Closing one chapter and starting another

Sometime - late last night, it dawned on me that we were doing the last's. The last bubble bath, the last kiss good night, the last "just one more story".





The last's continued this morning...last breakfast, last time I did their hair and last car ride.





This will an ongoing essay of how the day went today.





6:45 AM - dropped off girls at my sister-in-law's house. My stinky little brother who is a terd surprised me and waited to say good by to the girls. Yep - I cried.





8:10 AM - Agency phoned and wanted to know why we weren't at our house because they are there to pick up Isabelle. My response was "At my sister-in law's where they are, every day?" Not happy with agency. I need to remember that they are not Nordstrom's and concerned about how I feel about the "experience".





8:40 AM - Wondering if we could just fast forward through today and skip right to tomorrow.



8:46 AM - Happy (is that bad/wrong) that I get to sleep in tomorrow until 5:45 and only be responsible for getting myself ready. Crap - just remembered I have to be at work early so I guess I need to wake up at 5:15 AM after all. Oh, but I get to sleep in Saturday - nope, have to drive to LA for school and then to Duane's 20 year high school reunion at Bolsa Chica Beach. Oh, Sunday when we are in Huntington Beach I can sleep in - hopefully.



9:02 AM - told by direct supervisor that I will spend September 11 at a job fair in PALM SPRINGS - YEAH!!!!! I love that city. Unfortunately, I will have to high tail it out of there as soon as it ends so I can make it to school that night. Still - it's always nice to get out of the office and get away and get away to PS - even if it's going to the convention center and not the Parker.

10:06 AM - Cell phone rang and agency said the judge has issued immediate reunification. I went to say good-bye and a little piece of my heart is broken. Duane is a mess.

12:58 PM - We are going out to dinner, Duane was cute - he just called and asked me out on a date. J - can we do retail therapy next week?

Thank you everyone for your love and support during lice-gate 2008, you all kept this foster mommy sane when she wanted to pull her hair out.

Peace-out

Stirred and very shaken

As a native Californian, who has experienced several earthquakes, I don't know if I will ever get used to experiencing a jolt or rolling motion - especially while I continue to work in a 14 story building. My office is located on the first floor, our 5.4 (according to NPR it was just downgraded from 5.8) quake offered a shaking motion rattled us from 8 miles from the earth's surface and the epicenter was approximately 20 miles away.

As soon as the shaking stopped, I exited the building and dialed the cell like a mad woman. I couldn't get through to Duane so I drove straight over to my sister-in-law's to check on the girls. My niece and lg were napping while Cole and BG were obviously shaken and speaking a mile a minute.

To the rest of the world we must look like morons - for example, MSN decided to show this picture of downtown Los Angeles shortly after this morning's jolt.

No, we all don't meander around looking dazed and confused, wandering outside of building waiting for shards of glass and spear-like metal objects to hurt us. We run around on the inside screaming hysterically - just kidding, that is only what I do. If an earthquake happens at home, I'm generally pretty calm. No, not the picture of peace and tranquility but calm nevertheless. At work, things are different. Pressure to remain calm, monitor how co-workers are acting and can I make it to the parking lot, as fast as one can walk with shaky knees while trying not to pee her pants. It's all rather tiring.

What is scarier than hell is to awake out of a peaceful slumber to one of these bad boys. Not fun. Not fun at all. There is a kindness that comes out of the general public on days like these. I walked into Subway and the staff was asking every customer "Where were they, when it hit"? It's nice that our community can come together when there is an event that affects all of us.

Emily - They felt it all the way to San Diego, you left just in time.

**EDIT**

I forgot to mention that Duane saved a German Shepard, who was panicking, from jumping off of a balcony while he was working on a clients home. My hero.

One long friggin post

I have to work backwards and start with a beautiful sight I watched 5 minutes ago.

D was rubbing little girls' back ( OK, I used to LOVE having that done when I was a kid and I'm afraid we got LG into the habit- It's just so soothing and oh - the human touch, so powerful) and he fell asleep- sitting upright with his hand on her back and leaning against the ladder of the bunk beds. How I wish my camera was working.... It was really quite beautiful and touching. I tried to speak and wake him up - each time my throat closing, getting completely choked up. I gently kissed him on the forehead and he woke up and went to bed. He is amazing, I'm feeling lucky.

Once we picked up the girls this evening we went to a great Irish pub, not far from our house and heard my all time favorite U2 song - The Sweetest Thing and found myself a little weepy especially after we made friends with the group next to our table.

This lovely lady introduced her husband and adopted adult daughter. At first, I was like - man, that's kinda harsh - she's your kid, you don't need to say she's adopted, but whatever lady. I introduced D and the girls and said these are our "foster daughters". Lovely lady's eyes welled up with tears and she clasped my hand in hers - "That is how we got our daughter!" I think people's paths cross for a number of reasons. In this weird way, in lovely ladies weird way- she brought me peace and comfort. Ok, anyone thinking of that song lovely lady lumps after hearing lovely lady so many times?

Why was it ok for me to say "foster daughters" and not ok for her to say "adopted daughter"? Anyone, anyone? Bueller? I felt like I had to make the differentiation because our girls are going back next week- possibly (see below for details). I don't know? Maybe I'm just over-analyzing and hyper sensitive.


Back to the song...


The lyrics are moving and I love that Bono wrote the song for his wife as a birthday present.

Sweetest Thing

My love, she throws me like a rubber ball(Oh, the sweetest thing.)
But she won't catch me or break my fall.(Oh, the sweetest thing.)
Baby's got blue skies up ahead. But in this, I'm a raincloud
You know she wants a dry kind of love.(Oh, the sweetest thing.)
I'm losin' you, I'm losin' you
Ain't love the sweetest thing?
I wanted to run, but she made me crawl(Oh, the sweetest thing.)
Eternal fire, she turned me to straw.(Oh, the sweetest thing.)
I know I got black eyesBut they burn so brightly for her I guess it's a blind kind of love.(Oh, the sweetest thing.)
I'm losin' you, I'm losin' you
Ain't love the sweetest thing?
Ain't love the sweetest thing?
Blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl.(Oh, the sweetest thing.)
You can sew it up, but you still see the tear.(Oh, the sweetest thing.)
Baby's got blue skies up ahead But in this, I'm a rain-cloud,Ours is a stormy kind of love.(Oh, the sweetest thing.)

I dropped the girls off this morning and whilst D and I are adamant about presenting a united front, he had to be on his jobsite at 7:00 AM this morning, the exact same time as our drop. So I went by myself and scared out of my ever-luvin mind.

Big Girl had to use the bathroom once we got to the drop off point and birth parents pulled up as we were walking toward Coco's. Birth mom jumped out of the car, little girl ran to birth dad, little girl watched mom and Big girl walk away toward Coco's and started screaming (heart crushing at this point). I grab Little girl and explain to birth dad that I will take little girl and all the girls will go together. Coco's would not let us in, though they were 2 minutes away from opening and Big girl is doing the pee pee dance. Big girl looks at me to do something - screw it birth mom, you once again missed the boat. I take the lead - grab little girls hand, big girl grabbed birth mom's hand and we march over to Carls Jr to use the wc. While BG and birth mom are inside LG and I are singing 10 little monkeys and laughing. Birth mom comes out and looks sad watching us and for a moment I experience a bit of sadness and fleeting compassion.

As we walk back across the parking lot to the cars, the following exchange occurs.

BM - We found a place to live

K - Oh, that 's great, so, you found a job?

BM - No

K- Ohhhh. Have you applied for jobs?

BM - No because I don't have my GED

K - Holding back tears at this point. Well, obtaining a high school diploma will really open doors for you and it is a chance for you show the girls that you are committed to your family as well as being a good role model for your girls to finish high school and become college bound.

I saved the best part of my day for last -

Are you sitting down? I hope so, that would be uncomfortable to stand and blog. I met Emily today!!!! It was fan-tab-u-lus. She is just every bit of sweet and kind that you would expect from reading her blog.

Our conversation, from the moment it began, flowed so effortlessly and with such great ease we both decided that it felt like we have always known each other. Our day was spent chatting away and because we have more in common than IF the day was so enjoyable along with being therapeutic and cathartic.

The car ride home gave me time to think about how grateful I am to all of you out there for your friendship and caring comments. Blogging has really given me an outlet for my love of writing and a way to express my emotions. The friendships I have made blogging is the icing on the cake and in my opinion - the icing is the very best part.

Full plate of tired, with a side of guilt - Coming up!

As I sit at the computer, my head is literally bobbing right now. I. AM. TIRED. No, not tired - exhausted.

Between the hours of 2:00 AM and 6:00 AM, little girl ran - yes, ran into our room SCREAMING - HOLY GOD HELP US -BLOODY MURDER - a total of 4 times. Imagining it is almost funny, living it was painful. Maybe I'm just slap -happy and delirious. I tended to her the first 2 times and the third time told D that he had two options - Deal with her NOW or deal with a very cranky wife in the morning. He opted for door number 1 and decided that he would go from observer to participant for the rest of the game. When the alarm sounded this morning, our groans were more audible resonating the pain of an animal that had been hunted with bow and arrow, slowly dying.

When I woke up little girl and received her trademark -Goo Mor-ging Shun-shy - it immediately erased the events of the night before and then I reminded myself that one short week from today is the court date where her and big girl will be reunited and that I need to suck it up, because this temporary mom gig might not be a bed of roses but it is certainly feeding my soul.

Big girl has broken down emotionally, nearly every day this week and we had an"interesting" meeting with a social worker from our county yesterday. I'll post more, later.

I may be tired but I'm still feeling grateful.

Honestly, I've never laughed this hard in my entire life...

It's been a turbulent day folks, for a Monday and while the week is young, sadly, I am not.

This is about the best part of my day - besides being married to a man who knows exactly what to do when I get to the end of my rope.

I promise, you will never look at a pee stick (or a Barbie Doll, for that matter) in the same light - it's hot. Check it out... you know you want to.

The Very Strange Day of Miranda P. Stick by Anne Nahm.

Weekend update

I have to wake up in six short hours so I gotta make it fast.


So much to do...so little time.

With our ever-expanding "to-do" list screaming in our faces, D and I threw caution to the wind (basically gave our to-do list- the big fat bird) and bought tickets to go watch the Angels and Bo-Sox play Saturday. Now, I've watched the movie "Fever Pitch", I had a vague idea of how reverent and insane Bo-sox fans are, with that being said, until you have an opportunity to experience the craziness in real life.... do not underestimate the power of the Boston Red sox fan.



We contacted stubbhubb, purchased tickets, picked up my mamacita and drove to the stadium. As we sat down in our seats - cursing the poor kid who we placed the order with who swore the seats were in the shade (I thought he had some internet-data base thingy where all the shade bearing seats were located in all stadiums - I don't think it sounds too far-fetched, D erupted with laughter as I explained my theory in depth - I will save you all from my insanity as you experience enough of my craziness as the loyal readers of my blog ) and plastered a good portion of my all time favorite sunscreen across my body. As I looked around, in my peripheral vision I noticed a sea of crimson, a darker shade than our "Angel" red we normally see and let out a vocalized "Hmph". My mom and I - at the exact same time leaned toward each other and muttered the exact same statement - "Well, we always wanted to visit Boston". The Angels are "our" team, it's our home team, the team we grew up watching, cheering for and the stadium wherein D and I had our first date, yet we were surrounded by the famous non-rhotic accent that defines all people from the Boston/New England area and their Boston Red sox gear. Some folks wore their traditional crimson red with blue t-shirts, lots of little kids wearing red socks, some decided to wear a hint of green paying homage to the Green monster and many wore some kind of clothing that adorned my favorite symbol of all. The symbol I relate to most regarding my heritage and considered getting tattooed. If I wasn't a fan of the Angels, I think Bo-sox would be my next choice.









It warms my heart to see loyal fans travel far distances and the couple sitting behind us had drove from Phoenix to watch their beloved Sox play... that is love. Loyalty is a beautiful thing that we just don't see anymore - from friendships and marriages to the mundane of retail shopping.


Sadly, after drinking beer in the 85 degree heat while rooting for our guys and having rubbed way too much sunscreen into my eyes we were all ready to move toward a cooler climate at the end of 6th inning. It had been a slow game and after watching the Angels not score a single run we decided to call it a day. We cheered in the car as they pulled it together in the seventh inning and ended up winning the game.

***

My dad who shares my love of bread - we affectionately call each other bread whores because we both will basically eat any decent bread, picked up some of our favorite bread ever. While he was doing some business on Saturday in San Diego he decided to stop in at one of the best bakeries ever -Bread and Cie and purchased our regular faves: Fig and Anise, Lemon bread, french batard and jalapeno cheese. He called to let us know he returned with the *goods* and wanted us to know that he had experienced his first gay pride parade. The bakery is located in Hillcrest where the annual Gay Pride Parade for San Diego is held and widely accepted. It left him feeling happy that people could be themselves and be so accepted and he gave us a rundown on all the wild and crazy costumes. I'm so lucky to have such open-minded parents.

***

Today, we enjoyed sleeping in until 7:00 AM and D made breakfast. We spent three hours getting ready and finally after packing nearly every item contained within our home we left for the beach. YAY - it was the girls first time at seeing the ocean. Little girl kept calling it the pool and I had an Epiphany. I now completely understand why everyone wants a *little* baby. Little girl was super cuddly today and after singing "Five little monkeys"she kept resting her little head on my shoulder and it was really just the best feeling in the ENTIRE world. I think there is something inherent in the female composite that feeds our soul when we get to hold a little one. When their head rests against our shoulders and their little hand clings to our back, ahhhh. Think about it - every time a baby or little one is around women fight to hold the warm ball of sweetness.


Big girl loved the ocean water and had a superb time with D, he is such an amazing father, I will really miss watching him play with her. His kindness and patience is overwhelming and I'm reminded of how lucky I'm to be married to such a great guy. Don't get me wrong, he has his moments but overall - I totally scored.

***

I'm not looking forward to this next week, we have to start packing the girls belongings, I have finals (finally, it's the last week of summer school) and we got invited to a mini-high school reunion for D that is schedules for August 2nd - YIKES that is just three short weekends away, meaning, I need to really eat clean this week.

Peace out, be good humans!

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

Remember that commercial jingle for mounds candy bars, it's my new mantra.

That eerie, all to familiar, calm before the storm feeling was overwhelming this morning at work. Wait, let me back up. Little girl woke up this morning and felt warm, not burning hot - just warm. I took her temp and it 100 degrees, a mild fever I thought or maybe just buried under too many blankets. An hour later, right as we were getting ready to walk out the door and it was 99 degrees so I thought ok, good - let's move forward with the day.

So, around 9:15 AM I got a phone call from SIL that Little girl was not feeling or looking well. By the time I picked her up - 15 minutes later she had already thrown up and her fever had spiked. I spent the day giving her three luke warm baths, watching her temperature go up and down, dodging a bowl of Campbell's chicken noodle soup, having gatorade drooled allover my arm resulting in my shirt sticking to my skin and ripping the hair off of my arm - it' a glamorous life I lead. D called to say he was on his way home with Big girl and I was ready to run, not walk out the door to have adult conversations in my class that is taught by the most boring professor ever as I took her temperature and it had spiked again - to 103 - HOLY CRAP. I grabbed little girl and the diaper bag and gave a quick update and "love you" to D, ran to the doctors where they were able to break the fever and get it down to 99 degrees and return home three hours later.

The closest Urgent care that accepts her insurance was a county neighborhood clinic that is connected to the WIC office, oh yay, fun. We got ushered in right away and I'm surprised they didn't refer us to the regional county hospital. The PA and Doctor were both AMAZING and I got to speak with both of them about retirement issues while they were administering a huge dose of some antibiotic that was like the miracle drugs of all miracle drugs - she was literally up dancing an hour later. I have the drug name written down but I'm deliriously tired.

Everyone in the office thought she was just the most beautiful little girl ever and wanted the full update on the situation which is difficult to do. I can't release too many details and I choked back the tears as I got to hear things like "she looks just like you", "she calls you mama, how sweet" and my personal favorite "she's so lucky to have you". That last one nearly killed me.

Little girl has been saying some cute stuff this week, one morning I walked into thier room and said "Good Morning Sunshine" and now she calls everyone sunshine but it comes out like Shun-shine and it is about the most adorable thing EVER. She also says Thank you for everything and it comes out sounding like Tank-ew. Friggin adorable. D and I are trying to figure out what to do the night they leave. In fact, thinking about that night reminds me of the night we found out we had miscarried, we had my family over and then went to Islands for dinner. It was bizarre and I as I reflect I feel like I didnt make a big enough deal about mourning that loss. It's a completely different loss. We were thinking of going to dinner here though Jules gave a good suggestion - ordering a pizza and watching some movies on netflix. We will be going to work the next day. That day is going to suck monkey balls.

In other news, the birth parents decided to call a 1/2 hour late and so we didn't let them talk to the girls - I'm sure the agency and social worker (except my blog friends, IRL friends and family) will some way to turn this into a negative on our part. Screw them. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the birth parents recieived/accepted our request to move visits from Sat/Sun to Fri/Sat. It's just stupid that two people who don't work and sit around eating flaming hot funyons can't watch their own kids. We would have done this earlier; however, Big girl was in summer school, five days a week.

Tomorrow will bring a follow up appointment at the clinic and a meeting with the case manager from our agency, on top of work, school assignments and the other crap that my life is comprised of.

Bring it on.... How many more days until vacation?

There she goes

I'm off and running....check out my new blog here.

Life....it's just so daily

My self portrait and yes I've got the crazy eyes going.

Feeling...tired, overwhelmed and cranky - you've been warned.

I'm fighting something - the blues combined with a chest cold. I know the blues are from the impending reunification and I felt like if I talked about it (which I did alot of this week, apparently) the more I would be mentally and emotionally prepared. Not.So.Much. I 'm also coughing, watery eyes, sinus pressure/drainage which are all allergy related symptoms.

I FINALLY got to enjoy my 9/80 Friday off and was home in the morning and as I was uploading my resume stuff into Ed-Join the phone rang. It was the social worker's boss (as the social worker and I share the same 9/80) and he was polite yet extremely casual (which was disappointing, but whatever). He let me know right away that the birth parents were told by big girl during one of the phone calls that week - either Tuesday or Thursday, regarding her last day of summer school program ( a cute little sing-song dance thingy). Instantly, I'm infuriated because I just found out about said program 2 days prior from my sister in law(Big girl had mentioned it to her and she confirmed when she picked her up from school the next day). SW boss called to ask me if it would be OK if the parents attended, I said No. I explained to him that Big girl had a very emotional week (cried a few times at bed time which she has never done before) and mentioned that since our job was to provide her with stability that whenever there is a change in her schedule we give her as much advance warning as possible. I also mentioned that the birth parents had two opportunities to attend school related functions ( SST meeting to prepare for impending IEP and award ceremony) and had not attended. He was unaware (thank you worthless agency, I'm glad I'm writing those weekly reports) and in agreement that it would not be wise which caught me as strange because we all remember how everything went down for the 4th of July. I swear I feel like they are just screwing with my head. I'm ready to get off of the crazy train and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The program was cute though I was literally on the edge of my chair waiting for the birth parents to walk in the room and D was at work with no chance of getting to the program. Once it was over, I dropped Big girl off at my sister in law's with little girl and my niece where they had a nice lunch and I continued on with my day.

I didn't manage my time well the rest of the day and have no regrets - I needed a very relaxed non-intense day. I had a nice long lunch with my good friend Regina where we spent the better part of the time running down memory lane, when we worked in politics - that was a seriously good time in my life. We came to the conclusion that we were not the perky, bright-eyed, Pollyanna's we once were and tried to find out when we became bitter and jaded. I blame mine on the infertility. She was preparing for her daughter's birthday and she is really an amazing mom, the kind of mom that takes in her brothers and sisters kids so they will get back on track and find their way in life. It's funny how we became friends, I was dating my very first serious boyfriend during my first year at Community college and he had these two good friend girls, Regina and Panda. We would all hang out together and eventually we started doing things and going places -just the three of us. Essentially, when he broke up with me and crushed my fragile heart his friend girls were no longer wanting to be his friends, so I got his two closest friends in the separation. If I had to go through that hell again to have two amazing friends, I would do it in a hot second. Oh, those were the days.

After lunch, I went on had my eyebrows shaped, waxed, upper lip and Santa Claus like beard removed from my chin. I might be exaggerating a bit. Afterward, I went home to get ready for our 4:00 PM meeting with the agency. I must have been moving at a snails pace because it took me all day long to do those three things mentioned above.

The agency came by later for it's weekly visit and I continue to be disappointed with everything that comes out of our new case manager's mouth. She's new and a foster parent herself but recently had a baby via IVF so at least I won't have to deal with the agency director who in one of her less than stellar moments stated that we should "enjoy" our time without the girls while they are on their birth parent visit and try for one of our own. I couldn't even respond, I think I just stood there looking at her thinking -well, she clearly has not read our file. Another moment that irked the ever loving crap out of me was when she giggled after she asked me if Big girl had been to a therapist. I said - Excuse me, what is so funny and she got a bit nervous. She said, Well, that has been such a challenge... I responded with " Not really, the therapist who the county recommended doesn't want to see her because of schedule conflicts and now there isn't anyone who wants to get this girl some counseling. I don't think there is anything funny about the situation. New case manager stated that she will call the social worker, Oh good - because we all know how on the ball she is...... URGHHHHHHHH. The best part was new case manager's opionion of my choice of saying no to parents, she stated that since we were headed toward reunification that I should have let the parents attend. I bit my lip (and tongue) fighting back tears and choked out the following statement " We'll they will have the rest of these girls lives to participate in school events". She had no reply.

***

Today was nice, we watched the latest National Treasure movie- it was just OK and Meet the Spartans (D's choice), both were silly and shallow which was what we were looking for. We went to lunch at Yardhouse, which is always nice and then to the Verizon store to find some not so lame ear piece, bluetooth thingy's that don't make us look like complete idiots. California passed a law that went into effect July 1st, stating that no one could be driving while on the phone which is lame because we are still going to need to take our eyes off of the road to dial the number but whatever. Afterward, we walked over the 99 cent store, D had never been. He was amazed that we walked out with six bags for $34 dollars. Our purchase included the following items: envelopes, concentrated windshield cleaner, 6 bottles of liquid smoke (for D's beef jerky) , three children's books and some other random crap that I'm sure we didn't need but felt like we did while we were there. Oh, my god - I almost forgot, I bought a bottle of wine. YES, at the 99 cent store, we were dying because it's an Argentinia Malbec. Malbec is a lost varietal found by the Rothschild family that up until 5 years ago you never saw on the shelf. While we are always looking for a deal on a decent bottle of wine, between 10-15 bucks will usually do the trick - 99 cents just seemed ridiculous. I will have a full report after trying it tomorrow night.

I took a nap today, it was nice once I finally went to sleep - I kept waking up from coughing. I'm now in my favorite PJ's, they are pink with Kelly green turtles and they were tres inexpensive from Tar-jay. Gawd, I love that store... Io, I know you are a fan of the bulls eye as well.

I found our hotels for our vaction to San Francisco and will book them tomorrow. I'm so looking forward to the get-away and B's wedding.

Crossing paths

Right now, I wish I was here....the peace and tranquility are just oozing out of the picture. Can you feel it? I can.

Instead I'm sitting in class with the most boring professor EVER!

I had a really cool thing happen today, I met with a retiree who used to work within our County system in the "post-adoption" unit. She was gracious and kind enough to share some hints and right away gave me two different contacts who are still in the department and asked me to please mention her name. I could barely contain my excitement, could it be, dare I say -- A break, some good luck headed our way? Time will tell. I will be calling the contacts tomorrow and hoping for the best, expecting little.

Isn't it funny when we are placed in front of other's and can benefit from these chance encounters. Or when we can benefit someone, I love that feeling. Is it chance? Is it fate? Was it in the cards? I don't know.

The last four posts have been food related... I think my theme is switching to travel.

This picture is from the July issue of Travel and Leisure in the Ile de Re article. I'm overwhelmed by the beauty of this picture.

Fortunes

I had pick up stix tonight and had orange chicken with Brown rice. I opened my cookie in Mr. "I'm so boring, don't you wish you could poke your eye's out with dull scissors class?" and read the following:

A NEW CHALLENGE IS NEAR (yes, it was in all caps and printed in red)

Intrigued? Me too. I have an idea though of what the challenge is. If it's the challenge I'm thinking of I know it will be immensely fun.

I'll share more soon.

Goats...

I know you are just dying to know what else I purchased at the health food store, she says sarcastically.

I was looking for some yogurt to make my morning protein shake with and came across yogurt made with goats milk. I'm fairly open-minded but when it comes to dairy, I have a difficult time with taste and texture. The taste reminds me of eating grass and since I have been to see the goats at the fair, I know they eat grass which just totally grosses me out. The after taste is just a little bitter and dare I say - grassy. I'm thinking of adding some honey to it.

I mixed it with blueberries and bananas this morning, maybe it was the fruit? Urghhh.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

I've been cheating

on my boys.... Ben and Jerry, with a lady named Julie. Shhhh... don't tell Duane!

Our local health food store has been putting forth a noticeable effort to provide more variety and have recently expanded their ice cream line. I was in the store today to pick up more Australia Tea Tree oil (homeopathic remedy for lice) and noticed these lovelies calling my name. Tonight, I tasted Blackberry Ice cream covered in dark chocolate. They aren't mentioned on the website which worries me, I hope they are not being discontinued, I'm sure the other flavors are just as wonderful.

Now, if I could only get Clark's to carry wine and get rid of their eye-blinding fluorescent lighting I would probably do my shopping there weekly.

This is the best ice cream I think I've EVER had.

Flaming hot Funyons, Batman!

Our fourth was weird, it was completely quiet and normal. Confused? Let me explain.


Throughout the course of my life, I have maybe had 3 un-eventful fourth of July's, let me hit the best of the worst. There was the fourth of July that my IRL BFF and I decided to go kayaking in the ocean and after taking 5 steps into the deep dark blue, the kayak was dropped on her big toe subsequently ripping the nail off of the nail bed in salt water, I'm sorry IN SALT WATER.... she nearly passed out from the pain. Then there was the fourth of July that we spent in Santa Barbara and watched my dad carry a watermelon, for what seemed like 10 miles to our designated picnic spot, and peed my pants when he accidentally tripped and dropped it. Nothing like physical comedy. Sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's funny -point being, it's never dull.


Though we were expecting to have "the girls" with us and we all know how that went to hell in a hand basket we were still "committed" to family functions. DAM....I won't lie and say it was a breeze to see all of the kids playing in the pool at my mom's house, it's always nice to see family -but oh how we got the questions... Where are the girls?What will be your next step? When will the girls be leaving? How is the lice situation?....sometimes I miss living far away from my immediate family.


After my mom's party, we had a nice dinner with D's parents who are staying across the street from our house with their good buddies. They take turns, between our house and the neighbors when they come for a visit and it works out nicely for all parties involve, especially *this* party. I have to say my MIL, has come a long way and has made dramatic improvement at maintaining our privacy. I think it helps that she is in her own home now and that I have most of the IF drugs out of my system. She called me on Thursday while the shi- shi was hitting the fan at work to ask where an apron was and if I would mind if she cleaned the kitchen. Uh, apron is in the top right drawer next to the fridge and HELL YA!!!!! Clean away...... I get kind of creeped out when she cooks in my kitchen because it used to be her kitchen (we bought the home from my- in laws when they retired) and it's just weird. My kitchen is the part of my soul that lives on the outside of me, it is my refuge, it is my sanctuary, it is where I praise the God that is Anthony Bourdain and ask him to watch over me as I stir every pot on my stove. You get it, right? Having someone cook in my kitchen is awkward to me it's like asking to borrow my underwear. I'll let you do it in a complete emergency, but really - please don't ask.


I digressed a bit, back to the fourth and the holiday from hell. Yesterday went well, in retrospect. The oddest thing, and God knows I've lowered the bar for these people already to an inch above the ground but the crap that comes out of the Birth parents mouths is just absurdity at it's best. It's puts the pain of IF treatments in a whole new light. At 9:30 PM we are packing the girls in the car, they are starving (of course) and I made some PB & J's for them to munch on. The birth parent -dad- idiot of the world says to me, you know they really like Flaming Hot Funyuns. I was just looking at him like - Dude, shut the hell up. You do not feed flaming hot funyuns to young children and especially not before they are going to bed. After I buckle little girl in birth dad shoves a grocery bag at me with the SUPERSIZED bag of flaming hot funyuns and tells me that he wants the girls to eat these during the week. While I was 3 sentences into why our snack of choice are the whole grain goldfish I realized they probably have never read a food label and don't know how. I took the bag, I was tired and once we got home I asked the girls which they prefer and confirmed it this morning. The bag is still sitting on the counter, I'm not sure what to do with it but really - funyon breath isn't rank enough, you have to add chili powder and really kill people with your flaming hot funyon breath. Birth mom was trying to tell me something that presently escapes me and as she spoke I thought, "Wow, she actually looks nice". I knew Big Girl was listening which is probably the main reason behind my action but I did something I thought I would never do. I look birth mom straight in the face and said " You look really pretty tonight, that dress is very flattering."

Today, they brought warm potato salad (with mayo in it) blue jello and bananas. One out of three isn't too bad, I guess.

I think the heat is affecting my brain...

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

I just received an email from our agency contact letting us know that we have a new case manager (not a surprise) and thanking us for our commitment (basically blowing smoke up my skirt) and letting us know that the July "Families Available" list was distributed and we are on it.

D & I had a really long talk - with emphasis on the word long and have come to the determination that we are not in any kind of hurry to get another placement. We need some recovery time, I need to get my career change going and get a little bit more school under my belt and we are also changing our profile. The child will have to be either up for adoption or closer to the .26 termination hearing and we are opening our age profile to 6 or 7 whereas before we stopped at 5, we have always been open to any race so we aren't changing that side of the profile and have decided that we will give the agency 6 months to a year (starting 8/1/08). Realizing that the agency does not have control as to who becomes available, if this avenue does not work we will look at domestic and international adoption. In fact, we will probably start investigating/start the process within the next 6 months, just so we don't loose any more time.

If one more person tells me - "Watch, now you'll get pregnant"..... URGHHHH.

Thirty days (but who's counting?)

It's July.

We have thirty days (unless they get placed sooner), four weeks from tomorrow the girls get returned to a life far different from the one they have been exposed to for the last six months. Their first foster mom, let's call her Trainwreck, had a newer quite large home in nice part of our city with a pool. Our home is considerably clean, we dine out about 2 times a week, their is a level of cleanliness they have probably never experienced while being at our home. Not that I'm a neat freak, nor could you eat off of my floor - unless you want your lost bite coated in dog hair but we maintain our home in generally clean manner. Point being, they will be exposed or returned to a depressing trailer on a plot of land with no grass, located in Meth lab central, but hey - they will have their parents.....

The last week has been rough, regarding the girls. Without burying you in details I can say that it has been a struggle and a challenge because of the 4th of July and moving visits around. One thing that upsets me to no end - I was asked if we would like to move the visitation date (which I didn't think we had any say) from Sat/Sun to Fri/Sat so the parents could have them for the 4th. I said no (for several reasons). The agency called back to let me know that the Birth parents will get the kids anyway that day and they want them from 11-11. My response (in my mind)Um, not only no - but hell no? My response in real life- If that is approved someone from the agency will have to drive them to our home at 11:00 at night because I refuse to pick them up at that time. First, it is just way too late for kids to be awake in that hour. Second, it is not the safest night to be out driving around - as most people are intoxicated. I could go on. WHY DID THEY ASK ME, IF WE HAVE NO SAY IN THE MATTER?????

I've come to the realization that the agency, while I thought they were our advocate,I now feel that I was sadly misled and I do not feel like we are getting the support we need from them. A friend of mine (who used to work for DPSS, in a different section) reminded me last night that these children are files on someones desk and most foster parents are doing this for the money so the social workers have come to this conclusion that foster parents are merely providing a service and it is held as a business transaction. This whole concept is foreign to me and I cannot wrap my brain around it quite yet though it is nice to have an insight into their perspective though it may be generalized. I, personally, think the social worker hates us because we are detail oriented people and are making her job hard. Oh well.

I know I will miss the girls but there is a part of me that feels that I'm ready to move on. I was explaining to someone that I'm feeling like I need to break up with a boyfriend and I'm waiting for him to come home from a long trip. This is probably me subconsciously using my defense mechanism so I don't completely meltdown when the point comes for them to go home.

In other news - My in-laws arrive tomorrow, YAY. It will be nice to spend time and visit with them though I have more homework than I can think about and need to catch up as this week marks the half way point with classes, how did that happen- I swear I started last week?

I had an AMAZING weekend. My cousin Brenna and her Fiance Sam flew down from the Bay area and we hosted a couple's shower at my Aunts home, she lives close to the water in a small So Cal beach city. The weather was perfect, the food was great and we blew through the wine and beer like a good Irish family does (while still being responsible). We arrived at 11:00 AM, the party started at noon and we did not leave until almost 10:30 PM. One of the highlights was a trek through a canyon that starts at the end of my Aunts street and takes you right to the beach. Some parts of the trail are quite narrow and drop off about six feet to a creek that is filled by the local storm drain. Traversing over muddy, slimy and all around scary as hell water followed by steep trails after keeping a buzz for a few hours, while not highly recommended can be fun. We had some minor casualties but nothing that needed medical attention - Thankfully. Once we got to the ocean, Duane, Sam and my Uncle Joe (Sam's soon to be Father in law) all found the Pacific to be calling their names and jumped in. Speaking of Brenna's mom + dad who are the coolest Aunt and Uncle a girl could ask for, they are some of the most amazing people who have no idea how much they have impacted my life, in such positive ways. Every tearful good bye from our visits was held tightly in my memory bank, their voices ring a unique and familiar sound I have heard since birth, we joke that I was at their wedding as I was born four short days after that day. While selecting wedding bands, I knew the moment I looked at a band that was identical to my Aunt's, a simple rounded band in a different hue, that it was the ring for me. At every glance toward that band, I remember our wedding day and two important, remarkable people in my life.

Things I'm looking forward to -

Our big trip to San Francisco (Brenna + Sam's wedding) and making plans for the big "36" birthday - Shit, doesn't that sound old. I don't feel like I should be that old. I can remember thinking when I was a kid that anything past 32 sounded relatively old. What boggles my mind is that when my mom was this age - she had a daughter that was rocking out to Duran Duran, reading Vogue and Elle magazines dreaming to be a famous clothing designer and dropping hints left and right about wanting a "surprise" birthday party - Remember that Jules?

Why is youth wasted on the young?