sing the alphabet backwards.TRUE

While attending Catholic school, one year part of the Christmas/holiday program required us to sing the alphabet backwards. The only reason why I was able to memorize it and can still remember it is because of the melody. I can sing it pretty quick until I get to the letter J and then I have to think about it.

4. Back in my running days, when I was in shape - I once ran in the rock and roll 1/2 marathon. FALSE

I've always wanted to run a marathon and it's on my list of things to do after I finish the master's program. I have run 5 k's but no kind of marathon. When I do train for a marathon it will be the Rock and Roll marathon which is a cool concept. At every mile marker there is a band playing, I think that would be a cool thing.

5. I have a four-leaf clover tattoo in honor of my Irish roots. FALSE

I wanted one for many years but was too chicken due to the pain aspect. After infertility/dildo cams/injections/hsg etc, I think a tattoo would be a freakin walk in the park.

6. While traveling thru Amsterdam, I visited the red light district and watched a sex show. TRUE

I was traveling through Europe with a group of strangers who later became really good friends (Contiki). Our planned evening event for Amsterdam was the Red Light district so 10 of us headed off to the recommended "classy" sex show. It was actually really cool and I'm glad I went and watched it.

Ok - Hope everyone has a most excellent week!

One step closer to Parenthood :-)

I'm so elated, ecstatic (and every other synonym of the word happy) to report that we have been APPROVED (by the agency). We still have a few less scary hoops of burning fire to jump thru but this one was a biggie folks.

The primary Board member who apparently makes the final decision ( I'm still very unclear on the chain of command, after being told too many different things) phoned to give our contact "Y" the approval, she had just returned from a trip to the emergency room for a breathing treatment - apparently they weren't kidding when they said that their people were sick. We also received a very sincere apology stating that our delay is very uncommon (lucky us) and they wanted to assure us things will move quickly and smoothly from here moving forward.

Blinded by the sheer excitement of our SUPER DUPER FANTASTIC news I decided to pick up a couple of pies for the agency office at Marie Callenders. My parents were unsure how to react so I prompted them with the following -"After receiving this news, it brings back memories of the day we discovered I was pregnant." Both of their reactions were filled with happy tears and much love- I think they get it now. We are all new to this, though they are rockin parents - I need to keep my expectations reasonable. With that being said, we still have a way to go but there is a sense of hope that I have never experienced before thus (some) clarity has been shed on the whole wacky IF process. We had to go through that to get to this.......

We have already been scheduled for the foster parent training, attachment and parenting across culture classes and will hopefully have our homestudy approved by May 1. Oh good, more waiting because we all know how patient I'am (hee, hee).

To my IF sisters: I will never forget where I have been, here on the IF journey that which has indelibly marked me for life - while I'm sure you agree about how greatful we all are for the friendships, it was never our goal, nor was it to be expected -to be a member of this club.

We will endure and succeed because of each other and our support we give one another. I think we are an amazing, strong and unbelievably powerful voice. Let's keep the good fight going and continue supporting each other!!! I couldn't have survived this without all of you! Thank you!

Finally.... an answer (kind of)

I arrived home this afternoon to find a message from "Y", on our answering machine (don't get me started, see below), stating that the board (who, btw, sounds like just one person) needs further information and we should have a final answer on Monday. I will translate that agency time, meaning - 3 weeks from Monday. I could have sworn I had given her every number of ours + family and friends but she swears up and down that I never gave her my cell, whatever.

I was quite proud of myself - I was able to maintain composure while explaining our frustration of agreeing to thier request to make a committment to this agency and spinning our wheels for 3 weeks while we could have simultaneously gone through other channels thus increasing our chances. In a nutshell, they (the regional office) will prepare more information and submit it to the decision maker. The deciding person is sick today(of course) so we should have an answer on Monday.

Here in Southern CA, we are having mild showers and it's gloomy outside which is fine- I plan to go grab a bowl of ice cream(apparently I want to wear a mumu and not a swimsuit when we go to Cancun) and hit the books. Hope everyone has a really great weekend!

Can't wait to watch the Oscars....

Truth & Lies

It's almost the end of the week and today was my Friday - let's do something fun. Here is a little quiz. I love these things and got tagged by super witty and smart Kate over at Bee in the Bonnet

The Rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the fun begin!

Here we go - True/False game begins:

1. I've shaken Bill Clinton's hand.
2. One wedding present we will treasure forever- an autographed B52's CD by the fabulous - Cindy Wilson.
3. I can sing the alphabet backwards.
4. Back in my running days, when I was in shape - I once ran in the rock and roll 1/2 marathon.
5. I have a four-leaf clover tattoo in honor of my Irish roots.
6. While traveling thru Amsterdam, I visited the red light district and watched a sex show.

Ok - I'm tagging the following:

Jules: Pancakes and French Fries

Amanda: Maybe I'm psychic

Jen: Maybe if you Just relax

Peace \ /

Ok - Does it look like a peace sign in the title there?

Anywho, I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of peace today and it actually washed over me and was carried throughout the day. Really quite amazing. I'm plenty busy with work and school.

Sad about Hillary and at the same time - Very excited for Obama + our country.

I get to "observe" on Friday, this will be fun - D's high school teacher. He is the water polo coach and psychology teacher. I will also observe the SPED teacher to see what I will be up against. Getting really, really excited about teaching.

The Lesson

Clearly, there is a lesson here for me to learn.

Maybe I need to work on my inter-personal skills, perhaps I need find an excersize to increase my patience. Around 11:00 AM this morning, I sent an email requesting an update from "Y". Around 1:30 PM( no joke) she states that the Board has been hit by this "horrible flu and everyone is sick". Apparently, no one on the Board has ever gone through Infertility or tried to adopt because I'm pretty sure if I was on the Board I would at least try to teleconference the members who could not attend because I would recognize the importance of this meeting. But hey, that's just me.

Part of me ( the emotional side) just wants to call them and scream SCREW IT!!!! We have decided to go with another agency. The logical side knows that would be a horrible idea on so many levels. First let's start with the inappropriateness of such said act. Secondly, I'm sure they would report me somewhere and put a note in my file stating "Infertile and Psychotic" (Hey, there's a name for a blog, hee hee). Lastly, I don't know if I have the energy to re-start this process at this point in the game.

D and I thought maybe this is some kind of psychological test - "How bad do they want the child". Let's push them to see how much bullshit they will put up with.

On other news ..... I got a photo ticket for doing a "California Stop", the picture was undeniably me. I nearly shit a brick when I saw the "courtesy notice" stating that I owe the County of San Bernardino $391.00 OUCH..... That is going to adversely affect future spa dates and trips to Banana Republic and Ann Taylor. Some good news, we are taking a REAL VACATION to Cancun YAY!!!! Our first in a long, long time. Can't wait. Getting excited for my cousin Brenna's wedding and I offered to host a bridal shower for her. Hopefully, we will be bringing a special guest to her wedding in San Francisco this coming August.

There is always hope, I haven't given up, just frustrated beyond words.

Still.... no news

I waited until 3:00 PM and then sent an email with cheerful but inquisitive overtones.

Me: Hi "Y" - I'm just checking in to see if we heard any news about the Board meeting yesterday, do you know if they met?

Y: NO, a Board member was ill and they were unable to meet. I promise to call you as soon as I know anything.

Me: OK, Great. I look forward to hearing on a response from the Board as well as any status reports stating any further developments or delays.

YES, the word no was typed in Caps. For about 2 seconds I thought maybe she had hit the cap lock key and then I decided, NO SHE IS JUST FREAKIN YOUNG AND APPARENTLY NOT AWARE IN EMAIL LAND ALL CAPS MEANS YOU ARE YELLING AT ME. There is no excuse for this when you are working in a professional environment). While we are on pet peeves, I hate when people overuse the "LOL" thing. I get it, you think something is funny but it's just simply overused.

I doubt she picked up on my hints/request to keep me in the loop. I should have just said, could you call me every day at noon becuase hey, let's face it - I will be a great parent, I'm just a bit neurotic. I'm sure that would have gone over like a fart in church.

The wait continues..........

Today

No news here, in fact I called the agency at 3:00, 4:00 and then at 10 minutes till 5:00 and finally on the last call I asked if either of our contacts were in and the receptionist stated that they were both out so I chose to ask for the manager. At this point, I was stewing in my madness and tried to sound as calm, cool and collected though I really wanted to scream into the phone. I left a polite message for the manager who was apparently screening her calls because she called me back, seconds later. When she called back she stated that they had not heard if the Board made a decision and she did not know whether or not they met today.

Thanks for the help - URGHHHHHHH

Let's hold a flicker of hope for tomorrow.

Tomorrow

Thank you Mr. Lincoln for having a birthday!

No work tomorrow, explains why I'm blogging at this hour while watching re-runs of Anthony Bourdain- No Reservations (I have such a crush on him, shhh don't tell my husband).

Tomorrow, the Board is supposed to meet and we will hopefully get our answer. Please keep fingers, toes and eyes crossed.

One step closer....

I do feel one step closer to finding our child. I have to admit, up until yesterday I really was "preparing myself" for other options and avenues to explore. I think this is my defense mechanism and way I keep hopeful- there is always an alternative. Now, I'm back on board and feeling like the fost/adopt program is going to be a sure thing.

The social worker has repeatedely reminded me that she is certain the Board will reccomend that I MUST go to counseling for my miscarriage. I find this silly, I had plenty, P- LENTY of peer counseling and came to resolve my feelings for our lost little one. Don't get me wrong, I will think of that sweet baby every day of my life but I know that there is another angel looking over us and I find it comforting. My other worry is that the Board is going to decline our request until I finish my career transition and obtain a teaching contract. Let's hope this doesnt happen, I cannot imagine waiting any longer.

Ok, one more thing to vent about. This week I went back to school, nothing like the smell of fresh sharpened pencils and blank notebooks. I've always enjoyed the first day of school - always and the introduction portion is one of my very favorite parts. After experiencing infertility, I feel like it is some label that I have admit to and I can hear it play out in my mind " Hi, my name is Kara and I'm infertile". The first class on Monday had us listing our favorite color (mine is pink, this changes daily - tomorrow it could be black), favorite vacation ( I was 25 and went to Europe on a crazy 10 country- 12 day Contiki, singles only adventure) next item was to say our favorite subject (history/poilitical science) , a nickname ( red, due to my red hair) and last was a secret - mine is that I still have a book I "borrowed" from the library in 7th grade and never returned. So, it was pretty interesting.

Two nights later, same students, different teacher and a whole new set of questions - now we have to state our name, what grade we want to teach, if we are married and state whether or not we have children. AWKARD...... really, when did talking about kids become required introduction material and shouldnt we as teachers be sensitive to people who might not be able to have children. Oh, I hate feeling this way but sometimes the insensitivity of the world blows me away, after it punches me in the gut. So I got to hear about the girl who got pregnant on her honeymoon ( not exagerating at girl- either), the mom who had three children and was pregnant with her fourth and said it was an accident - Really lady, uh guess what, your unborn child just heard you call it an accident -BI-OTCH. Then came my turn and I gave the stats and while I wanted to give the whole history of our infertility trials and tribulations in an effort to make the others feel awkard I decided to state that we were expecting a child as well -sometime within the next year through a local agency that provides a fost/adopt placement program.

I've come to the determination that teachers choose the personal items in thier life they find important subjects that are most important to them in thier lives. Case in point, the whole nickname thing on the first night of class - the teacher who chose that had this 20 minute story about a nickname her father gave her the day she was born no biggie - it was important to her. The second teacher had three children who are all brilliant (aren't everyones children brillant???) thus the whole - please state how many children you have thing.

Ok - I think I've beat this horse enough.

**NEWS**

The Board didn't meet this week but everything else (background checks, etc) came back with flying colors!!!!

All we are waiting for is Board approval and thier next meeting is scheduled for next Tuesday. After we get approved (at this point, I'm determined) then we can complete our homestudy (preparing the home and taking classes).

YAY

Not so super - super/fat Tuesday

Waking up today I felt a sense of renewal, a big day ahead - the start of big change for our government and the start of more democrat success', a day to pig out on all the red meat my little heart can handle before fasting and no meat tomorrow or Friday and the day we officially get approved by the agency.

I did pig out on the best taco in town (and only ate 1 - ok, this is big guys - I can usually put away 2 or 3), checked the internet periodically throughout the day to see who was winning which state and waited patiently for the phone to ring. Finally, at 3:00 I placed a phone call and then sent an email to follow up on the phone call to find out what was going on. I know they don't know otherwise they would have called me, right? The logical side ( or rather what is left of my logic through this IF experience) says - remember what "Y" stated in the last phone conversation, the couple last week, who was supposed to find out about thier results last Tuesday did not find out until Friday. The emotional side is screaming why why why- can't SOMETHING go our way, or smoothly with this process. So, here I go - another lesson in patience ( not my strong suit) and I have plenty to keep my mind busy - beside the chatter in my brain.

There are so many ways this fost/adopt process replicates the ttc process and frankly, control freak Kara is at her wits end. Ok, sorry for talking in 3rd person, but really - I'm so friggin tired of this - sometimes, times like today - I just want to scream. As I searched for the Scream painting I came across a version I had never seen and had to laugh. Oh, sweet laughter - where have you been my friend. I feel better already.

Off I go, to go be busy now with homework and a smile.

New Look

I found this great site http://www.pyzam.com/ that has free blogger templates and have been wanting to change the look of my blog for quite sometime.

** Through this process, I've (sadly) lost all of my links.

What to you think?

*update*

Well...... I was at work and the phone rang at 2:45 PM today while I was knee deep talking to miss crazypants retiree who was blabbing non-stop. We have caller ID on our phones at work so I immediately picked up the phone while simuteanousely telling the retiree to kindly wait one minute. It was the agency and our first contact "Y" who asks me if I have a minute (NEVER A GOOD SIGN). Stomach is flip flopping and I'm trying to get a co-workers attention who isnt getting my glaring stares as I mention y's name who she has heard over and over and over Urghhh. I ask Y if I can call her back, she says sure.

Twenty painful moments later, I dial Y's number and ask her what's going on. She states not much and just wants to provide an update. She stated that we passed the internal office requirements and the social worker is putting our case together (which had to be submitted by noon today- it's 3:20 ish and at this point I have a million gazillion questions for her) and blah blah blah, she needs a copy of both of our Drivers licesnes. Finally, she pauses. So I start firing off my questions and reminded her of our conversation and emails yesterday where she stated that there would be no "update", now she is backpeddling so quick her legs are tired. Ok, onto question number two -Why didnt the social worker meet her noon deadline? More fluff and blahbity-blah. Ok, serious tone is now present in my voice and trying to not sound like a raving bitch as I think about what they would write in the report to the board. Potential mom appeared really nice and seemingly normal until she flipped out one day on the phone.

So as I calmly end the phone conversation she quickly blurts out that the couple that was presented on Tuesday just got approved today. She also mentioned to be prepared for the board do give us requirements such as attending counseling for the miscarriage. Really, we need to open up that can of worms, I'm thinking? I ended the conversation and felt more confused and frustrated than I was yesterday. I've decided that Y doesnt know her head from her a** and I will deal with the social worker from here moving forward.

ahhh feel better already, thanks for letting me vent!